TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

I've been here a while
********
 
~Radio Flyer~'s Avatar
 
Name: Violet
Gender: Other
Location: Koolibah tree

Posts: 1,330
Blog Entries: 457
Join Date: May 12th 2016

i cant do it - March 3rd 2017, 04:20 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

There's reasons to not cut and not end my life
but not enough reasons for me to want recovery, or to live or to do anything. I feel stuck in limbo, stagnant in the same place and no motivation to heal, grow, get to a place in recovery that I'm thriving.

I don't even see a point in surviving at all. I get into these existential crisis things and I start to feel so much despair and don't know why I should survive any of this pain to begin with.


I tried to make myself an easy night. I was having rough emotions tonight, not because of anything in particular. Just this overall depressed and alienation and isolation feeling. Loneliness in the layman's term I guess.

I listened to some music. But it wasn't doing the trick. So then I watched movie clips of characters taking pills or cutting to end their life. It was horrifying. I don't know why I chose to watch that. Then I made myself some tea and laid in bed drinking it. Thought I'd fall asleep with the warmth but no...I was restless and anxious and reopened huge scabs from when I cut this week and last week. And now I'm bleeding.
I have to wear socks at all times at home because I cut so much the last two weeks that the wounds go past my ankle and my sisters would see a cut sticking out from the leggings by my ankles. I usually wear socks anyway but it has been so uncomfortable to feel like I must wear socks at all times.
I can't wear any color besides black. Because the open wounds start to heal and get sticky and when I take my pants off, the sticky healing skin gets pulled out. So I can't wear any light colors otherwisi it would ststain by accident
By accident if I don't end up picking and peeling it part, on purpose
I even was wearing short sleeves in my room but then my sister came in and I scrambled for a jacket and made it look like I was putting on a jacket midway and just kept one arm in the sleeve the entire time.

When I wash dishes I can't roll up my sleeves even slightly because the cut goes down to my wrist.
Exciting things are happening in my life. I started an online training to be a Peer Specialist. My sister invited me to stay with her for "as long as you want" because she is moving into an apartment for Spring quarter instead of a dorm room so there's more flexibility of inviting guests and she said I can help her decorate her room and she knows how much I love decorating rooms and we used to always dream up cool room designs together so Ifeel like we are kids again and I feel honored she invited me. But at the same time, if she finds out I'm cutting all of this will change and she might not talk to me. And I'm just scared. I feel like no one will love me consistently. They'll realize Im not worthy and not as cool as I appeared at first and just leave me. I don't know.

I have so much to do and didn't even get through it today so I have to squeeze it all in for tomorrow and the weekend
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
danh19 Offline
Member
Not a n00b
**
 
danh19's Avatar
 
Name: daniel
Gender: Male
Location: england

Posts: 58
Join Date: March 2nd 2017

Re: i cant do it - March 3rd 2017, 09:08 AM

you shouldn't be so hard on yourself clearly you have some serious mental health issues have you seen a doctor about it
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

I've been here a while
********
 
~Radio Flyer~'s Avatar
 
Name: Violet
Gender: Other
Location: Koolibah tree

Posts: 1,330
Blog Entries: 457
Join Date: May 12th 2016

Re: i cant do it - March 3rd 2017, 10:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by danh19 View Post
you shouldn't be so hard on yourself clearly you have some serious mental health issues have you seen a doctor about it
Hi Daniel
Welcome to Teenhelp!

Most professionals and people dont think my problems are severe or severe enough. It is hard even convincing them to take me seriously. And I don't have a doctor right now. But I told my therapist about my self harm and she said she is going to have to mention medication again to me if I can't stop. Because, I did stop for over 3 months and before that was 2 months. I wonder when she says she is going to bring it up to me again, if she will make an ultimatum, like she will stop seeing me if I don't go on meds
Also I told her I have passive thoughts of suicide which to her, she said if I can't get out of bed or have active thoughts, urges, or actions or plans about suicide then she will talk to me about medication again about that too. I usually have passive thoughts but I actually saved my pills from when I was prescribed them and I have them in the cabinet.
There have been days I don't get out of bed but I end up getting up for my cat or something. And sometimes I manage to get out. She doesn't know there are days I don't get out of bed or maybe I do get out of my bed but still stay in my room 99% of the day.
Sometimes I go out just to therapy and then go back to my bed. I am good at hiding things. I have to hide things.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
danh19 Offline
Member
Not a n00b
**
 
danh19's Avatar
 
Name: daniel
Gender: Male
Location: england

Posts: 58
Join Date: March 2nd 2017

Re: i cant do it - March 3rd 2017, 11:31 AM

I sorry to hear that it sounds like your therapist should be doing more are their any support groups you can join in your area
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

I've been here a while
********
 
~Radio Flyer~'s Avatar
 
Name: Violet
Gender: Other
Location: Koolibah tree

Posts: 1,330
Blog Entries: 457
Join Date: May 12th 2016

Re: i cant do it - March 3rd 2017, 11:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by danh19 View Post
I sorry to hear that it sounds like your therapist should be doing more are their any support groups you can join in your area
I tried different support groups over the years. the last one i went to was long term, i went to that support group for over a year and a half but left that one for a few reasons, then switched to a different one and attended only 2 meetings and then I couldn't go to that one. So now I'm looking into a different one. My therapist recommended the one I'm looking into and the last one.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
Verbal venom.

TeenHelp Addict
************
 
cynefin's Avatar
 
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: 1261'

Posts: 9,746
Blog Entries: 1469
Join Date: August 25th 2012

Re: i cant do it - March 3rd 2017, 02:54 PM

You said there are reasons to not hurt yourself and to live but sometimes they feel like they're not enough and that's a tough feeling. What reasons do you have so far? I was thinking, if you have overall reasons (e.g. to achieve a career goal) you could think of in the moment reasons that are particular to your current circumstances. I sometimes make excuses to not self-harm. For instance, you could say that you're too tired so you won't hurt yourself or you can tell yourself that you have things to do and self-harm would get in the way of them. You can do it day by day as well. For example, instead of harming yourself today, tell yourself you'll do what you need to get done and then you can revisit the idea of self-harming.

Can you wear pajamas, or any clothes that are loose fitting? That way you can be comfortable and you won't irritate your skin when you remove your clothes. You could also try covering them up with bandages, then putting your clothes on. Even if you don't have first aid items, you can just cover your wounds with a folded tissue.

If you think it's possible your therapist will stop seeing you if you don't take medication that could be something to talk to her about. You could get some reassurance that way.

If you're struggling to get out of bed, maybe you can bring things into your bed so you're occupied. You could bring coloring books, fidget toys, novels, magazines, music, your computer, or whatever you'd like to. You can still try to stimulate your brain while you're in bed.

You said some good things are happening and it's positive you're acknowledging those. Maybe when you feel low you can think of them. You said you're afraid people will find out you're cutting and they won't love you. There is nothing you can do to control other people's reactions; I think it would help to focus on the here and now, and positive things you know of in the future (like the idea of living with your sister).

I am not sure how much help this was because I know sometimes words don't do the justice but if you need someone to talk to I am around.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
danh19 Offline
Member
Not a n00b
**
 
danh19's Avatar
 
Name: daniel
Gender: Male
Location: england

Posts: 58
Join Date: March 2nd 2017

Re: i cant do it - March 3rd 2017, 03:27 PM

it sounds like you taking all the logical steps
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2018, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.