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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Chuuya Offline
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Hey guys. - October 15th 2015, 04:51 PM

It's a blast from the past. And I do feel like utter crap for just dropping and leaving this place behind...I got so busy, but really there's no excuse for how I left. I should have done things a little better, so I'm sorry and I hope all of you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. I'm really really sorry.

Anyway, I started college in August and as much as I love my college - it has everything, I'm growing in my faith, good professors, and I've made like 5 really good friends.

Who I told about my struggle with self harm...Only like four weeks after I had met them. Go me.

The only thing is I'm having a hard time adjusting and I slipped into old habits after being there only a week. I feel so guilty. I was clean for so long, and I think part of it was I was too busy to even think about self harming, but now I've got all this time and all this new pressure.

It's really hard. When I told my friends that I had struggled with self harm in the past, I didn't tell them I was actively self harming. I just said that I use to do it. So I'm a liar I guess, but my roommate put two and two together and noticed my cuts on my leg about two weeks after I had opened up to them about it. She told one of our other friends too and I guess they're really worried about me.

They talked to me about getting help, and I've never had anyone like sit down and do that with me, other than people on this site. I've always brushed counseling under the rug insisting that I could handle this myself.

Obviously, I can't.

I told so many people to seek counseling and help and to tell their friends and I never even did it myself. How hypocritical am I? I feel like shit. But after their constant insisting that counseling would help, I made myself an appointment and I went and I got a guy counselor who I don't really like, like at all, and after last weekend I'm like struggling and everything is bad and I feel guilty about everything. I self harmed really bad Sunday night. I was alone and I was really upset. And my roommate and my friend saw them and I scared the crap out of them. They don't think my current counselor is helping (correct) and wanted me to talk to our RD and now I have a new appointment with a different counselor who's not a guy. Which is all good and dandy.

But I'm scared. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want it to seem like I'm seeking attention. I don't want to be labeled as the friend who is a crazy person who cuts herself when she gets upset about the tiniest thing. I don't want to annoy my friends, because i'm 100% certain they are done with my daily mental breakdowns. They've barely known me for two months and they know more about me than people who have known me my whole life.

I'm really scared and I'm alone this weekend at home without them and all I want to do is self harm and I have no idea how i'm going to get through this weekend.

"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
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Re: Hey guys. - October 15th 2015, 05:40 PM

Personally, I think that telling them about your problem was a good idea. You now have someone who can help you through it, and since you're going through a really tough time, it's amazing to have someone there for you. Maybe they won't understand you fully, but it's still better than being all alone.
Don't feel like a liar, dear. That won't help and also it's not important at all. If I were them, I wouldn't think you're a liar. What they probably thought is that you were too scared to fully open up to them, which is completely fine and understandable (as you said, you've only known them for a couple of months). Don't stress about it, it's not important.
I'm glad you decided to seek help and go to a counselor, it's a really important step. I'm sure it'll all turn out okay.
Last, but not least: you are not a burden, you are simply facing a hard struggle at the moment. If these people love you (and I guess they do, since they've sit down with you and convinced you to go to therapy), they are not going to abandon you. What you can do now is sit down with them, tell them what you're feeling and explain to them why you get upset so easily. I'm sure they will try to understand. The fact that you're going to start therapy means a lot in this situation, because it means you don't want to take your problems out on them, and that you're trying to get them solved instead. I'm not sure I've been 100% clear about this last point, but I hope you understood what I mean.
As for how you're going to get through the weekend, I found a thread on here with the longest pssible list of alternatives to self harm. Go take a look, some of them are amazing. The general rule is to keep yourself distracted as long as you can. I've already said this in reply to another thread: I find taking bubble baths extremely effective when I'm upset, it really calms down my nerves and recently taking a hot bubble bath stopped me from harming myself. Some soothing music could help as well.
Don't worry, you will get through this weekend, and the next, and the next...

the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
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Re: Hey guys. - October 15th 2015, 07:52 PM


First of all, you don't have to apologize for leaving. So many things can go on outside of TeenHelp and you needed to tend to those things. I think we all struggle with balancing things onsite and offsite a lot so we understand where you're coming from.

