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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Kotomi Offline
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No. I relasped. - August 5th 2009, 10:49 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I know that I think self-harm and suicidal thoughts way more frequently when it's nighttime. I know that I am capable in controlling my actions when I want to hurt myself.

...but I did it anyway. I went outside not too long ago and smoked a few left-over cigarettes from my mom's bucket, went to the bathroom and burned myself with a cigarette and a lighter. The lighter didn't do anything...but the cigarette did.

This is my first time burning, so I didn't really know what to expect. The skin has peeled from where I burnt myself and I picked at the "dead" skin and ate it. It's kind of similar to my older rituals where I would cut things out and eat it as well.

I feel so stupid and pathetic. I really don't want to consider this as a relapse because I don't really feel so attached to the burn like I would with my cuts with a knife. I really don't know what was going through my mind. My medication hasn't been on track lately, so that must be a big contributor, 'cause I was doing really well when I was on it regularly.

I don't know why I did it, to be honest...maybe to feel something for once.


   
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Re: No. I relasped. - August 5th 2009, 11:36 AM

Hi

You know what? Its ok that you self harmed; you are not pathetic or stupid or anything like that. So many people do the exact same thing as you to cope with how they feel. The good thing is though you said you know you are capable of controlling your actions when you want to hurt yourself. That is so right, you can do this and you have managed it before! If you don't want to consider it a relapse then thats fine; you can just think about all the times you went without self harming and what a huge achievement that was.

If your medication isn't working probably then you should really go back to whoever prescribed it to you. If it was helping you then its worth it, right? You deserve to feel better Are you getting any other support apart from the medication? Sometimes people find it helpful to have somebody to talk to whether thats a teacher, a family member, a friend or a councellor. If you aren't getting other support maybe that is something to consider; there are so many people out there that could help!

In the future if you want to self harm for the feeling then there are some other ways of managing it more safely. Some people find things like biting into a lemon or a chilli can help them. Other people like to squeeze ice really hard. If you try lots of different things then you will probably find something that works for you. I'm going to link you to our alternatives thread which has tons of great things to do instead of self harm. It has things to do when you're angry or upset or numb etc. [click here].

I hope you feel better soon, take care of yourself!
Jen


PM // VM
   
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Re: No. I relasped. - August 11th 2009, 09:21 AM

Like Jenn said, it's good you recognize you can control yourself, because people do have control over their actions. Relapses happen and the more you worry about them, the worse you feel, and the more you want to hurt yourself again. They happen to everyone and you should try to just move on and start fresh. Make sure you get back with the medication, it's great that it was helping so much. Friends and family can play a huge part, if you don't have any sort of support then you should try to get some. If you ever think to yourself that you're a hazard for yourself you should try to get some professional help if you're not already. Good luck and PM me if you ever need anything.


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Dream of me, run out free, capture your words and never let them go."

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Re: No. I relasped. - August 11th 2009, 04:49 PM

Hey Kotomi,

I think that many people do feel more depressed during the night because of factors like less light or less activity in the house.

It's good that you do realize that you are capable of controlling your actions. Think of finding other coping mechanisms for yourself instead of cigarettes or burning. The alternative threads that Jen placed a link to has many good coping mechanisms listed.

I would definitely suggest that you do talk to the doctor or whomever prescribed your medication to you. Perhaps they can taper the dosage or recommend something in your daily habits that can help with the effectiveness of the medication. It's really good though that you realize that the medication does have a positive effect on you. Getting that figured out will definitely help you with getting back on track. It's okay to slip up when trying to recover.

Also, I would suggest having people to talk to when you do feel in a depressed mood or when you do need to get things out of your mind. I definitely think that a counselor can be of great help for this, or perhaps friends and family members.

Good luck and take care of yourself. :]
   
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Re: No. I relasped. - August 11th 2009, 06:05 PM

Hey Kotomi,

It's okay that you repalsed. Replases do happen in recovery. Every time we relapse, we learn more about what triggers us. By thinking about how the relapse could have been prevented, we learn new things to try on our path to recovery. If you don't want to count this as a relapse, you don't have to. You can't go back and change what happened in the past, that's true. But, you can, however, try to learn from it and do things differently next time. You're one in control here and you can get through this.

I agree that you should try and talk to whoever prescribed your medication. It's important to try and get back on track with the medication, especially if it was helping you. Do you talk to a professional along with taking your medication? I think it's helpful having support in recovery. It gives us that push to keep going and shoulder to lean on when times get hard. You're worthy of help and support, remember that. Things can always get better.

You might want to check out the alternatives thread that Jen linked you to. It's full of different alternatives organized into different categories. Lets say one day you might feel sad, there's some alternatives listed that hope to try and lift your mood. Check it out if you have the chance. Not all will work for you, but there will be some that do.

If you need anything, I'm just a VM/PM away. Take care of yourself.
   
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