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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
WhySoSerious? Offline
Mute Poet
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Name: Vicki
Gender: Female
Location: Saskatoon

Posts: 477
Join Date: January 7th 2009

No no NO! - February 2nd 2009, 10:16 PM

No no no!! This can't be happening AGAIN! I was good for 3 months, had one slip up, no big deal... and now.. UGH! I brought home a razor from school today... it wasn't even intentional, we were using them for crafting in photo and I just set it in my pocket when I was done, the same way you put a pen back in your pocket if you start using a pencil or something...

I hadn't even really thought about it, until lunch where I went to pull my iPod out of my pocket and sliced the knuckle of my finger open deep, and it kind of gave me the initial urge... >_< and then I got home and I had a huge falling out with my mother, again, and I just couldn't stop myself it was so bad, I'm gonig to fall back into the habit now... I was doing so good before, I don't want to do this! Because of the guilt and the scars and having to hide it and the pain it causes the people I love... why can't I stop for good, why does it always come to this... I hate myself, I'm sick of feeling like this!! I'm sick of needing to cut to make myself a functional person like everyone else!

~Where death is I am not, where I am death is not, so we never meet~

I'd rather die terrified

than live forever.
We will all die so gloriously, that having ever lived will seem like folly.

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
Beauty and Bedlam
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Eli
Age: 30
Gender: Non-binary

Posts: 5,909
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Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: No no NO! - February 2nd 2009, 11:08 PM

Feeling sick of it all is often the best place to be; it means you know that the pain it causes in multiple areas of life is not worth it.

First of all, please don't rage against yourself for slipping up after three months. No one is perfect, and self harm is a powerful habit. It can be expected that there will be mistakes, slip-ups, and the like. The important thing is that you are trying your very best. That is all anyone can ever do. You are never a failure or a screw-up if you are trying. And it seems you are still making progress, because you recognize it's not worth falling into again. It's just easy to do because it's a habit; it's comfortable. That's what's hardest to break, not the activity of SH itself. So allow yourself some growing room, room for mistakes, and most importantly room to be kind to yourself. You need compassion for yourself during this time.

Remember that every day is a new day, and that as long as you are trying you are still making progress. That counts for a lot. In order to help you along, is there anything you have done to replace the importance of SH in helping you function? If you take away SH without substituting anything else, you are leaving a very large hole in your life, and you won't be able to stay stable for very long. Is there anything you can turn to in order to help you stabilize yourself? A hobby, a person? Those are often good places to start. The whole process if being able to substitute the relationship with something harmful for one with something good and positive.

You did not mess up, Vicki. You are still doing great. What you want to be able to do- function without the aid of SH- is perfectly within your reach. All you have to do is continue believing that you can do it, and that you can take it one step at a time.

PM me if you ever need to talk to someone. I am always willing to listen.


The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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