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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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the first cut (strong language) - April 6th 2015, 05:57 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

lmao i finally did it.

i. finally. fucking. did. it.

i'm strangely giddy and it has taken away the emotional pain, for now. i don't see why cutting is considered such a bad thing.

it's only hurting myself.
it's my own choice to do it.
it helps.


i feel like a little bitch though, because i only did it as "revenge" on my family. i thought it would be pay back for something they did, when it's only hurting myself. but the feeling i got from it felt worth the small sliver of pain.

the reason i did it was because of the events that happened in this thread.

tonight, the price i "owed" him was up to $12, since they've been raising it a dollar everyday from $5.
i said there was no way in fuck i was paying him that for his stupid $1 can of tea. so my mom said that, if i could convince him, we could agree on a price.

but of course, the little bitch wouldn't go down anymore than $10. and i wouldn't go up anymore than $5.

i wouldn't give a shit, but then my mom effing took my phone (MIND YOU, THIS IS ALL FUCKING OVER ONE DOLLAR'S WORTH OF A DRINK. a drink that was "ruined" because i put a french fry in it.)
not only are they stealing my money now, but they're stealing my things as well.
great.

i felt like i had reached defeat. and when i feel that something is not right, i don't take defeat as an answer. i get off my ass and stand up for what i think is right.

so i did pay him $10 in the end.
but i dumped out all my old coins -- pennies, dimes, and nickels that had been sitting in a bucket for about five years. and i counted out ten damn dollars.
i put them in a bag that said, " 'Tyler's' ten dollars. love, JESSIPOO<3"
i put his name in quotes and exaggerated my name to give them a bite of the sarcasm that was boiling inside me, as an attempt at a bit of passive aggressiveness.

i promised myself that i will eventually steal my money back over the years that i am forced to live in this house with him.

and that was that.

but, i promised myself that, if i was still in trouble after i paid him "his" fucking money, that i would try and get revenge.

i promised myself that i would cut, sort of as a big "fuck you" to my family.
that's what i thought of it at the time, anyway.

naturally, i was still in trouble, my phone is still taken away, and my mom more pissed off than ever.


so after i locked myself in the bathroom and grabbed my razor, i began crying.
i'll admit, i was scared. i was boiling with anger. i felt helpless. and, possibly the most strange -- i felt excited.

i ran my razor over my forearms a few times, really softly. (because usually that's all it takes when i accidentally get cut when shaving my legs.)
but nothing happened, and i began sobbing.

how fucking stupid could i be, that i don't even know how to make myself bleed??

i was about to give up, feeling weaker and more idiotic than ever.

but i tried a few more times, pushing harder, until finally i didn't care and i ran it up and down about four or five times.

only one of them started bleeding, and it wasn't deep at all, just mere scratches that'll heal in a few weeks.
but you can still see the marks though. they're pretty obvious, so i'll just have to wear long sleeves to school tomorrow.


but i feel strangely proud.
i was crying. but from happiness. and fear. and a bit of sadness, because i remember promising that i would never cut myself.


i don't know where to go from here.
it's definitely something i'll do again, if my emotions get that high.
i don't really see any reason to not do it, so i don't want any alternatives.

i guess i just wanted to get this out there?
i didn't know what else to do.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you

Last edited by Jess~; April 6th 2015 at 06:30 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: the first cut (strong language) - April 6th 2015, 10:27 AM

That's the main reason people self-harm and for that matter, commit suicide. It's because they have no vision of any other alternatives and they don't know what other options there are out there.

I am going to respect your wish of not providing any alternatives, but this is not so much an alternative but a call for information. I recommend you contact one of the hotlines that TeenHelp has recommend for crisis support officers and information provision for anyone self-harming.

www.teenhelp.org/hotlines

I remember one day, I was cruising around and I saw a blog post from a girl I admired at the time, her name was Samantha. She basically asked the same question you inadvertently asked, she was going along the same line of thought.

"What's so bad about self-harm?"

I literally couldn't answer it. I had no idea. I mean most of the time, it's not accompanied by suicide, most wounds heal, so why? I put the matter to the "experts", at the confidential email support service HelpLink. Based on their information, I will give you three good reasons why self-harm is an excessively destructive behaviour.

Even though self-harm isn't accompanied by suicide, the thoughts accompanied by the methods are the same. The feeling of helplessness, the feeling of self-loathing. That's consistent, no matter whether you self-harm or you have some other undesirable tendencies.

Secondly, self-harm can become extremely addictive. You described the feeling of relief when you went through the skin and that's because of the endorphins released when you feel pain. Your heart rate goes up, you feel this anxious excitement and pure relief. That's not a healthy form of happiness, especially when the behaviours become inadequate, leading me to my final reason.

I spoke to a girl not long ago, about her predicament with self-harm. She said that after a while of self-harming, the feeling becomes inadequate, and with that ever-lingering aforementioned lack of perceivable alternatives, she took steps to find even more pain. How do you draw the line.

You mentioned it yourself, when you tried at first, you didn't feel like you were hurting yourself enough, and so you went deeper, and faster, and more ferocious, until you were satisfied. That was after the first time as well, what happens when your body becomes accustomed to the habit you could be setting for yourself?

Yes, self-harm is normally non-suicidal, but what happens when you cross the line and MAJORLY injure yourself. What happens on the day you go in too deep? You weren't looking for an end to life, you were looking for relief, it sounds like it anyways. There could be one day, where you cross the line you set for yourself and put your life in danger. That's not a regret you want to die with.

You're hurting enough without looking further for hurt.

Those feelings of relief and questioning the consternation surrounding self-harm, it happens on the first incident, and to be crucially honest, I am glad you got relief from that.

It's not going to last forever though. Question your decisions in your mind and seek the answers over the phone or with us. I hope things get better for you, sweetie .


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: the first cut (strong language) - April 6th 2015, 05:12 PM

Hey,

Like what was said above, I won't give you alternatives since you aren't looking for any. However, I think you should consider trying to stay away from self-harm while it's easier for you to. When starts to get addictive, it is extremely hard to stay away from it and it can get dangerous. As someone who has been struggling with it for almost seven years, I can tell you that it is not a pleasant place to be in later down the road.

Not only is self-harm addictive, but it can cause infections which are not a walk in the park. In my experience, the infections are a lot more painful than the act of self-harm itself, and the pain caused by the infections isn't a release or anything like that. Sometimes, self-harm causes the need for medical attention, and a lot of times the wounds do not heal properly or quickly if you don't get medical attention. Self-harm isn't always dangerous, but you're putting yourself at risk every time you do it. You could slip the wrong way and go deeper than you intended, or even hit something. You can easily black out from the overload of hormones, adrenaline, or from blood loss, and I can tell you personally that blacking out never gets easier, no matter how often it happens.

Self-harm causes you to hide things and lie to people. It makes you live in fear of people you know finding paraphernalia or seeing the self-harm itself. Dealing with self-harm in general can make you feel so much more alone than you might already feel because you're dealing with it on your own and it is a huge weight on your shoulders. It can scar your body easily, especially if your skin doesn't heal up well. I can't wear shorts, or a dress. Anything I wear has to go below my knees.

Self-harm is still self-harm regardless of how deep the wounds are. But, like it was already said, it causes you to do more damage to get the same feeling. But, the thing about it is that it will never be enough to you because you will always be looking for more of a release. So in your eyes, it won't ever be deep enough.

If someone wants to harm themselves, they'll find a way to. I'm not going to tell you to stop but I will ask you to consider it. I do not condone self-harm, but if you're going to do it, please be careful.


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