Triggering: I don't want to go back...

[Kaitlin]

Back when I was 10 I was bullied nonstop at me elementary school (seriously, I was that one infamous kid where everyone just hated me. I was considered a disease) I ended up having to switch schools when I was 12 because I was so messed up and was considering suicide after everything that happened with those people.

So I went to a private school, and I guess things were better there, but I still was bullied, it was just more online harrassment and by the time it stopped in 10th grade it was already too late for me to be comfortable plus all this drama went down there to the point I had two people there who used to be 2 of my bestfriends that I couldn't face and all of it had ended up pushing me to cutting and bulimia, so I ran away again and I'm homeschooled now.

I guess technically I'm doing better, but I'm still cutting and feeling like crap, it feels more like everythings on hold, I'm not getting better and I'm not getting worse. But now we don't have the money for me to be homeschooled next year, and even though I'd probably handle going back to the private school we don't have money for that either.

Which means I'd have to go to the public highschool, with all the people from elementary. I know it's pathetic but I still have nightmares about that place. I freak out when I think about having to go there and see those people again. I'm so scared cause I know that I'm going to start cutting worse again if I go there. I don't know what to do though. It's only one year but... I don't think I'll be able to handle it any other way. Just thinking about it makes me want to cut.

[Star Crow]

You just need to find someone you can trust there. The kids in your old school have grown up since elementary school and are completely different people. I bet they feel bad about what they did to you and at least a few of them would be willing to be your friend. I know that kind of thing is hard or immpossible to let go, but there is always someone who will be friendly to you and be your friend. And it seems like its going to take a while for you to trust people again but once you trust someone who's reliable it will be the best decision you've ever made.

[c1624]

Wow, you've had a tough life. Really sorry.

Cutting is a crappy thing to do. It makes things worse, as an old cutter, I've had experince there. But you've got to let the past go, you know? Move foward and don't let it bother you too much. It's in the past, and you can't let it bother you or scare you anymore. It might cause you to pass up an amazing opputunity in the future, which you'd later forget.

Stay strong, and know that people care.
If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me,
-Caylee

[Total Light Storm]

Hey,

I agree with the previous posters, you have to let go of the past and what they did to you, that will be extremely hard, because you have those memories and everything, but I think you can do it if you keep letting yourself know that they've most likely changed sense elementary and that you will get friends.
I completely agree about the cutting, as a cutter, I haven't done it in a couple of weeks, I can relate to you wiht that, it's hard to quite, but honestly, all it's done for me is make me feel horrible about myself and ashamed, it's not worth it. It's a struggle to get over the past and cutting, but I know you can do it because you seem like a really strong person for getting as far as you have with all of the bullying you've been through.
If you are too afraid and worried about what will happen at the high school, what about going to a different high school? Does your area have other high schools that you could go to? I think you should try looking at other publich schools in your area for help, if you don't feel you can handle the pressure of the people that hurt you when you were younger.
I hope I have been of some help to you,
Good luck with this.

[Angeal]

I was bit in preschool, bullied all through elementry school, it stopped in seventh grade, and then continued in eighth and ninth, and tenth it kinda took a break except for in one of my classes. I would say that cutting and any other form of self harm is ridiculous(I know spelt wrong). I know how hard life can be, but to me that's the point in arts, here's something that used to help me through the tough days and still does, buy a journal, and on the front write REFLECTION JOURNAL. This is to reflect on what happened and what you learned, you can start taking the bad experiences, and crap that life hands you and write them down, and also if you ever really want to talk you can email me at
rgpsalm@gmail.com
trust me, I've had a very hard life, and have considered self harm. My self harm wasn't cutting, it was first digging my nails into my skin to see if I could leave marks, and then bitting myself to see how deep the marks I left were. I'm way over that now, actually I did it when I was kinda young and a little too much into myself. But seriously, I will be there, you can really email me anytime you think you need that extra push forward

Remember two things
1: Hold your head up high, self confidence shines through even among haters.
2From the movie fighting temptations)Think of life as sand paper: When life gives you mean and hateful people think of them as sandpaper, they may (tease you)and rub you the wrong way, but in the end you'll be smooth and polished while that sandpaper will be rough and ugly
(not the exact quote, but summarized the best I could)
I know what it's like to be in your shoes, I live in them every day)except for in the summer.
Love Always,
Angeal

[falling_x]

Hey Kaitlin.

Sorry to hear about your problems with school. School really sucks - I hated it! But can I ask you something? Is it really worth hurting yourself more than these people are?

I've been harming for years now, but just having that insight really helps with my recovery.

As for the people at school. Hold your head up. They have done what they've done, not a lot can be done about it. Make friends by joining a club or something, and try not to be by yourself. Confidence really helps too. Even if you don't feel it, act it! The more you act it, the more confident you'll begin to feel.

Take care
falling_x

PS - if you ever want to talk about bullying or anything in general, give me a PM.