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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Breaking Point Offline
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I can't stop and I'm scared... - April 19th 2015, 01:40 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know what to do...
I've been self harming for just over a year now and I just don't know what to do anymore... Lately I've found myself cutting more... Every day... Deeper and deeper... Two of my friends know and I really regret telling them because it's ruined them... They try so hard to help me and they do everything they can but it still doesn't work and I feel terrible. One friend has been buying me plasters and bandages and antiseptic non-stop and it all goes to waste because I just say I use them to calm her down because she gets so worried and stressed. She stays up even when she is completely exhausted just to talk to me. I feel so selfish.... And my other friend goes out of her way to talk to me and find some way of contacting me almost all the time because she feels the need to talk to me all the time to make sure I don't do anything. It's so unfair to them. I wish I didn't tell them. I can't even go to a professional for help because I KNOW it won't help. I tried before and I just lied to them and told them I was okay even though I really wasn't. I just can't talk to people without feeling sick. Anxiety takes over and I just can't breathe or speak and I'm just really uncomfortable around ANYONE. Even close friends and family. The worst part is that my family is just so judging and horrible all the time, and if I told them I have no idea what they'd do... I'm just so fed up of living. I just add a scar for every thought that passes through my head, and I can't really go out in public anymore without SOMEONR spotting at least one of them and questioning me about it and I have to lie to them. I HATE lying to the people that want to help me. I HATE doing this to the people I love. I just don't know what to do anymore because it's getting g out of control, and I can't go on any longer. No matter what I try to do to stop it I just can't distract myself from it. My mind is a dark place, and it's like a prison that I'll never leave. Death just seems so peaceful... So full of...nothingness... And to me, nothing seems better than this HELL I'm living. So many things are going wrong in my life, and I just can't hold on any longer... I'm scared, but not of death. I'm scared of LIFE...
I don't know if I have an eating disorder like my friends suggest, or if they're just exaggerating like I think.
I'm also pansexual and I've only told a small group of friends and I've told them not to tell anyone else because a lot of people I know and my family and some friends are homophobic... Especially my family...
My parents won't let me be the way I want as long as I live in their house, but I'm useless at everything and can't get a job to get money so I can move out so I'm just...stuck... They'll kick me out anyway if they find out I've been SH or that I'm Pan... I'm just so confused as to what to do... There's only one choice for me, and that's oblivion. Nothingness. Gone. Nobody will really know or care and I'm completely fine with that. I just need to plan things out but I font know how to. I don't know what to say to my friends or how to say goodbye...

Last edited by Breaking Point; April 19th 2015 at 01:02 PM.
   
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Re: I can't stop and I'm scared... - April 19th 2015, 06:07 AM

Hey sweety


I'm so sorry you are going through all this. You aren't selfish for wanting, asking for, or needing help. I want you to know that you are strong enough to get through anything life throws at you. It may not seem like it, especially now, but it's true. Life would suck if we get stuck in the middle of it, right? There are other ways to help you besides death. I know it's hard to reach out to others, especially when people like you and I have trouble around people. Trust me, I know. Maybe you can try "taking a break" from your friends? Take some time for yourself for a bit?


I'm wondering if you've tried any alternatives to SH. If not, here's a list of a few that might help

http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/


I told my dad about my SH recently, and he said for an entire day, don't use your thumbs. Okay, so, I know that sounds a bit weird, but it's actually helped me a bit. It's supposed to help break physiological patterns. How it works, I can't quite remember. I hope things get better for you, love you sweety. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I promise not to judge or try to fix things unless you want me to


"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
   
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Re: I can't stop and I'm scared... - April 19th 2015, 08:37 PM

Hi there,

You're not selfish, and I'm glad you told your friends about your struggles. I know that opening up to people is hard, and you should be proud of yourself for telling them about what you're going through. It seems like your friends are trying to help you in their own way, and I think you should let them help you since they want to. If what they're doing isn't helpful, then maybe you can let them know what they can do to help you out.

I know you said that going to a professional won't be helpful, and everyone's different, but I think you should give a professional another try. Talking is challenging, but it gets easier when you do it more often. I suggest seeing a professional so you can get accustomed to asking for help when you need it. If you do decide to see someone, be as honest as you possibly can because lying won't allow anyone to help you. Think of being honest as helping someone help you. Seeing someone and just talking about what you're going through can do a world of good. If you don't want to talk to someone, find other ways to express yourself such as blogging or journaling.

You said you don't like doing this to people you love, and suicide will only pass your pain onto the people left behind. I suggest thinking of reasons to live and writing a list of them so you can refer to it when you're feeling low. If you're in danger, call a hotline or talk to someone as soon as you can.


