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Katley Offline
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no idea what to call this..... - February 22nd 2011, 02:21 AM

Hey, I dont know if this is even worth making a thread about, but i really need something to "talk to" and like... i dont want to write to a wall. Cause that just doesnt work for me, and i at least think a real person will read this.

So anyway... Sometimes i just get really angry at myself... because as much as i hate SH and as much as i wish i were happy, i seem to always try to be depressed. The reason for this is most likely because I feel a small urge to SH, but it isnt enough... and i want it to be enough. So i try and get that urge so that i cant control myself anymore. i know that sounds sick and that i should be happy i dont feel a strong urge, but the fact is is that i do feel an urge, and that small thing makes me want to do anything to be able to hurt myself

Okay so i know this is probably confusing... but overall im just majorly sad right now... because i tried to get myself more depressed. Of course i dont think of it like that really, (I just think... hey.. thats interesting lets listen to this triggering song.... or this triggering video... Cause that small urge wants me to be triggered) And then i find myself feeling more depressed, and yet still not triggered enough to relief myself with SH

I dont need alternatives, at least at the moment. im not at that step... I guess im just wondering if anyone else feels this way, and if anyone has any feedback or something... Idk... Like i said i just sorta wanted to get this out and i didnt have anyone to talk to (well i do, but they either wouldnt want to hear it, or would be so horrified.... yeah...)

thanks


Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is SCARS
They don't see the ANGEL
Living in your heart
   
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Re: no idea what to call this..... - February 22nd 2011, 03:13 AM

" (I just think... hey.. thats interesting lets listen to this triggering song.... or this triggering video... Cause that small urge wants me to be triggered)"

i do this sometimes, i sort of want myself to be triggered so that i will cut. or i want myself to feel depressed because i think that i desreve to feel that way. its hard to explain.


We do not fear death, we fear that no one will notice our absence. That we will disappear without a trace.
   
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Re: no idea what to call this..... - February 22nd 2011, 03:14 AM

I've felt like that before, and I think the underlying reason is because you are depressed/sad and you just don't realize it. So by triggering yourself to realize that sadness/depression inside you feel like you can justify SH to yourself. At least that's what it was for me.
That make sense?

PM me anytime.
   
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Katley Offline
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February 22nd 2011, 03:26 AM

Actually yeah... it really did. It makes sense

And im very glad im not the only one


Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is SCARS
They don't see the ANGEL
Living in your heart

Last edited by Fading Light.; February 22nd 2011 at 07:51 AM.
   
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Re: no idea what to call this..... - February 22nd 2011, 03:29 AM

I do that.. and even after I've been clean for months, I still do it. But I'm a bit weird. I do it to test myself and make myself stronger. =/ So, I don't know if it's much help.

It's more or less a way to let yourself know that what you're feeling is in fact real. So, perhaps you know in your head that you feel depressed or anxious, but something inside of you doesn't want to believe it. By listening or watching those triggering things, it shows us that what we thought was perhaps a small urge or a confused feeling was really more than that. That's how I see it..


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Katley Offline
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Re: no idea what to call this..... - February 22nd 2011, 03:32 AM

Yeah, ik what you mean. See my thing is that i dont really believe i have depression, even though everything points to it. And when i do this to get an urge to cut... I feel like im faking everything and that I seriously should just stop cause im wasting everyones time, as there are people who have REAL problems and need help out there...

...and yet there i am cutting... Ugh.


Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is SCARS
They don't see the ANGEL
Living in your heart
   
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