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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Glass Slipper Offline
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relapsed... - April 6th 2017, 05:10 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So if you read my last post about how my appointment went yesterday with my new psychiatrist you will know she said some really nast things to me. If not I'll just sum it up in a couple sentences. She told me basically that I was to fat to have an eating disorder, didn't believe that i restrict because when I told her what i had been eating she said then why are you still fat. She said I couldn't be over exercising because I'm fat. She disregarded that i threw away all my tools and looked at me and said I could by more. Told me my scars are ugly. Oh and she also told me I purposely am becoming suicidal, and that i like being suicidal, and made me promise I wouldn't be suicidal anymore and go to the emergency room.

So basically all that has been in my head since 11:30am yesterday. I ended up doing what she said and bought tools, I ended up cutting myself after 2 weeks of cut free. Please don't say congrats on being SH free for two weeks because I wasn't I was CUT free but not Self-harm free. Anyways that was around 6:45 so I just went outside and threw the blades away in the big smelly gross trashcan so I can't use them anymore.

I just feel like shit because I bought more tools and cut. I just feel like shit. I don't plan on telling anyone in my family that I relapsed because they will just be disappointed in me.

We may shine, we may shatter,
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We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.
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Last edited by cynefin; April 6th 2017 at 02:57 PM. Reason: Adding prefix.
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Thinking Offline
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Re: relapsed... - April 6th 2017, 10:50 AM

Hi Essa (Or Frankie!)

>> So if you read my last post about how my appointment went yesterday with my new psychiatrist you will know she said some really nast things to me.

- There are so many "beautiful" people out there. They are so many "good" people. They are normal people or even sucessful people like your phychiatrist, who are "good" to other people. But they are actually UGLY people to say that to you. They are bad people. I really hope you acknowledge that they are horrible people and they are saying something really bad and being cruel to you. I understand that you must have felt very hurt, its okay. We all know you are a kind person, and even if you are physically fat, so does it even matter? What matters is your kind heart! I will say it again, you are not ugly nor fat, in my eyes you have a beautiful heart!

I dont want to offend your psychiatrist, but I think she gave very unprofessional advices and you should try to leave her. None of them should tell you that scars are ugly. That is very rude and demeaning of them to say, and doesn't help in solving the problem. One more thing, i want to put it in capitals, YOU NEVER CHOOSE TO BE SUICIDAL! This is one of the most unthoughtful, mean and horrible thing to say that you purposely want to be suicidal. It was this sentence that made me felt so pissed and extremely angry for the past week. I am still trying to get out of that thought and I am working on it. You too! Its okay if you felt hurt and confused by their words. I will always remind you again, that you never choose to be suicidal. You never chose it. Don't let anyone say otherwise to affect you. I know how much it affect me and brought me into a horrible state, I don't want you to go through the same. Remember that you never want to be this way.

>> So basically all that has been in my head since 11:30am yesterday. I ended up doing what she said and bought tools, I ended up cutting myself after 2 weeks of cut free.

- Its okay. There is no way you can change this now, so I hope you reset the counter, and try again! I will respect you by not saying congrats for the 2 weeks cut free. I understand why you felt this way. So what you can do, is to try again, and take it day by day. We will all witness your self harm free journey, and if you felt like giving up, we will try to cheer you up and make sure you keep going! Its a journey, but with a bright end. You can do this! And when you have a new acheivement in your journey, that will the time you deserve congratulations from us! You deserve positive encouragements, don't forget that!

>> I just feel like shit because I bought more tools and cut

- Please don't blame yourself. I understand how much self blame you might have felt when you relapsed. It feels like you are at fault. I understand. But there is a cycle in this: If you blame yourself more, you hate yourself more and you feel like cutting more. This is not helping! I hope I can say something to break this cycle. First, you feel bad, you actually acknowledged that self harm is bad. This is a BIG step, and I want to praise you for that. Second, you actively tried to stop harming, you are finding alternatives to it, don't think that its all your fault, you are trying to get through it! No one shall say that you didnt tried enough, or worse saying that you choose to self harm. Sorry for bring this topic again, but I will remind you again, that you never choose to be suicidal, nor self harm. I am very certain that if you could choose you would choose to be happy! Lastly, you are a very kind person, but sometimes might not be kind enough to yourself, its okay. We shall always encourage you to love yourself more, because you have no idea what a good person you are!

I know you are having a very hard time. Know that if you ever need someone to listen, you can always count on me! I hope I can be of help!

Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.

Last edited by Thinking; April 6th 2017 at 11:06 AM.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline

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Re: relapsed... - April 6th 2017, 03:03 PM

That psychiatrist you saw is absolutely awful. Some people really should not go into a mental health field and sometimes it is appalling when you meet an example of someone who should change their career. Can you review her, or even report her to someone? That treatment was completely disrespectful and she doesn't deserve a license in my opinion.

I definitely see how she influenced you to buy new tools and self-harm but I am glad you threw those tools out. Remember lapsing doesn't define you, nor does it take away the time you spent cut free. I think what you do after the lapse matters more than the lapse itself; you threw your tools out and that took a lot of strength.

You don't have to tell anyone in your family if you don't want to but I am glad you posted about it here. You went two weeks free before, I know you can do it again.

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