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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Goodbye_Lullaby Offline
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Unhappy Worried about my friend :( - December 29th 2013, 12:00 AM

So I just found out from my best friend (friend 1) that my other best friend (friend 2)has started cutting.
Basicly today friend 1 said she was worried about friend 2 and I said I was to as she has seemed alot more down the past few months than when I first became friends with her near the beginning of the year. I also said I have seemed some marks on her arms and legs and the couple of times I mentioned it she said it was her dog. And then friend 1 told me that friend 2 had started cutting, and has been for a few months and made friend 1 promise not to tell me as she knew I would worry. But friend 1 had to tell me as she found it hard to deal with, as she is also recovering from a self harm problem which started in year 7 (we are in year 10 now) and she found it triggering and when friend 2 showed her and combined with the fact people at her school have been scratching their arms for attention she broke her 6 month clean streak this was in September. So at the moment friend 1 has been sending friend 2 stuff which I had sent friend 1 ages ago. What I know so far is that luckily friend 2 hasn't been doing it to much as she messages friend 1 when he has done it so if those are the only times it has only been about 4 times. But right now we are trying to get her to stop before it becomes more addictive for her which friend 1 obviously knows I know a bit when I self harmed last year I managed to stop which friend 1 knows about but have had a few relapses since then which no one knows about. But the problem is friend 2 is determined not to let any one else know, if her mum found out it would makes things worse for her. Her mum is most likely the reason she started, as her mum treats her like shot and I know that she made my friend feel conscious about her weight and her mum is just really mean to her. And if her dad found out then she is worried tonipset and disappoint him. But if it gets worse we will have to tell someone, but right now friend 2 doesn't even know I know. I also really want to tell my mum, but she will tell friend 2s dad also my mum had been a bit down due to her depressing and I don't need her worrying about me worrying about my friend and she wil worry about my friend too.
What can I do to help her, I just feel so helpless. And now every time I wol talk to her and she will make a joke or just smile or when she goes round being so nice to everyone always saying hello and waving all I will think of is how she felt so down she felt like hurting herself was the answer and she didn't tell me cause she didn't want to hurt me....


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Re: Worried about my friend :( - December 29th 2013, 12:16 AM

Hi there,

I think that you need to sit down with your friend and have a serious discussion with her about this. Let her know that you know that she told you once before that the marks were only from the dog, but you know that she has seemed a lot more down lately, and since you have had experience with self harm, you aren't so sure that the marks on her are just from a dog. Explain to her you aren't angry with her but that it can help a lot to have a support system around her during times like this, and that you really are concerned about her. Maybe you can even tell her some of the things that have helped you during this time. Let her know that you understand she may not want a whole lot of people knowing and you will respect that, but you want to at least know she has support.

You're right that if the self harm gets worse, though, you will have to tell someone. Maybe you can speak to someone such as a school counselor if it worsens and even explain the situation that has been going on with her mother and why you are concerned. That way, if you DO have to tell, it can be kept anonymous who told.

In the meantime, you can always ask a guidance counselor or trusted adult for his or her opinion without using names. For example, you can say someone you are close to has been self harming recently, and you just want advice on how to help.

I hope all goes okay!

-Dez


   
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Re: Worried about my friend :( - December 29th 2013, 12:21 PM

Well me and friend 1 are having a sleepover tonight and will are most likey going to talk about how to aproach the situation and letting friend 2 know that I know about her sel harming and I want to help. Me and friend 1 might research in getting a counsellor for our friend as in the uk you can get counsilig at our age without parents having to know (I low this because I have a counselour and she said it to me) and try and see if we can get her help like that. The problem with my school is even though they have had problems with self harm (mainly friend 1 as it got so bad for her she harmed at school and got bullied so much she stopped coming to school and then had to move schools) they don't know about it much or how to approach it. I would go to the people who helped friend 1 with her self harming but, the first thing they would do is call friends 2 mum as her mum never out her dad on the contact list or they would call someone else on the contact list who would tell her mum. Even if I did say that her mum knowing would be bad and her mum is more than likely the main reason. Also her mum has full custody over her, so she can't even live with her dad without a court case for her dad to get custody which right now is the last thing she needs. She also said to me that she wouldn't want to leave her younger sister (half sister, so not her dads child) because she is worried her mum would turn on her and be mean to her.
So right now me and friend 1 are going to try and research about getting my friend counselling without her parents knowing for know. Also friend 1 suggested that we need a day where we all sit down and say everything, just everything that is worrying or upsetting us. She said this as even though she is very open about her problems, friend 2 isn't telling me everything and she knows that I don't really say what's upsetting me and put everyone else before me (which I guess it's true as I don't feel comfortable about telling people my problems and I always keep quiet) and she knows I have alot going on too. So then hopefully I can tell friend 2 about my self harm struggles and how I just want to help and me and friend 1 are only going to do what's best for her. Hopefully we will be able to help her without her parents knowing because I know if they do it will make things worse for her...


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Re: Worried about my friend :( - December 30th 2013, 09:45 PM

Hello there,

I think it's really good, that you want to talk with your friend about everything. I'm sure it will help her!
Just try to hint, that it's not some normal get together, 'cause she may need to prepare herself for that a bit, even if she does not compleately know, what you are going to talk about.
When I had that talk with my friends I really wished I had known beforehand, that we are not simply going to have a normal sleepover.
So go for it, but let her know beforehand that you are going to have a serious talk!
Also I think it's great, that you care about your friend that much, just be carefull to not put to much pressure on youself.
   
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