I'm really glad you told your friends about what you're going through. You seem a little concerned about having told them because you haven't known them for that long. But, sometimes it's easier to talk to people you don't know as well and it's good you told them about this. Like it's already been said, I don't think you're a liar. You did tell your friends about your struggles with self-harm and that was honest, even if you didn't tell them that you were actively struggling.

You're not a hypocrite, either. It can be so easy to look into other people's lives and give them advice and be unable to apply those things to yourself. A lot of people struggle with it and it doesn't make you a hypocrite. It makes you a good person for giving advice and encouraging people to seek help.

I'm proud of you for meeting with that counselor even though you didn't like him. It takes a lot of strength to see a counselor. It can take time to find one you click with, and that's okay. I do hope you like the next one you see. And if not, I hope you eventually find someone you're able to click with. It can take a lot of trial and error.

You are not a burden and you're not seeking attention. And even if you did want attention, there's no shame in that because wanting it is a human need. Humans need attention and affection. I think you should talk to your friends to get some reassurance. Tell them you're afraid that you're bothering them and that sort of thing. You could ask if any one of them has struggled with something similar and you might be surprised. If you're able to get some reassurance, you might want to consider writing it down for future reference.

I think you should plan your weekend out to keep you busy. You said you're going to be at home. Maybe you can clean around the house or watch a movie. Write a list of things you have to do before you allow yourself to self-harm, and try to make it as long as you possibly can. Maybe you have to clean the living room or sweep the kitchen. Then you have to watch a movie, use some other alternatives, then come on TeenHelp. You have to reach out to your friends. You have to do all those things before you self-harm. You don't even have to tell your friends that you're struggling. You can just strike up a conversation through text as a good distraction. You can play the fifteen minute game, too. You give yourself fifteen minutes and by the end of that time you can self-harm. Keep adding fifteen minutes until you find something to keep you busy.

You're always more than welcome to PM me if you'd like to.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Hey guys. - October 15th 2015, 10:40 PM

Hey, Lauren.

We didn't talk a lot but I saw what a kind person you were. You don't have to apologize but the fact that you are apologizing proves you're a kind person. But as I said, no apologies necessary. All of us understand how easy it is to get busy and caught up in real life things along with TeenHelp stuff. We understand more than you know and we still think you're awesome, Lauren. I'm glad you reached out here to us. We're always here anytime you need support and I hope to see you back for good at some point once things are less busy in your life.

I'm sorry you're struggling with self-harm. You mentioned you had gone a long time self-harm free and to me, that stands out the most regardless of the relapse. I know you feel so bad about relapsing but I want to remind you that the time you spent self-harm free isn't for nothing. Even now. All that time contributed to recovery in one way or another and I believe you can go self-harm free again. This would be a good time to build up coping skills and distraction techniques that work for you when you aren't busy.

Having "go-to" distractions is helpful for when you're dealing with urges. Is there a simple hobby you can distract yourself with until urges/feelings fade a bit? Maybe you could do something simple such as coloring in a coloring book meant for relaxation purposes. Or play a video game, watch a TV show or even go for a walk to clear your mind and get away from what is upsetting you. Calico has some good suggestions about planning out what you will be doing ahead of time so you won't be stuck with lots of time to fill therefore making you more likely to self-harm. Have you done any of the things on the self-harm alternatives list? Perhaps you could do a few things on the list at a time when you feel upset/have urges and see which ones work for you then use those when you're struggling.

Finding ways to express yourself and handle what is upsetting you in a healthy way could be good. That's easier said than done, obviously but it could be something you can slowly make progress on. For example, when you feel upset, how about talking to someone about what upset you instead? Text one of your friends and see if talking about it helps first. You can also journal about your thoughts and feelings as well so you have a healthy outlet to express yourself. You can also blog on here! There's creative hobbies such as art, crafts and creative writing you could try out as well. Basically, explore your personal interests to see what you can distract yourself with and express yourself through, you know? Do what you enjoy and what makes you happy.

