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itzz.casper Offline
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I have no title for this.... - October 15th 2017, 04:38 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey, I really hate talkin bout my depression and my self-harm but I cant really stand it anymore.

So I will cut myself deep enough to where it will last a few weeks then re-do it.
I cut myself on my thighs and it really hurts wearing skinny jeans^^

But I feel like cutting and feeling the sting and seeing the colour, is relaxing. Like when I smoke, I find it calming and rather soothing.

But I have my reason for doing so. But I wont explain them on this thread, maybe on the rant one. Maybe.

But sooner or later im gonna get find out again.

And that is what is gonna make wanna cut more. I have been wanting to put myself back into Saluscare, or go to a therapist.

But not my last one. That homophobic twit >.>

I dont know its like I wanna cry everyday. I wanna crawl in my hole and die. Im tired of having my ¨mental disorder¨ as the twit will say.

Im tired of trying, and living I guess. I want to feel my scars, I want to see the blood,
I just dont want to do anymore......

I'm not looking for sympathy, just understanding- Jacoby Shaddix <3

Last edited by itzz.casper; October 15th 2017 at 02:12 PM.
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del677 Offline
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Re: I have no title for this.... - October 15th 2017, 07:20 AM

Thank you for writing. I love your candor.

Sorry that last therapist wasn't a good match.

I've had numerous different therapists. I usually switch once a year. Twice I had a therapist that just wasn't a good match. One therapist we just never seemed to communicate well. She'd try to teach me something, I'd ask a question, she'd get upset, I'd become confused, not understanding why she was getting upset at me.

The other therapist that didn't work out, I always felt worse after seeing him. He complained I didn't have enough problems for him, that I was wasting his time, when he could be working with someone else who really needed him. (In hindsight, definitely not the best therapist in the world, by a long shot. I hope he became better at being a therapist. He was only good at making me feel bad.)

The other therapists however have been mostly quite good.

A therapist may not be able to help you though if it's a medical problem. Can't talk your way out of a medical problem. Cutting to me signifies such a deep depression it must be a medical problem, that fortunately is likely treatable once it's approached as a medical problem rather than a problem with how one fits in the world. (This is the kind of wisdom that only comes in hindsight, which is why I come here, now that I've been down that path myself.)

Thank you for writing. I hope people will recognize it for what it is, just a symptom of a medical problem that can be treated. It may take numerous trying of many different medications to find the one that works for you. (Unfortunately there currently is no way to figure out which medication is going to work; just have to try them all. It's definitely worth the search because once you find the one that works for you it's like a miracle.)
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Re: I have no title for this.... - October 15th 2017, 02:30 PM

Hey Casper,

You said you don't like talking about your depression and self-harm and that is understandable. However, do you think you could slowly try to talk about it more often? Keeping your feelings inside could be contributing to how you feel overall. If you slowly start to talk about things in time, you could get used to talking about them and it might not seem as daunting as it does now.

Cutting is relaxing because it releases 'feel-good' chemicals in the brain. If you are interested in using an alternative, you can try something that releases those same chemicals such as exercising, listening to your favorite music, or spending more time outside.

It is unfortunate that the last therapist you had wasn't for you. It can be very hard to find a therapist you click with and that is off putting to some people. However, if you'd like to return to therapy know that not all therapists will be the way your last one was.

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