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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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I can't take it anymore. - April 23rd 2015, 05:52 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I can't take it anymore. I fee like I'm going insane. I almost tried killing myself twice this month, I harm myself just to feel pain, I hate myself with a burning passion. Words can't explain how much I hate myself, and I hate being here. I can't handle being touched without getting anxiety most of the time, same with sounds. Thankfully the sound anxiety has gone down a bit. There's always noise going on in my house.. There isn't a quiet place for me to go to. I also never feel connected to myself or others, and I've never felt comfortable in my own skin.


I want to do horrid things to myself daily. They are very graphic and violent most of the time. I feel like a sicko whenever I think of it. There is only really two things I can think of that might be causing it. Apparently my brother (he is severely autistic) would hit and kick and scratch and bite and pinch me a lot when we were little, and i would do the same to myself. I thought that since he did it to me, it was normal to do it to myself as well. My mom said I would do it when I got angry and frustrated. I think that carried over to me right now psychologically. The other reason is I love pain >.>

Thanks for taking the time to read this..


"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
   
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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 23rd 2015, 06:16 AM

Have you talked to someone about how you've been feeling? Perhaps you can talk to your parents or someone else that you trust. If you don't feel like you can talk to anyone, try calling a hotline to talk things through with someone. You may benefit from doing things to express yourself, like blogging or keeping a journal. Maybe you can think of what you want to do to the future, or just things that require you to treat yourself nicely, like a spa day or a relaxing day at the beach. I can understand why noise bothers you, and I'm glad to hear that your sound anxiety has decreased a little bit. Maybe you can purchase some ear plugs or listen to loud music when you find other sounds bothersome?

You're not sick, but I know it's easy to see yourself that way. You're just a human being who's struggling, but you'll get through this with time. Copying these behaviors from your brother at a young age could be contributing to how you're feeling now. I believe in you and I'm here if you need anything.


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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 23rd 2015, 06:23 AM

I have talked to my parents a little bit about it, as well as a family friend. I've tried listening to loud music, but that seems to make it a bit worse <.> Thank you for replying


"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
   
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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 23rd 2015, 06:33 AM

Is counseling an option for you? Perhaps you and your parents can look into that. I can see how loud music can make it worse. You might benefit from going on YouTube and listening to nature sounds or positive affirmations.


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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 23rd 2015, 07:08 AM

Sorta. Our family friend is basically my counselor, hehe. I'll be sure to go on Youtube and look for nature sounds whenever I get the anxiety


"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
   
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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 24th 2015, 01:41 AM

Cassiopeia has offered some great suggestions and she is right: you are not disturbed or sick, but it's often easy for us to view ourselves that way during difficult times when we aren't thinking properly. I think many of us can attest to that.

As for what your struggles are rooted in and whether it has anything to do with your brother and what happened when you's were children, I won't even begin to speculate because I obviously don't know. But I can definitely understand how being around constant noise and disruption or feeling as if you have nowhere to be alone when you feel the need would be upsetting.

As was already suggested, blogging or keeping a journal can be helpful in venting or sorting out your thoughts. Even taking a walk somewhere (perhaps a park or nature area if there is one nearby) could provide you with a place to go when you need some alone time.

In regard to calming techniques and sounds, this might sound silly and may not be for you, but I have found some bagpipe music to be quite soothing and relaxing.

I wish you well and hope things improve
   
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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 24th 2015, 02:58 AM

I do keep a journal, I'd go out for a walk outside but I can't go outside without someone with me, amd I'm not allowed to go out of our yard. <.> Woops.


"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
   
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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 25th 2015, 12:10 AM

I'm really sorry things are so bad for you right now. I don't have a lot of words to say but I want you to know that you ARE a lot stronger than self harm and you don't need it. It's not going to help you in the long run and you deserve a lot better than it, okay? Talking to people can really help. Do you have a teacher or a doctor you can turn to for some support? Its good you've spoken to your parents a little, but do you think you could maybe go into more detail because I'm thinking maybe they don't know just how bad you are feeling and if they don't know, then they can't help as well as they could do if they did know. You deserve help and support - you don't deserve to suffer in silence, okay?

You can get through this so keep fighting and keep believing in yourself. We're always here for you!

Jessie.


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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 25th 2015, 04:01 AM

Hey there,

I am glad that you have opened up to your parents about this. I think that having their support will be really beneficial. I suppose that talking to your family friend about this would be a good idea as well. Let them know that you are struggling and explain to them about what you are struggling with. I know that might be a difficult conversation to have but I think the more people that are aware of your struggles the better you will be. You can gain support from this and work on getting to a better place.

I really hope that this helped and I am wishing you the best of luck.


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Re: I can't take it anymore. - April 26th 2015, 06:23 AM

I can't really talk to a teacher or doctor with all this. I'm homeschooled, and I can't go to that doctor. And I hate doctors. I'd talk to people a lot more about everything, but I have a hard time starting conversations and I end up getting close to an anxiety attack and feel weird. I don't want to bug anyone either. I also feel like an attention whore whenever I do end up talking to someone about it.


"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
   
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