To hear that you have made good friends in college that you can open up to is so wonderful. Honestly, opening up to them about your self-harm is a positive thing despite how short of time you knew them for. They seem to care and be concerned about you. That only makes them a good friend. I also do not see how it makes you a liar by saying you "used" to self-harm. People who are recovering from self-harm experience relapses and I'm sure your friends are aware of that. Perhaps you could explain to them that this was a sudden relapse? It could help you feel a bit better about the situation upon clearing this up with your friends. Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends for support and like Calico suggested, you can let them know how you feel as you might be bothering them and get reassurance. I highly doubt they view you the way you think they view you. Rather than a "crazy girl who cuts when she's upset over tiny problems", they probably see you as: "our kind, wonderful friend whom we want to support and help."

Giving others advice to open up and seek help is the right advice because it really can help. I don't see you as hypocritical because honestly, I think so many of us here on TeenHelp can relate to how you are feeling in terms of feeling hypocritical. It's weird, but taking our own advice; the advice we give, is really hard. When we see others struggling, we see what might hopefully help them and we offer that advice in the hopes they will take it and that action will improve their life for the better. However, it can be tough to apply our own advice to our lives when you're already struggling and especially when you feel as you can do things on your own. That doesn't make you a bad person or hypocritical. And also, I don't see you as attention-seeking. You to be wanting advice and support. Regardless, all of us are human and need to feel as someone cares. That wouldn't make you a bad person at all.

As for your counselor, that is great that you took that step and reached out and you should be proud of yourself for that. Although, I'm sorry you aren't very fond of your counselor. That's understandable for you to feel that way because a counselor is a person you'll be reaching out to and talking to about your issues. You have to like that person to feel comfortable enough to build up trust to talk about sensitive issues. As Calico. said, it can take some trial and error. I hope this different counselor you will be seeing is more helpful to you. And as I said, you should be proud of yourself for reaching out.

Just letting you know that you can PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to, okay? And of course, you are more than welcome to continue reaching out here for support. We're happy to listen and try to help if we can. In the meantime, take care of yourself. You can do this, Lauren. Stay strong.
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Re: Hey guys. - October 16th 2015, 10:01 AM


Firstly, don't feel like crap for leaving this site. Lots of people do because things come up and don't say and while some people may have been worried about you, I understand that you just had to do that at the time and that is honestly okay. Things come up in life and sometimes we can't continue doing the things we want to and that's just the way it is. I am however really glad that you have come back and reached out to us for some support and help. I know that must have been really hard for you so I hope you are proud of yourself for doing so. I'm certainly proud of you. And I'm going to tell you something. I've been ending up in A&E a lot recently due to self harm. And you know what? About three weeks ago I moved to university. And the change threw me of edge and I've struggled to cope with it so your post really hit me and I could relate to parts of it. I think it's really amazing though that you have tod people about what's going on for you and that you've let them in to help! I hope I can help you in one way or another because you definitely deserve the help.

You've taken a huge step by going to college. I know it's so scary doing so and with everything that you struggle with, I think you have done really well. It is a big change and you have to get used to things differently and sometimes it feels like you have to get used to things quickly but in all honestly, you don't. Its going to be uncomfortable, but feeling anxious and a bit uncertain about the changes is normal. Maybe a bit more extreme for you but in general is normal. And its going to take time to get used to all of this. Okay? Its great you've been five really good friends and Im glad you have because having people in your life is really important and I would hate for you to feel lonely or isolated. And its brilliant you let them in. You've made some huge steps here and I hope you can recognise that.

Its so easy to slip back into old habbits because it's what we know. You know that when you feel low, you can turn to self harm because it's kind of comforting. I know that. But in the long run it's not going to help you. Self harm doesn't make the situations you're in any better or any easy. In fact, maybe it's making them worse and maybe even harder? And you honestly do not deserve the pain you are putting yourself through at all. You deserve so much more than that and I hope one day soon you can see that. I know that in the moment it seems logical to self harm because we think its going to help, but its not. Have you thought about making some posters when you're feeling in a bit of a better mood of reasons not to self harm and why it doesn't in fact help etc? Guilt comes along with self harm. I can relate to that a hell of a lot but please don't feel guilty. You don't really want things to be this way and you're not choosing for things to be this hard, thats just the way it is. What you need to start doing is taking control of the self harm, taking control of you and when those urges come and those thoughts come along and you feel you need to self harm and hurt yourself, tell them to do one, that you are in fact stronger and that you don't need it, because you are stronger and you don't need it. Its great you were clean for so long and thats just another goal to work towards, okay? Don't let that put you down. You can beat that. Maybe you need to find a way to deal with pressure too? For example sometimes after a long day I get into bed a bit earlier, snuggle up in my pjs and my fave blanket with a hot chocolate and watch a good film that I know I love and will make me feel a bit better. Find things that work for you.

