I just really need some help right now... -
May 21st 2011, 01:53 AM
I started cutting myself about a month ago and it has gotten bed. I wake up and can't get up because I lost so much blood. I feel like I've sank so low I have to ask for help... my boyfriend dumped me for some other girl a week ago, he didn't even notice my arms being all cut up. My parents just don't care. And my friends have no idea. I cry constantly. I was really attached to my x and he just dumped me out of the blue, it feels like my hearts been pulled out of my chest and ripped apart. It hurts so badly but I can't stop its become a nightly habit, whenever I see or think about my x or my life I can't help but to pick up the blade. It just hurts so much emotionally the physical pain will never be able to reach that level. I've turned into some kind of devil child. I now have compulsive stealing, I see something I want and I take it, I haven't been caught yet but I've been doing that for about 3 years. My parents haven't let me out of the house to hang out with people in over 6 months... I feel so alone and I don't want to tell anyone I know because I feel so ashamed of it. I can deal with the mental stuff but I really need help with the physical thing, I've had thoughts of suicide and I really think one of these days I might do it. In school I'm the girl everyone steps on because she's really smart and has giant breasts but won't stick up for herself if she was about to get shot.... right now I'm balling, I can't help it anymore, I've cried every night since my bf dumped me. He was the only one I could trust, I tried asking him for advice, he called me a freak and to never speak to him again or he'd get a restraining order, I didn't do anything I just reached out for help I'd never get. Please, please, please help me before I do something I'm going to regret. I feel like such a failure.
Re: I just really need some help right now... -
May 21st 2011, 04:38 AM
That sounds so hard, I don't think you shouldn't ever feel like you are asking for help because you sank so low. But you are going through so much right now though. Your boyfriend sounds like, well, not worth it, he should be ashamed of himself, for not noticing the struggle your going through. That is supposed to be his job and he just left you like that; please don't sink to his level, you are definitely so much better than him, just for realizing that he abandoned you means that you are aware of the situation, so at least you know what your facing and from there you can come up with ways to solve this.
I know exactly what you mean when you say that your friends don't notice, mine don't either mostly because I don't tell them about anything I'm going through and if they do ask I just make stuff up. But if you can, find someone who you really have a lot of faith in, who you trust the most, your closest or one of your closest friends, and ask if you can confide in them if that's possible. If not then I'm sure anyone else on this website would hear anything you want to talk about, including myself if you want to talk. I'm brand new here so, but I will talk to you if you ever need it.
I don't have a great relationship with my parents so I also understand what you mean. Since you can't talk to them you have to find someone, anyone, that you can talk to. Don't make the same mistake I did and try to hold everything you feel like in; especially if things are as bad as you say they are, you need to talk to someone.
Don't ever think of yourself as some devil child- you are not, at all, something people should look down on, you are not something evil or anything bad or anything like that. Stealing is wrong but you need to try to control that impulse to take what you want when you want it somehow, while realizing that other parts of your life you feel are out of your control are more in your grasp than you thought. Like, for example, you have the ability to stop hurting yourself- even though your trying to match the physical pain with the emotional pain of your loss of your bf and other struggles, you have the personal power, and only you, to stop taking it out on yourself. You don't at all deserve any kind of abuse from this, other areas/ people in your life are at fault, not you, never you. Your bf is hugely at fault. You have to learn to let him go; if he can do that and not hold any remorse despite the amazing love that you seem to have felt for him- if he can sever that, threaten you (are you kidding me?) and then walk away, he is, well there aren't words that can justify that.
And above all, don't ever think of yourself as a failure. From what you said above, you said that everyone steps on you because of how smart you are and how amazing you look, you obviously have everything that people want for themselves- they wish they had what you are. Don't ever put yourself down, I think you sound so much more worth it than that. If you can face what you have for as long as you have, you must be such a strong person. You are starting to head for a fall because no one can do this forever- to go for as long as you have like this is commendable- you need to talk to someone before this gets beyond you. But you do have that power to be able to get this under control. You sound like an amzing person and anyone, anyone, who is lucky enough to call you their child, gf, friend, anything, is blessed to have you in their lives and they should express that to you. I really hope that this sort of helps and if you ever need anythign please let me know.