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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Not_here Offline
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you know youre spiraling out of control when... - September 8th 2015, 01:31 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

When you use tools that work on electricity and get upset because it isn't enough
When you fall asleep and wake up to find tools are still on your bed lying opened.
When you dedicate an old shirt as a "blood shirt" becsuse you dont want to be suspicious with how much paper towel you use.
When the obly time you think creatively (or at all) is when you imagine all the house items being used as tools.
When you're known as a cryer but SH is a sort of lullibuy to you because you stop crying and can fall asleep easier.
When your only ambition in life is going deeper than the day before.
When the only time you took care of yourself was when you bled a lot from skin picking but now even bleeding doesn't prompt you to take care of yourself.

When you hear love songs and apply it as a metaphor to SH. Like so:
Quote:

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Yeah im done listing.

Last edited by Not_here; September 8th 2015 at 04:05 AM. Reason: thought of another example
   
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Re: you know youre spiraling out of control when... - September 8th 2015, 04:26 AM

Hey, i am so sorry you are feeling like this. I know things are really hard right now and i know it may seem like things are never going to get better but things will.. I promise. Whatever is going on and whatever you are going through is only temporary. Things WILL get better. I do not know your religious beliefs and the last thing i want to do is pressure you. But i am a christian and i strongly believe that God is never going to put me through something i can't handle.. whatever your beliefs are you can always make that quote into your own. Remember that you are here for a reason. you have a purpose. you are NOT a mistake or a joke. YOU are worth it. Forget and eliminate any person or thing in your life that doesn't benefit you. Forget everyone who doubted you or harmed you. Focus on YOU and who you are. You are worth more than you think and can imagine. You are loved.
I hope this helps you in anyway. Stay strong(:
-madisyn

here are some quotes that i think may help..

" anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." -anonymous

"you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it"

" i'm thankful for my struggle, because without it i wouldn't have stumbled across my strength."

"strength does not come form what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't"
   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: you know youre spiraling out of control when... - September 8th 2015, 06:39 AM

If you like Lady Antebellum, you should listen to this. Someone recommended it to me a few years ago when I was struggling and I found it helpful.

I think I remember seeing you post somewhere on the site about therapy/support groups. How are those things going? Are you open while you're there? I highly suggest telling some people there about what you're going through. Therapy is the safest place to do that. If you don't want to share, find other ways to express how you're feeling. Blog, journal, write poems, or you can PM me. Just try not to keep it bottled up inside.

Do you know what's making you feel like harming yourself? If you talk about your triggers, I might be able to offer more advice.


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Palmolive Offline
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Re: you know youre spiraling out of control when... - September 8th 2015, 09:56 PM

Hi

I don't have many words to say but I wanted to show my support. You're a lovely person and deserve the best in life and I am so sorry you are feeling this way - you don't deserve it at all and I wish I could make things better for you. Know this is going to be a hard fight but know that you can do it and it is worth it. Do you know what triggers the urges to self harm? Maybe if you spoke to us a bit more about them, we could go through them with you and how you can manage and deal with them? Just a thought. Just remember you are worth more than self harm and in reality it doesn't really work. I know it's a hard one to fight but you can do it, I know how strong you are so keep at it and keep fighting, we're all behind you on this.

Always here, stay safe,
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: you know youre spiraling out of control when... - September 9th 2015, 02:44 AM

It is hard to really say the triggers but I'll try my best. Not in any particular order.
1)stress from school: I see my grades and it's decent but only I know the stress and suffering that goes into this just to keep up. And the fear that I won't maintain the good grades or be able to keep up. For instance I got 14/15 on my weekly quiz. I had the change to retake it and got 13/15. I didn't know which one I got wrong. I was also given an hour total for both attempts combined and online at home with my sister being loud.
2) people people stress me out, whether it is close family or strangers who hiss at me in a crowded subway. I hate being in such a crowded city. As for close family and friends, I'm struggling a lot. I'm struggling with loneliness then guilt by how needy I am , suspicious about whether my family members love me or not. I am preoccupied by my childhood yet disconnected from it. It feels like scattered fragments yet I am constantly analyzing every detail and it gets stressful
Anxiety- by this I mean physically. Sometimes I'm lying down in bed tossing and turning and crying because I hate being me and I hate being in my body and I just want to escape. (Not in a gender dysphoric way)
Feeling worthless- I feel like I need to punish myself. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive but I am anyway. I feel like my presence is shameful. If I eat that's wrong. If someone is affectionate towards me, that's wrong, yet I crave it at the same time. I feel like running away but I'm abandoned anyway, so I'm not running away from anyone. So now I feel like I have to get close to someone just to push them away because I want to be close yet I don't at the same time.
And with all this, I'm angry at myself for all these things too.
I'm angry at myself because people made fun of me and I cried and then they made fun of me more. I don't know why but I have a strong need to destroy myself, or rather finish up what is messed up already. Just crush the last unbroken part of me so I'm completely broken
Family stress- too complicated at this point. I'd rather just die than think about this mess.
The future-any career I think of I shoot it down because I want to do something in the helping profession but I suck so I would rather sleep instead. I need to escape.
.
   