Its okay to have not told them you're actively doing it. You don't have to tell the, everything and I wouldn't say it makes you a liar. We don't all always tell the truth but bend it a little bit so don't but that extra pressure on yourself. You need to let that one go because having that in your head isn't going to help with all the pressure you are already under. However, I think I am glad they put two and two together and realised that you are still self harming because it gives you a bit of extra support which I think you need right now. I know it can be scary having them know but they're worried because they care about you and want what is best for you, you know? They don't want you to get hurt or to be in pain and they want you to be happy and to be okay. They're your friends. They love you for who you are and just want to help you and I'm glad you have that kind of support network in your life because if you don't it can be so lonely. Them talking to you about getting help is great. I'm glad they sat down with you and spoke to you about it; just another way to show they really do care about you and are worried about you. Let these friends help you okay? They clearly want to so don't be afraid to go to them if you are struggling. I think they'd be more than happy for you to talk to them.

You're not hypocritical. I'm constantly telling people things on this site which I should probably be directing towards myself too. I think a lot of us do but that's because we have our own struggles and we care. I'm glad you got a counselor but I am sorry the relationship just didn't build between you. That can be really hard and I get that. I am however glad you now have a new counselor and I do hope you can build that bond and trust with them so you can have an honest and open relationship and get the help that you truly deserve. Just remember they are there to help you, alright? Let them in and be honest. They can't help you if they don't know what's going on for you right now.

Did something happen last weekend to make you struggling more? If there is something and you want to talk to us about know that we're here for you okay? You're not alone in this and we're more than happy to listen to you and to try to help you as best as we can do. If you don't want to talk about it, if there is something, then that's okay too, just know when you're ready, we are too. I'm sorry you self harmed on Sunday. Have you ever thought about ringing a helpline? Maybe it's something to think about. When you feel that way maybe picking up the phone would be a good idea. Scary I know, but good. Or text or call a friend. Like I said they clearly care about you and I'm sure they'd want to help you in that moment rather then find out later that you have actually hurt yourself. You are not alone in this. SO many people want to help you.

Its okay to be scared my love. But know that you aren't a burden, that we know you aren't attention seeking, that no one is going to label you as "crazy" and you're not going to annoy anyone at all. No one who knows what its like or no one who cars would think any of this about you and they're the people that matter. You're none of these things, honestly and you don't come across as any of them but you do come across as someone who is in pain and I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better for you because you deserve a better life than all of this.

You can get through the weekend. If it makes it any easier, you can message me anytime okay? I won't mind and I come on here pretttttty often em: so honestly, I don't mind. Use distractions. Things like writing, reading, watching tv/films, talking to friends, spending time with others, doing art work, going for a walk/run, shopping and so on. Use mindfulness to help you calm down in the stressful moments. Talk to people. Don't be alone and maybe write some posters about why you want to recover from self harm, what to do in a crisis and so on that you can stick on your wall for when you are struggling. You can do this. Recovery is possible and I have every faith in you. Please feel free to message me anytime. I really hope this helps in some way. Just keep your head up and stay fighting.

Hopes and wishes.

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Hey guys. - October 16th 2015, 07:34 PM

Thank you guys so much. It means so much that I can get on here and talk to you guys.

Last weekend was really hard, it was family weekend at my college and my closer friends had their parents come on Thursday and mine didn't come until like Saturday, and I wasn't even looking forward to them being there. My roommate also had a wedding to go to back in her hometown so she left Thursday evening. It was really rough because I was alone and I was worried about my parents being there for the weekend. I spent most of Thursday night in my room by myself and the same for Friday. I went to class and came back to my dorm and sat there. I know that probably wasn't smart, but it sucks even worse being out and bout.

