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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BasicFacts Offline
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So. I failed. Again. - January 13th 2011, 03:13 AM

I've been trying really hard NOT to cut. Ever since I've been on the site, I've been trying the alternatives, but... sometimes nothing else will fucking work.

Toward the end of December I started it again because my boyfriend told me that he was going to tell my parents about all of my issues (actually, we just told her about the depression, but at the time I thought he'd speak of everything else), but I stopped on the 22nd because I realized that perhaps having someone else isn't such a bad idea. Plus the fact that I couldn't fucking do anything about it.

So last night I had been clean for... I dunno, like two and a half weeks. It's always hell trying not to cut, and I was fucking proud of myself for not doing it, even if it WAS only two and a half weeks.

Well, last night I cut again. It was because of a stupid fucking argument I had with my boyfriend about anorexia/self-image. He thinks my self-image and views on beauty are "unhealthy" and that I need to work on "fixing" both of them. I told him that my self-image is fine because ugly people should feel... ugly. And since beauty is subjective, everyone's opinion of beauty is okay. Our arguments usually go just like that. The only difference is that last night he just randomly left after saying he didn't want to argue tonight. I totally understand why he would do that (I was, after all, being an annoying bitch), but... I just felt like shit after he did. I didn't know what else to do. I tried substitutes, distractions... I just couldn't get anything else to work.


I don't know what to do.

Sorry for ranting.



   
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Re: So. I failed. Again. - January 14th 2011, 04:50 AM

I think your bf meant well from what he was saying. I think he really cares about you and loves you. He wants to see you happy and healthy. Please do not think badly about yourself or cut. You are just fine exactly the way you are. Nobody is ugly. We are all BEAUTIFUL inside and out. We don't need anyone to tell us that. It is hard to stop cutting so do not be mad at yourself for slipping up. That is natural during recovery. You are trying to stop and that is SO good. Its better than not trying at all. You are doing good, it is just difficult. I do think you should tell someone about whats been going on, other than your bf. I think you would recieve more help and support if you did. No one should have to go through this stuff alone. It is hard enough. I hope things do get better for you and if you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. Keep your head up every second of the day and stay strong!


   
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Re: So. I failed. Again. - January 15th 2011, 01:24 AM

Yeah, I know he cares and whatnot. That's why I ultimately decided not to be too angry at him.

I used to buy into the "everyone is beautiful" theory, but I decided it was bullshit a long time ago. Some people really are just unattractive, inside and/or outside. And I know that I shouldn't be so vain as to be willing to put my life at risk for beauty, but... I am.

I know I shouldn't be so angry at myself for slipping, and I'm trying not to be. It's just that I have been trying to stop cutting since May, and I've already relapsed quite a few times. I suppose it's just frustrating.

He and I told my mother that "I've been depressed lately," and asked if I could go to therapy again (I was forced to go four years ago, but I lied my way out of it after a few sessions). She said I could, and I have an appointment on Monday. So... yeah, I am getting help, even if I don't want it sometimes, haha.

Thanks for the advice.



   
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Re: So. I failed. Again. - January 15th 2011, 02:00 AM

Glad to know you are going to therapy on Monday. It WILL help! Never risk your life for beauty. It is silly. The real thing that matters is the kind of person you are. Its important to be a good friend, a good person who is kindhearted and puts others before yourself. When you leave this world MANY, MANY, MANY years from now, people won't remember you for your looks. They will remember you for who you were. I would personally rather know that I was loved by so many than know that I was a pretty face. Beauty is nothing compaired to the love you recieve from others. But that is what I believe. I am glad things are starting to look up for you little by little. Keep us posted=)


   
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Re: So. I failed. Again. - January 15th 2011, 02:12 AM

i'm so glad you were able to go over 2 weeks! that's amazing!

just because you slipped up doesn't mean you don't have a chance at recovery. from my own experiences, it takes a lot of time. i've been in the hospital, therapy, on meds, etc... still not through with cutting though. i'm working on it
something that has helped me, is, going to my church for help. i talked to my youth pastor about self injury, and he found somebody from the church to talk to and enourage me. it's not as intensive as the other things i've had, and it's not like anybody is 'forcing' me to quit. nobody (from the church) gets very upset when they hear that i've cut again. i am just encouraged to not do it again, and keep up with the Word.

anyway- i really hope you're ok! if you want to talk, you can always send a pm

*hugs and love*


"If I held my ground
Would you ask me to change?
This drought bleeds on
Now we're dancing for rain
We drink the air
But it's still not the same
These worlds collide
Yet the distance remains
We point the finger
Never accept the blame"
   
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Re: So. I failed. Again. - January 16th 2011, 03:03 AM

@minniemouseprincess: I hope it helps. Thanks for the advice, and I will keep you posted.

@dancing_for_rain: Thanks. Yeah, I'm hoping that talking to someone will help me feel less isolated and give me more reasons to quit.



   
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