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Re: you know youre spiraling out of control when... - September 9th 2015, 09:28 PM

  • Stress from school: It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, and despite that, you're doing great! A 13/15 or a 14/15 are amazing grades. It sounds like you're a little bit of a perfectionist when it comes to school, but just remember that you're trying your best and that's all that matters. You're so much more than a grade on your test. Your grades don't define who you are.
  • People: People definitely are stressful and I understand where you're coming from. I'm glad you're still continuing to expose yourself to them, though, because prolonged exposure to things that stress you out can be beneficial. As for strangers, try to remember that you'll see them once and you'll most likely never see them again. You'll never have to bother with them again. And, a lot of people get stressed out from being around others. It might help to know that other people surrounding you might feel similarly to you. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to be around others. It's a human need and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
  • Anxiety: Anxiety, especially when it effects you physically, can be so hard to deal with. It just shows that there's a strong attachment between the mind and the body. When you feel anxious, particularly at night, try to focus on your breathing. Picture yourself pulling in positive things when you inhale, and releasing the negativity when you exhale. Consider trying some soft classical music, or nature/sleep sounds before you go to bed at night. There's also certain scented lotions that can help you fall asleep, too. Exercising might help with the need to escape, too. I know sometimes I get so anxious I can't sit still and that makes me want to self-harm. Consider taking a walk for a nice change of scenery, or trying some yoga poses. Even pacing around your room might help too, because you're up and moving.
  • Feeling worthless: You don't need to punish yourself, that's the depression talking. Like I said earlier, affection is a human need and there's no shame in craving it. Getting close to people without pushing them away can be hard, but I think you're capable of it. You do deserve to be alive, that's why you were put on this earth. And I personally love your presence. I enjoy talking to you and seeing you post around TeenHelp.
  • Anger toward yourself: Try to feel the anger toward the people who make fun of you. They're in the wrong, you're not the one at fault. There is no need to punish yourself for someone's wrongdoings. Don't finish up what's already messed up, because by doing that you're adding to what those people have done to you. You're letting them win. Instead, build those things back up. Glue those shattered pieces back together and you could start with something small, like talking kindly to yourself.
  • Family stress: I think you should just focus on yourself for now. You're not obligated to do anything for your family, given the way they've treated you in the past.
  • The future: Thinking about the future to some degree is helpful, but don't think about it too much because it can be overwhelming. Just try to focus on getting through today. One day at a time, or an hour, or even a few minutes at a time.


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The mountains are calling and I must go.
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They whispered to her
you cannot withstand the storm
she whispered back
i am the storm.
   
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Re: you know youre spiraling out of control when... - September 10th 2015, 04:07 PM

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for thoughtful responses and reading these really helped. I re-read it multiple times :P The support means a lot. And I did listen to that song you linked me to, it's really nice. I'm gonna put it on my playlist. Which I hope to set up soon.


I SHed yesterday but today I feel better about not SHing, motivated and trying to pick myself back up, and maybe start counting up the days I go without it again.

It's just that last night was really rough and my home situation is quite unpredictable. It feels like I don't matter at home and I'm not seen as a whole human being, but rather what can be extracted from me to be used for their own good, OR if there's something that I'm having a problem with or if they have a problem with me (even if I don't count it as a priority problem), I become THE problem. And it's like there's effort directed towards destroying the problem which means they don't really mind destroying me on the way. They have this really controlling approach. I say "they" because even though my dad is my only parent, my sisters tend to boss me around and exert a sort of authority over me similarly to how my dad does.

I feel like I'm being mind-played because how much my dad can switch from affectionate to completely opposite- hostile and plain mean. I am shocked when he gets mean, it is usually when he is angry. But there are times when he changes and seems to be finding it funny to hurt me. He even said many times "it's fun bothering you" and then 5 minutes later he'd get angry and say "woah it's just a joke. Relax." and then later after that, if I'm still upset he'd get aggressive or he'd just leave for hours, or give me silent treatment or go to sleep. He gets offended if anyone brings up they were hurt by him, he turns it around and says the person is cruel for accusing him in a according to him "exaggerated" and "false"

I have a hard time feeling loved by even friends I consider close to me, though I can definitely recognize the gesture when they show they care about me and I do appreciate it. I feel guilty for not being good enough.

Sorry, just venting here. These moments are coming back to me because there has been a decline for some time and now it's back up to the similar scenarios and it's like my memory of a few years back has returned and it's flooding. It used to be that I would have diary entries that I read but didn't have a memory associated with it but now I sorta do. It's foggy but less foggy. And I know in the other appartment before we moved last march, I had written on the walls and I know I shouldn't have done it but reading it on the last day before moving, it really stuck with me because I can tell I was really hopeless. And cleaning it up was like bittersweet because it's a clean slate, and I'm cleaning a mess but at the same time I regret not documenting those words or taking pictures of it because that was a sort of diary entry. I'd had written all over and in each spot it had a date next to it so it was like a really vandalized version of a diary entry but it did document things that I sort of wish I kept.
   
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