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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Cdniiomdojooss Offline
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Hello everyone! (First post) - March 24th 2014, 10:06 AM


My name is Angelique and I'm 16 years old, I'm new on this site so I don't know where my story should go. I'll began introducing myself by telling you all a bit of my past.

In seventh grade I was bullied by a girl I became best friends with and hung out with a lot. She turned all of her friends against me and they all joined in. They harassed and threatened me in person as well as on social media sites. A boy I was seeing at that time also left me for my ex-best friend. This is when I had my first experience with self-harm. I used a blade from my older brothers X-acto knife. I only cut for a month before I stopped. I don't remember why, but I did. In eighth grade I had terrible grades and no friends. I refused to talk to new people because I felt I couldn't trust anyone besides myself. I was terribly sad and alone that whole year and whole summer.

I had terrible self esteem and was constantly calling myself names, if the girls had said it, it must have been true. I was very depressed and angry all the time and only saw beauty in others. I couldn't even get myself up out of bed in the morning.

I wanted to begin ninth grade on a good start and I tried but after awhile I gave up and my grades began dropping and I was constantly playing the catch up game. I eventually developed Anxiety along the way and this added to the stress. I would have Anxiety Attacks during class, before school, at lunch, after school and I would have trouble breathing and I would get red, my ears would ring, my heart started pumping and crying all at the same time. I would constantly ask to leave the class and be gone for awhile. I became afraid of the attacks and would skip school. Again, I lost the few friends I had.

Before I started 10th grade, over the summer I met a boy and I honestly believed he was the one. I got him anything he wanted, did whatever he wanted (Well, not everything lol) and I "Trusted" him. I told him all my secrets, showed him all my scars, told him my fears, my hopes, my dreams. He promised me the world, he promised he'd never leave. In the end he broke it off with me for another girl, about two months ago, I was a wreck. I began cutting again, very badly this time and my mind was constantly on suicide. I planned it all out, I collected the pill bottles, wrote all the letters to my family and I was on the edge. I didn't want to live without him. I was nothing without him.

I thought about it for a little while and I thought about how my family would cope with my death. I didn't want to kill myself because I didn't want to hurt them. My family was the only thing keeping me alive. I thought about calling 911 one night because I was afraid I was going to do something. But instead I talked to my parents about it the next morning. They eventually helped me admit myself into the hospital under my wishes and I spent one long week there, confined from the outside world. I got out on the 18th of February and didn't cut myself for about a week, until I relapsed and began again. Just recently I tried to give up cutting but instead began burning. I'm not proud of what I'm doing right now but I'm not strong enough to quit. I know that my life could be way worse but this dark cloud that constantly follows me and suffocates me is overbearing.

As of now, the feeling of loneliness has been getting at me. My only friends are my family and I would love to talk to some of you, meet new people.

I appreciate if you stuck around this long and read it all, I had to leave out a lot because I didn't want to bore you to death but thank you for reading. I look forward to getting into contact with some of you.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Spoons Offline
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Re: Hello everyone! (First post) - March 24th 2014, 10:41 AM

Hey there,

As far as some of the things such as the self esteem, remember that you do NOT deserve at all what these girls did to you and NONE of what they are saying is true. If something like that ever happens to you in the future (and I sure hope it doesn't!) make sure you block them immediately and report it to an adult who can take care of it.

You need to love yourself, though. I know it feels easier said than done, but try some positive self talk. For example, when a negative thought about you starts in, you can tell yourself GOOD things about you. "I like -this- feature about myself." "I like -this- personality trait about myself." "I have accomplished -this.-" Sometimes replacing negatives with positives can help.

Also write down or print out encouraging quotes and pictures to remind yourself that you ARE beautiful. You ARE smart, intelligent, funny, ALL of these good things, that remind yourself that you CAN do this. NOBODY can take away the good in you, not even yourself.

Not everyone out there is hurtful, though, whether they're friends or guys. It is very okay if you build your trust up slowly until you get to know a person more, gradually building up trust! Maybe you can join clubs and social groups to meet new people who have common interests You definitely can meet us too! Remember that you can't rely solely on a person for your happiness though (such as this boy who hurt you). Maybe you can find a hobby, interest, club, or goal that can make you happy, for example.

As far as school, is that still an issue? If so, do you think it would help you at least a little bit to get help from the teachers so your grades don't slip as far? You don't have to tell them the entire situation if you don't want to, but it may help!

It is amazing that you didn't go through with killing yourself, and I am so proud that you didn't. It is AWESOME that you were able to talk to your family about this. In the future, if you ever get those thoughts, you can either talk to your parents again, call 911, go to the hospital, or call a hotline like these. They will help you through this. This is also a reasons to live list if you need a reminder of some of the things to keep going for. Sometimes you have to live for the small things and let them build up, because your big thing is coming.

I think it may be really beneficial for you to get support for this. This is a link to a list of people who can help you. For example, maybe you can talk to your parents again and see about the possibilities of getting a therapist who can help you cope with what is going on in better ways and solve some of the problems and self-esteem issues going on.

This is a link to a list of alternatives to self harm. They're healthier and safer ways to cope. If one alternative doesn't work, definitely try another, because one IS bound to work, but sometimes there is a bit of trial and error. Maybe ones that involve self expression will help, since you'll be getting out pent up emotions.

You can get through this.


  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Cdniiomdojooss Offline
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Re: Hello everyone! (First post) - March 24th 2014, 11:15 AM

Thanks so much, yes, I do see a therapist I have been since September, she's helped with the negative thinking and ignoring the bad and replacing it with a good thought, so that's not too much of a problem anymore. I am always able to talk to my parents/Grandparent's/siblings, they're all there for me and understand and support me 100%. I take 3 of my classes online so it's a bit hard to communicate with those teachers but we had a meeting with my school counselor last Monday and due to my "mental state" He was able to get the teachers to understand that I needed more time and had been behind since being in the hospital. So the teachers are more aware of what's going on.
Thanks again
I'll try those alternatives when the urges get to me!
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Hello everyone! (First post) - March 24th 2014, 11:47 AM

Hey Snushy!
I met you in chat rooms, right?
Anyway its great that you've seeked help about your situation and relapses happen, you just need to remember to keep trying.
Some people are mean and manipulative and others are idiots who follow such people but unless you put yourself out there, how are you meant to find potential friends? You don't have to trust someone completely but enough to al least get to know others. Betrayal happen and its hard to move on.

I think you are really damn amazing to have asked for help. It takes courage to come out to your parents and it really is a huge step in the right direction. I hope your recovery goes well but don't be too bummed out of you relapse because sometimes the alternatives fail ant the urges get you but every try is another step to being clean.

Please feel free to message me and friend me because I think you are pretty cool.

~the dragon one
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