My history with self harming.

[Klutz]

I have always had a problem with self harming, ever since I was 8 I was picking at myself. Back than it was more a 'it looks better without the scar' and yet now I do it from habit and at times because it hurts, a lot. Last year I started cutting myself, I don't even know what triggered it but it started. That was in May, and I ended up stopping by August. I didn't know what changed but from August-November I didn't cut at all. But once November came I decided to start popping pills and smoking. I'd take 18 or more at a time, the pain I felt 30 minutes after taking them was unbelievable. I didn't expect it to hurt, and sometimes it didn't, but within an hour I'd black out and wake up eventually. There were some days when I'd do it 3 nights in a row, I wasn't trying to kill myself but I felt like I had nothing more to turn to. I decided to stop that after I kept feeling sick just from the thought of pills. As for the smoking I rarely ever did it, and that's how it still is. Maybe once or twice a month. But after I stopped popping pills I was fine for a few months, then my friend Mae told me that she started heating up knives with a lighter and pressed them to her skin. I thought at first it was a stupid idea, but within a month I was doing the exact same thing. I'd only do it once or twice a month, but it'd be multiple times. The last time it happened I did it 11 times, I now have my name scarred on my thigh as well as a bunch of scars in random places all over my body. When the burns I got were healing I'd always tear off the scab, it hurt worse than anything else yet I kept doing it. I was addicted to the feeling I got.
I haven't done anything in about a month now, however I'm terrified of just overreacting one day and doing it. Lately I've felt like crying over every little thing, and I usually would do it while I'm pmsing, which starts at the end of the month. I don't enjoy what I'm doing yet I can't ever turn to anything else, when I'm in one of those moods I just can't control myself. I talk to myself when in those moods, and all I say is 'I don't want to be here' or 'You're stupid, you don't deserve anything'. In general I feel so happy, but just those days, at the end of every month it happens. I've promised people I would stop and have hurt so many people by not keeping the promises. I used to see a therapist, and will be starting again soon. I also am supposed to see a psychiatrist as well. But even after seeing my old therapist things just seemed to get worse, so now this is where I am. It seems like such a continuous cycle for me. Something I can't change because I never realize what I'm doing till it's too late.

[katara317]

HAI!!!!
first off welcome to teenhelp!!!!
I hope i may be of service.

Ive found that journaling has actually saved my life. I understand my emocions more clearly and my mind is calmer. maybe thatll help?

PMS is the worst thing!!!! maybe talk to you doctor about some pms meds or birth control.

Your therapist can help you soooo much!!! please utilise him/her

If you want to stop, Get rid of all your tools! pills, lighters, razors (shaving included) everything! the stigma needs to go!

Open up to someone that you need help. someone u see often in your day so they can help you!

Come here!!!!! everyone can relate and can support you!

Hope this helps and feel free to PM me anytime!