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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
fall to romance Offline
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Name: Brittany
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What on earth am I doing?? - March 29th 2010, 05:14 AM

I don't know what's going on with me recently. I'm happy; I'm better. I'm depressed; I feel numb.

It's been a while since I first cut. I was doing perfectly fine. But then today I had the knife in my hand again. I cut over my scars. I made a new scar. A few short pulls of the blade and I was done. It was like filing my nails....so simple I didn't even think about it. Then I felt the sting. It lasted only about a minute before my numbness took over again.

But I really have no need to feel this way or to SH. I have good friends. Despite some bad news over the past few weeks, life's actually pretty good. I'm staying on top of my homework, I'm working a little more than usual, I'm drawing again...I'm even going to a concert with my best friend on Wednesday. I was told today by a friend I met on here that I'm beautiful and that he'd have the biggest crush ever on me. I've never been told such a thing before. I've only ever been told I'm fat, ugly, a "nice girl"....the best I've ever been called was cute in a friendly way.

So if life is going relatively well for me, why on earth do I feel so numb? And when I don't feel numb, why do I feel so much pain that I become incapable of anything? Why do I do this to myself?


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Kitty. Offline
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Jeez, get a life!
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Re: What on earth am I doing?? - March 30th 2010, 04:47 AM

Hey girl! I'm sorry to hear that you started cutting again. But i know you can conquer it once again. As for the numb feeling, I got that when i wasn't expressing my feelings in a healthy way. Try writing a poem or going on a run Both of those stimulate emotions. If those don't work, definitely go see a doctor for further advice.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
fall to romance Offline
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Name: Brittany
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Re: What on earth am I doing?? - March 30th 2010, 08:34 AM

I've been getting back into drawing, but it only helps when I'm drawing. Unfortunately I don't have the ability to be working on a drawing 24/7. I just don't know what else I can do. Everything that helped before isn't working anymore.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Nina Twin Offline
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Re: What on earth am I doing?? - April 8th 2010, 06:15 AM

Oh, Brittany! I wish you had texted me or messaged me or something. I'm so sorry. -hug- Self-injuring doesn't seem to be helping this numbness. I mean, it makes you feel something, but what you're feeling is pain and you're sinking farther down. You deserve to be happy, and I think that you genuinely want to be happy, too. I think the trouble is that you don't really believe all of these nice things about you.
You ARE beautiful, though. You ARE special, talented, uncommonly kind, intelligent. Everything amazing, you ARE. And there is no girl out there quite as special and hard to find as you are. Don't you EVER forget that.

Call me any time, day or night, when you want to self-harm. I'm so freaking serious. It doesn't even matter when - I will answer my cell and talk to you as long as you need to. <3


"Life should not be measured by how far we can fall, but how high we can climb."



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