Friday night it got to be a little too much so I texted my friend J and we went for a walk. I didn't really tell him what was going on just that I was upset. He didn't push me to talk he just distracted me and it was good. Then we went back to his room and watched a movie with some of our other friends. It was a nice distraction and I didn't feel like self harming anymore, and Saturday was okay too. Other than my parents being up and talking about money and how hard it was to make tuition and all of that crap.

When they talk about money and tuition and how things are hard it stresses me out so much, and that's probably the main reason why I relapsed after I got to college. That and the fear of making no friends the first week. Once I started, it seemed so easy to just keep doing it every time I was upset...

Sunday was probably the worst. After my parents left I was alone again and all of my friends had left to get my roommate from the airport. I felt so alone and I had a midterm to study for and I felt as if I was like the fifth wheel of the group. Like they didn't really like me and didn't want me around, or that I had too many problems and they didn't want me around...

But I know they left before I got done with my parents.

I just don't know how to tell myself that they do like me and actually believe it. I've never had close friends like this. But I feel left out even when I am with them. But I think it's just my brain being dumb. If that makes sense at all. While they were gone the events of the weekend just hit me and I couldn't resist the urge and it was worse than it's ever been.

"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
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Re: Hey guys. - October 16th 2015, 09:18 PM

Honestly, there's no need to be thanking us. We care and want to help; it's what we're here for!

I'm so sorry last weekend was hard for you. Its sad you weren't looking forward to your parents being there and even though they only came on the Saturday, I am glad they did come and see you there. Going and sitting in your dorm probably isn't the best thing to do but I think you are aware of that and hopefully that's something you can work on in the future maybe. Do you think you would be able too? Because I am sure it just made you feel a lot worse and that maybe the urges became worse too.

I'm glad that you sent your friend a text and went for a walk on the Friday. That sounds like it might have been productive. Just sometimes being around someone "safe" can help us when we're feeling vulnerable, lost or alone and low. And I am glad you had that support to help you through it and I hope it did help you. I hope it made you realise that you do have people around you who care about you and want what is best for you because you really do. So many people!

Money can be a big stress, especially on students and I can relate to that one for sure. Have you tried doing some budgeting to help with it? I know that might sound draining but it might be useful for you. Making friends is a hard one too but it sounds like you're doing it well! Its normal to have been worried about it though but you should be proud of yourself for how you have been with people and how well you have gotten on with others. Once we start it can seem hard to stop but you can stop. You can get through this and you can beat these urges and overwhelming feelings and thoughts. Its going to be a hard one but you have support all of the way to help you through it, okay?

From what you have said about your friends, it doesn't sound like you are a fifth wheel. It sounds like you actually get on with them and that they genuinely like you and care about you and thats so important to hold on to. And if you feel this way then maybe it would be worth talking to them about it? Again, a scary situation but something that might help you a lot. It might help you see whats true and what isn't.

You need to learn to love yourself, I think before you can learn to accept that anyone else loves you and I have a feeling that you actually don't love yourself. Maybe it would be helpful to start writing a list of things you like about yourself and that can be things on the inside and the outside. Of course there are going to be things you don't like, I expect that, we all have flaws we don't like and thats okay but you need to recognise things that you do like too.

You are worth so much more than self harm and deserve so much better than it okay? I know its a hard fight but you'll get through this. You can in fact resist the urges and you are in fact stronger than them. Beating them is possible and I know you can do it!

Jessie. <3

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Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: Hey guys. - October 18th 2015, 10:46 AM


I think it would be good for you if you hung out with your friends more, as happy moments slowly but surely destroy and eliminate the bad ones. This world is about how you learn from whatever mistakes you've made, learn from them, forget them and move on. and i truly believe that you've the capability to do that. For you, i think you should distract yourself with more positive activities such as reading, potter , singing nursery rhymes for kids and more movies.

There's tons of stuff for you to get into and there's so much variety. I truly think that the more you enrich yourself with positive experiences, the better you'll be able to relax , chill and truly enjoy being who you are.

And there's completely nothing wrong with being Lauren. Lauren seems to be a nice person that means you're definitely a nice person. Be proud of that.

It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.

rant to me if there's anything!



As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
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