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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
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I just feel like a bad person - May 29th 2017, 06:36 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm holding off on cutting but I did cut several hours ago and I went to sleep but then woke up.

I feel guilty right now. I kept telling my friend I'm here etc and then I get messages from him but I missed the last message by 18 minutes. I replied but hadn't heard back for a few hours. I am worried and I feel like it easy my fault because I was selfish todsy and didn't check on him.

Earlier today my dad was angry. He refuses to go to the doctor. Hadn't gone in like 40 years. And now he says he doesn't want to go till he can sleep well at might. But he said he can't sleep well becsuse the room is messy. And that's my fault. I have a hoarding problem snd sn organization problem. The most I ever get to is organizing my things. I have 100 of pens that don't work. I have 100 of papers. I just don't know where to begin but time is ticking and by the end of this he is going to die from poor health and it will be my fault. I don't want to kill my own father!
I mean I don't want to kill anyone but I don't know how to make it okay.

He said he will get cancer because of me. Because of my things a that take up space and block the air.

I have tons of clothes that over the years people "donated" but really all they did was dump their garbage clothes. I don't have proper clothes. But I have all these baggy t shirts that belong to my dad. All my sisters have proper clothes except for me. I was bullied because of this all throughout school and now that I'm not in school I just don't bother trying to make ends meet. I Just Go Outside with worn out clothes and I feel ashamed but I have no money to buy better. It isn't much different from when I was a kid. Except now there's higher expectation of me to pull myself together becsuse I'm an adult now.

I have no means to care for myself or get out of this situation I'm in. Im tired of bring suggested things becsuse I would've done it by now if I could. I can't move out and thats the fact. I can list all the things I've tried. I'm not lying when I said I've tried.

I keep switching between stressing over my own life and stressing out over my friends' (and family members') but there's one friend right now that I'm worried for. I feel like I need to punish myself but of I do, I can't be there for him to my fullest capacity because it doesnt hrlp if we are both in crisis but it is just so tempting.

I am assuming the worse. I am im imagining him dying or something. I don want to lose him.

I was a bit suicidal today but cut instead but the thoughts are coming back.
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Re: I just feel like a bad person - May 31st 2017, 01:03 PM

It is hard when you need to move out to get away from unhealthy people but you can't move out. In the meantime, making yourself as comfortable as you can in the situation you're living may help.

You're not a bad person and you won't give your dad cancer. If he chooses not to go to the doctor, that is completely on him. That is a choice he has to make for himself; you can't make it for him and what he does or does not do is not your fault. Sometimes it feels easier to say it than it does to believe it but you're not at fault here.

It is okay that you missed the last message by eighteen minutes. Sometimes people get busy, they're in a different room, or they don't realize they've gotten a message until later. Your friend probably understands that.

You wrote this thread a little while ago so I hope you've been able to hang in there. I am here if you need anything.

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Re: I just feel like a bad person - June 14th 2017, 06:59 AM

You're not a bad person and you won't give your dad cancer. If he doesn't want to go to the doctor that choice and its consequences are on him, not you.

It is okay that you missed the last message by eighteen minutes. People get busy, and they can't be on their phones 24/7. I'm sure your friend understands. About the self harm, please try to stop, and PM me to talk. I would really like to help if I can. Hang in there, we care about you. <hug>
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