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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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FireHeart Offline
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Unhappy Relapsing, Too Much, and Abuse - November 21st 2013, 01:46 PM

I can't wait until you get better so that I can have an actual life, the words that just "slipped out" of my moms mouth. I've been working on quitting self-harm...not too well, I only make it to like on or 3 days and then relapse. Then I don't care and keep doing it. Naturally my mom's slip out comments on how my issues drag her down really upset me. I feel guilty all the time and just feel like apologizing for everything, which makes me feel really stupid.
I have to testify against my abuser in Febuary(sexual abuse, there are about 50 charges, all for me). But then there's the chance that I may not have to because it might just literally kill me. But there's only a couple photos of proof, and that's only for his child poronography charges. So if I don't testify he might walk in a couple years or even mounths, and that scares the hell out of me. But so does testifying, I'm not even sure I'd be able to testify with my PTDS and him in the room and cross-examination and everything. But then, even if I go through all of that there's still a chance, since this is a jury trial, that he might not get the sentance he deserves. It's just too much and it's not fair. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate how this has turned my life upside down, as if I didn't have enough abondonment, confusion, betrayel, deppression, anger, etc. BEFORE he abused me. Everyone says it's not my fault. Sometimes I believe them. Sometimes I don't. Either way I have all these scars on my body that tell this horrible story, the one that might just kill me. Yet I don't want to die, I just want to be able to experience life withought his shadow in the back of my mind all the time. I hate him.

HAPPINESS is just waiting for me to take it; I truly believe that now.
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Re: Relapsing, Too Much, and Abuse - November 21st 2013, 08:54 PM

Hi there,

I am so sorry that you are stuck going through all of this, you really don't deserve any of this and I am on the side of those who say this is not your fault. You in NO way deserve what happened.

As far as testifying, do you think you can speak with some of the people that are working with you on the legal case? Maybe if you speak with them about what is going on they can at least give you the procedure on what will be done and help you practice a bit, so you can become a bit more comfortable with testifying. I bet they'll answer any questions that you may have and make sure you are fully confident to testify. It may ease your mind a bit. And, your testimony may put him somewhere like jail where you KNOW you will be safe and not looking over your shoulder.

It's also really not right that your mother said that to you. I can't speak for her motives but maybe she's just really stressed from worrying about you, and sometimes when we're stressed or having a bad day, we say things we don't mean. Maybe you can sit down with your mom and tell her that you really ARE trying, but with everything you are going through it is a struggle and you're just having a hard time and need support. Let her know you understand things are hard for her too, but you really do need the help.

Even though you haven't been doing too well with quitting yet, remember that any minute, second, hour, day, without self harm is an accomplishment. It means a lot that you are even making the effort at all! Have you seen this list of alternatives to self harm? These are healthier, safer ways to cope.

I think it may also help you if you find ways to express your emotions in different ways. For example, you can write, do art, or use music to get everything out so it's not all built up inside. Exercise is also a great way to release stress. Also try and do things to take care of yourself like take a warm bath or shower or watch your favorite movies.

You can do this! This will get better.


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