update-eek

[UltraViolet]

i made a thread 8 days ago, basically sayin.....

i cut my arms for ages then i cut on my legs for a while, then back to my arms.
and now there a mess, i hate hot weather, and its killing me now its gettin to summer.
i dont want to stop self harming, which i know soulds ridiculas.
i love seeing the blood, it makes me feel something when i see the blood pouring out of me.
i was thinkin about cutting on my legs again, becasue only my arms are the problem, but i dont know where i can buy bandages from, i never used to bother, i just usedto wait til it stopped, but while i was asleep my wounds would open, and my sheets were all bloody.
so now i need bandages.
but theres also the problem of on my legs and arms, its covered in scars already like no room left, and i dont feel the pain as much on places where iv already cut.
so i need new space, but where? where that its out of the way?
but also iv been SH but punching myself and doin little deep cuts on my hands, like 'accidents' doing college work. ect
i know i should just try and stop, and i havent cut for about 3 days? i dont know how long it is, which i now i should keep track, but i know that i'll cut again anyway, weather it b a day, week or month.

anyways i couldnt stop thinkin about it all.
i needed to cut propperly, not just stupid little ones, i needed it deep and many cuts. to see my blood, to feel all these emotions escape me.
and then it didnt make me feel any better, seeing something on tv about SH, i shouldtn of watched it i guess, but i cant help myself, when im triggered i make it worse, i hate myself, i, well i dunno
i went crazy, cut 5 times on my arms, then thought 'what the hell i cant do this, not on my arms'.
so i looked at me leg, and cut it over and over again, my right leg, about 50 times.
i cant handle all this shit without it.
but then there was the clean up it was terriable, i got no sleep becasue of the thought of my blood going everywhere.
so on tuesday i didnt something i hadnt ever done, i went in the store and brought a roll of gauze stuff, and some tape, so i can cover my leg.
i dont want to though, i dont want to look after myself, but i cant afford anyone to see the blood seeping through my clothes or anything.

theres loads of other stuff i want to write here and vent, but i cant go on and on, im sure ur all bored already!
sorry
xxx

[asyoulikeit]

Hey, Lea. First off, no one is bored with your post so don't even say that. I'm so sorry that you're in such a low mood lately; I don't know how long this has been going on for you, but I'm trying to quit myself and I know how hard it is when 3 days free feels like forever. Maybe keeping track isn't the best thing for you; unless you specifically wanna know so you can congratulate yourself; it's kinda like watching the clock in math class for some. Makes the time seem slower.

It's really important that you take care of yourself during this. Quitting is incredibly difficult and practically impossible cold turkey, so be patient with yourself but don't give up on wanting to quit. Some part of you does, btw, or else you wouldn't have posted. Try to stay away from triggering material, because even though it's nice to know you're not alone, watching stuff about SH can easily make the wrong effect.

Also try identifying your triggers and what exactly you think you get by cutting. I know the alternatives list isn't helpful to some people, but specifically writing down what you're trying to battle can help you think of more personal solutions. People you need to talk to (or stay away from), things to do to relax you, or even distract you so you can think before you cut. Hopefully this can lead to you talking yourself out of it.

Whether you like it or not, bandaging/neosporin/etc. is REALLY necessary. Especially if the skin you're breaking is covered up by clothes all day. You arms can get some air if you wear short sleeves, but your legs might not be as lucky. So keep a close eye on your cuts and try to take care of them even when you're feeling low. Your skin is worth taking care of, and if you don't think so, consider how a hospital visit cause of an infection will screw you over.

I hope this helps...I could go on for a while about this...please PM me if you ever want to talk, about anything.

[.:BreakingBeautifully:.]

I agree, no one is in the least bit bored, if we didn't want to read it we wouldn't have clicked the little button. I am also so very sorry you are strugging so badly right now. Please believe you are not alone and you will be okay.

Anyway, someone suggested figuring out what triggers your cutting and I agree with that. Do you know why you have been feeling the need to cut lately? Anger, Sadness, hurt? If you can identify those feelings that you will better be able to deal with them head on. If you know you are angry; shout it to the world. Put a voice to your anger, confront it because that is truly the only way you are going to overcome this. Because, if you can recognize what triggers you and then learn to deal with it in a positive way(I.E. writing about it or talking about it) you won't, hopefully, need cutting as much.

Finding coping skills that work for you would be a great idea. I know that sometimes coping skills don't work but, the key(at least for me) is finding one that helps a little and than use it all the time. As time progresses this coping skill or skills starts working more and more. If you think about it it is kind of like cutting; when you first started out you probably were not cutting as badly as you are now but through 'time', 'patience' and 'nurturing' it started working even better and you started using it even more. And, that can happen with another, more positive, coping skill if you find the right one and 'nurture' it.

I am also glad you have started using bandages because the truth of the matter is you really need to keep the cuts covered. Uncovered cuts could lead to infection and that is bad. Infection will lead to you having to go to a doctor which you might not be ready to do.

But, you might want to consider asking for help from professionals. Although that might be scary it can really help. Believe me, having someone to talk to who is well informed and trustworthy is really helpful.

The last thing I want to say is do not lose hope in yourself or future. Hope is one of the things that will help you get better and help you take the necessary steps; so please keep on hoping. I know that right now you may be struggling but please believe me when I say that things can get better. Of course you will go through tough times all throughout your life but they don't have to be all consuming and eventually they will get better and good times will come.

If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to pm or aim me.