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Re: I can't stop and I'm scared... - April 19th 2015, 09:07 PM

Thank you both so much for replying, it means a lot that you would take the time to <3

I still just don't know what to do...
I know I'm selfish, because I drag people down with me and put my burden onto them.
Death is "living" to me. Not "life". Well you may say what is death without life? It IS "life'. It IS "living"; for me anyway. I'm not suited to this. My wings are broken, and they will never be mended because I won't let them. I'm a flightless bird. I'm on the ground, and I will be forever until I die. So why wait? Why wait for death to come to me when I can so easily end it, and end it quickly? I can end it BEFORE things get even worse like they inevitably will. And if more people start knowing me and getting attached to me for whatever reasons they may have, it will hurt them, and they will try to stop me just like you are now. Living has made me hurt others, but not in the simplistic way of physically hurting people or visible hurting people. It is an invisible pain that hurts the most. And that is why I hate myself even more. I let people get attached to me, meaning that they will hurt when I die (confusingly). I don't want that. I can't let anyone else get attached.
I am not beautiful. I am useless. I am not talented, and maybe if I even tried to help myself I would be able to be happy but I'm a quitter, I'm lazy and I can't do anything.
You may say I'm young, and that I don't yet know what life is like because I haven't been able to experience it all; but I'm already fed up with it. This life isn't for me. Is not a thing I enjoy, except for the friends I have made while trying to struggle through it. Death is like a reward to me. I'm living through something I don't want to only to due and finally, truly LIVE. Life may mean "living", but what is living when you are just surviving? Life means acceptance of the universe and all it throws at you, and thriving in the world no matter what kind of pain you may endure, yet the minuscule "pain" that I deem to be "suffering" is nothing compared to what eventually will come to me; and I can't accept that. I can't live it. I'm weak.
I'm sorry for everything I put people through and make them think. I'm sorry for never responding in as much detail as others do. I'm sorry for not believing what other people do, or sharing the belief in life over death. And most of all, I'm sorry for being a quitter. Everything everyone have done for me will eventually be for nothing. I'm not going to live, I'm not going to thrive, I'm not going to be alive; because inevitably, I will snap. It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be a month or a year or more, but I will. I'm repeating myself. And I will continue to do so until the time comes. I'm not rejecting life, life is rejecting me so I say I've had enough. As I said, I'm not suited to life and life is not suited to me. They say opposites attract, but not in this situation.
I'm sorry for hurting you, maybe I haven't, but I will, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't reply properly to everything you have said, but I basically just don't agree with most of the things you stated. The only thing I can say is I do agree that you guys do help me hold on, and I appreciate that so much. More than anyone knows. I'm sorry none of this makes sense and is just a useless ramble. I wish I could be a better friend, I wish I could stop being so much trouble, stop people worrying... I don't know what to do anymore and I'm running out of options and even if I may have a good life I don't feel good. I don't feel happy in this world. I don't belong here. Living is for people who want to live, dying is for people who don't. Why be alive to live if you don't want to keep living? I'm sorry.
I really can't go to professionals... I know for a fact they will make things worse. I REALLY know that for a fact. It's one of the only things I'm sure about these days... And another of them is that I've tried all alternatives possible and they just haven't worked... Nothing feels the same... Nothing has the blood... It's sick, but I think that's what draws me to it. The blood is like a sick reward for enduring physical pain...
   
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Re: I can't stop and I'm scared... - April 19th 2015, 09:27 PM

I don't think you're selfish, but I can't make you see that you're not. Only you have the power of doing that. For a long time, I also thought I was selfish and I thought I was bringing others down with me but I learned that I wasn't doing that. I'm being treated for a traumatic past and I have come to realize that there is no shame in asking for help and I'm not hurting others by trying to help myself. The first few professionals I saw weren't helpful, but I finally found a few that work for me and seeing them has been amazing and really helpful. I hope some day you're able to see that you're not a burden.

You don't have to agree with us, and you don't have to take our advice, either. We don't take offense to that. We just make suggestions and offer advice and whether or not you take that advice is up to you; you're the one in control, we can only control ourselves and not anyone else. Sometimes depression can be influenced by negative thoughts, and you have to work to change those. You have to want to help yourself and make it through this for yourself; you have to have the desire to ask for help and work through things, and doing that will be hard without the desire to do it. We'll always be here to support you, and we'll be more than willing to help you if you decide you're ready to recover.


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Re: I can't stop and I'm scared... - April 19th 2015, 09:55 PM

I really, truly know that professionals can't help me... I know a lot of people think the same thing, but I know it's true for me.
Thank you <3 I'm sorry I can't say much else; I'm not very good at talking to people... But thank you.
   
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