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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Zemie Offline
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really bad feelings recently - August 16th 2017, 11:17 PM

i haven't self harmed in months but i have the urge to do it again. i have a boyfriend now so i know i won't be able to hide it which is why i've stopped but i feel really like i want to do it now and do it worse. i feel like i never do it deep enough that it matters and maybe if i do something drastic my family will take me to a doctor
recently i've had this really bad feeling where i feel jealous of people who have been prescribed medication because i want my feelings to go away so badly and i feel like it's not fair that i just have to suffer with it because my family never took me to any where because i guess my problems aren't bad enough. they have seen my self harm marks and they just get mad at me and i have had an eating disorder since middle school and they get mad at me for that too and when i have panic attacks they yell at me. my brother is on medications becauce he has mental health problems and i don't get it i guess i am not as bad as him so i don't matter. they all walk on eggshells around him and i don't know i just feel bad at

i know so many people who have been perscribed anti depressants or anti anxiety stuff and literally i don't get it are my problems not bad enough? i feel bad i think about killing myself all the time and i have anxiety to the point where i am 3 years into college and i have never spoken to anyone in my classes and i can't talk to my teachers without feeling like i'm going to die
i don't even fucking care if they work because all my friends just talk about how antidepressants don't work and make you feel spacey but i feel like i don't even have a choice. i feel like i can't talk to them about it because they have ""real depression"" and will just tell me antidepressants fuck you up and obviously i should listen but i just feel it's not fair i don't have this experience

i don't know this is all very self indulgent and whiny i think maybe if i just vent it'll feel better but i dont know i just feel like if i hurt myself badly enough it will mean that my problems are real
   
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Re: really bad feelings recently - August 17th 2017, 10:33 AM

I understand the feeling. I can tell you that the urge will never go away. But, you can do things to ignore it. Also, anti depressants might be a good choice. I would definitely try to get some. It will take a while to see which medicine is the best. I've been on anti-depressants for almost a year and personally, they haven't really done anything for me. Zoloft didn't do anything for me personally. Now I'm on another medicine. It's really just trial and error. But, I hope you are able to get some and I hope you find the ones that work for you. Good luck

LonelyRazor


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Re: really bad feelings recently - August 18th 2017, 11:49 AM

Thanks for venting. Hopefully it helped you feel a little better.

Do you know if there is anything in particular that is making you feel like self-harming, or is it just kind of a random urge? If you are aware of any triggers, perhaps you can try to work on them so you can decrease the urges to self-harm over time.

Anti depressants don't necessarily mess you up. They work for some people, but not for others and they are definitely worth a shot if you'd like to try them. Perhaps your friends are referring to the first week or so of side effects that can make you feel a little spacey. Can you go by yourself to get perspectives medication? Have you ever asked your parents specifically if you can look into medication? Maybe you can ask to see your primary doctor and go back on your own and then ask for antidepressants from there.

While antidepressants can help know that they are a tool and they can help while you're working through other things in your life. They can uplift your mood and your thoughts but they do not get to the roots of what you're experiencing. They can make it easier to work on yourself, though.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: really bad feelings recently - August 22nd 2017, 04:31 PM

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Originally Posted by Cassado View Post


Anti depressants don't necessarily mess you up. They work for some people, but not for others and they are definitely worth a shot if you'd like to try them. Perhaps your friends are referring to the first week or so of side effects that can make you feel a little spacey. Can you go by yourself to get perspectives medication? Have you ever asked your parents specifically if you can look into medication? Maybe you can ask to see your primary doctor and go back on your own and then ask for antidepressants from there.

thank you so much for your reply
i feel like if i were to go by myself to seek any kind of help it would just be stupid and i feel like the only way my problems would be valid is if my family forced me to go. i know this doesn't make very much sense

my family has told me i don't need medication or therapy and they laugh and make it seem like it is stupid and crazy for me to be asking. one time at the doctor i was told i needed to see a therapist because they had made me talk to some kind of social worker (i'm not sure if this is the exact word) but she said it sounded like i had pretty severe anxiety and depression and my family was like "that's stupid you aren't depressed you get good grades" and nothing ever happened

i feel like that's where my urge to self harm is coming from because if i do something bad enough they will take me to a doctor and then i won't have to feel this way anymore. lately everything has been feeling worse. i have less and less interest in talking to my friends or family or doing anything. nothing is enjoyable and i don't care about anything. sometimes people will say things too me and i literally can't answer them because it feels like my brain is frozen

my boyfriend gave me adderall this weekend and that night was like the only time i can remember feeling normal in a long long time. he has medications and like has been to therapy and stuff since high school and because of stuff like this with him and other people i know i feel like my problems must not be that bad or my parents would have done something
i worry also maybe i am just being stupid and i want to be like my boyfriend and his friends because they all can relate to this and talk about it but i'm already out of high school so i can't have this experience anyway. it's too late
   
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Re: really bad feelings recently - August 23rd 2017, 12:54 AM

That makes sense because if your family forced you to see a doctor or a therapist they would acknowledge and validate your feelings. While it would be nice to have your family validate your feelings know that other people will certainly acknowledge you and take you seriously.

Depression definitely doesn't discriminate and it sounds like your family may have believed in the myth that getting good grades (or being positive in other aspects of your life) means that you are not depressed. Many people who do struggle try to take control in other areas of their life, such as their grades.

It doesn't sound like you want to be like your boyfriend but it is understandable for you to feel that way. It can be difficult to come to terms with your feelings and validate yourself when you don't feel validated by others.

Instead of going alone do you think you could go with your boyfriend? He could be a valuable support.


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Re: really bad feelings recently - August 23rd 2017, 03:19 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
That makes sense because if your family forced you to see a doctor or a therapist they would acknowledge and validate your feelings. While it would be nice to have your family validate your feelings know that other people will certainly acknowledge you and take you seriously.

Depression definitely doesn't discriminate and it sounds like your family may have believed in the myth that getting good grades (or being positive in other aspects of your life) means that you are not depressed. Many people who do struggle try to take control in other areas of their life, such as their grades.

It doesn't sound like you want to be like your boyfriend but it is understandable for you to feel that way. It can be difficult to come to terms with your feelings and validate yourself when you don't feel validated by others.

Instead of going alone do you think you could go with your boyfriend? He could be a valuable support.
thank you so much again. I didn't realize how helpful it was to talk to someone about this I feel a lot better now actually

I'm hesitant to talk about it with my boyfriend. I feel like I can't articulate my feelings well and it would just come across as nonsensical. He knows about medications and stuff so I feel like talking to him he would just be like 'oh no you don't want to do that' and it would make me feel bad because it would make me feel like he is telling me i don't deserve experiences he got to have which i know is not really the case but i also feel of course it would be stupid to not listen to him.
Plus he is always telling me he loves how positive and optimistic I am and I dont want to bring him down or make him worry about me

by coincidence my parents actually approached me tonight although it was just to yell at me for being rude to them and having bad grades but the topic of medication/seeking help did come up. My mom was very negative about it and was really, I don't know, hostile? at me on the topic of thinking i needed to be medicated. she was all like "oh ok so you just want to be a zombie and walk around feeling nothing?? are all your friends on drugs so you want to be just like them??" things like that which made me feel awful so idk if any progress was made but i guess at least it came up? my mom is very against medication I don't know why. I didn't tell them the extent of my problems because like I don't want to just talk about how i want to kill myself in front of my mom and dad and little sister but idk i do feel somewhat better now

It's hard too because when I try to tell them about my feelings they say that it's normal to feel that way which makes me doubt myself. or when i say i feel anxious they tell me i dont act like it or no i dont and I have a really bad memory so I can't tell if they're right
   
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Re: really bad feelings recently - August 23rd 2017, 09:46 PM

If you can't articulate your feelings well for your boyfriend, maybe you could write some notes down and have some bullet points on things you'd like to include when you talk to him. If that doesn't work, you could write a letter to him to express your feelings. Writing a letter gives you the opportunity to add, erase, or reword things so you feel like you are sharing in the way that is best for you.

You won't bring your boyfriend down. By communicating with him you are sharing, which is good for your health and while it can be difficult to communicate it can strengthen your relationship. If you need reassurance about bringing your boyfriend down, you can always ask just to make sure that is not the case. There's nothing wrong with needing reassurance every now and then.

Even if your parents were negative about medication it might be good that it was at least discussed. If you talk to your parents again, maybe you can explain that medications are used as a tool and they don't necessarily make people feel like they are zombies. You could do some research and show her reputable sources as well. Sometimes family members react better when they learn things from different sources. Another thing you can do when communicating with her is use I statements. For instance you may say something like, "I feel upset when you get angry about my feelings on medication."

Perhaps what your mom means is that it is normal for someone to have ups and downs throughout their lives. While that is true, it is not normal for those ups and downs to significantly impact your quality of life like what your current experiences are.


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The mountains are calling and I must go.
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Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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