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Socaoa Offline
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Losing It - June 12th 2011, 03:31 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been a self-harmer for roughly three years, and it's been getting progressively worse. As I type this now I have ten stitches in my left arm, and my right hand is possibly broken- we don't know until I can get it x-ray'd.

If it's not broken, I'll be disappointed. And I am aware how messed up that is. Even now I am thinking of going downstairs and grabbing a 3-kilogram handweight and beating my hand with it until I hear a crack.

And I don't understand why. I stopped self harming for the majority of 2010. I didn't do it for almost a year. I was so happy, so proud of myself. And then I did it again, for no reason other than I didn't feel like 'me' without cutting. I was scared. It's like a part of my identity and like a security blanket all wrapped up in one. I only did it a little. Scratches on my upper thigh. I ended up hospitalized because I am a chronic self-harmer and have a history of suicidal ideation and they deemed it precautionary to admit me to the psyche ward to 'observe' me, and in hospital I began to think of self harm more and more- I'd been in hospital before twice in 2009, both for self mutilation, and being back in hospital brought back memories of how much self harm meant to me back them, how much of an integral part of who I was it used to be. And before I knew it I was clawing a hole in the back of my hand with my fingernails alone, and stealing plastic spoons from breakfast so I could break them in half and use the sharp edge to cut. It wasn't very effective, but it made me bleed.

Once I got out, I kept thinking about cutting. So much. I wanted to do it again. It truly is an addiction- I see that now. And hospital triggered me so very badly. And then after about two weeks I had a huge fight with my mother- she thought I had been cutting again, when I hadn't been, and I got so angry because I'd been working so very hard not to give into the urge. And then she left, saying she was calling the hospital again. I believe my thought process was something along the lines of "well if I'm going to hospital anyway what's the point of resisting" and attempted to find a razor. Unable to find one, I smashed a cup, and used one of the pieces of glass to cut my arm. Two of the cuts were very close to my elbow and moderately deep- wide open due to the way the skin stretches in that area. My mother came back; I had locked her out of the house, so she smashed a window to get in, and found me sitting in a pool of blood and glass on the kitchen floor, sobbing. Apparently she'd been calling the hospital for advice, not to call an ambulance, but apparently I needed one now. So I spent four hours in the ER getting my arm stitched, and then I was sent home again because I am getting counselling as per the hospital's suggestion when they discharged me earlier in the month, and taking the new antidepressants they put me on while I was in the psyche ward. I was okay for a few days. Went to another counselling session.

Then another fight arose, stemming from me opening a new box of cereal, of all things. My mother got ridiculously upset over that, and then started to rant and rave about my self harm, again-- I am well aware how selfish it is of me to continue doing it even though it hurts the people around me, but I honestly ... feel as though I cannot function without it, and I'm not so sure I want to stop. If it didn't affect anyone but myself, I wouldn't stop, however, it affects everyone around me, so... Anyway, hearing about all of that just got me into a thought loop of how horrible and despicable I am, and then my mother began her customary leaving/coming back to rant some more/leav ing/coming back again, which I find to be the most stressful way of arguing on the planet- and... I guess I snapped. I started to scream, and punch holes in the walls, kick holes in the walls, scream and yell at her to "Stop it!", calling her stupid, I headbutted a hole in the wall, darn it. I punched the wall again- and hit a stud beam, which is what we think caused the potential break. I started just beating myself against the walls as hard as I could. I ran away outside after that, and walked around the block crying for a while. Considered throwing myself into moving traffic, but the truth is I am absolutely terrified of dying. It's one of my biggest fears... a friend of mine spotted me and walked me home, though, where the police were waiting. I was arrested for malicious damage and taken to the police station. I'm getting a caution. But I still felt so terrible.

I don't know what's going on with me. Am I having a breakdown? They say self harm is an impulsive urge, but my urge just feels constant. And when I have a wound, I feel... soothed. Comforted. The way a child feels when they're clutching their 'blanky', I guess. And when I don't, I feel so antsy, so agitated, so scared and vulnerable. I just don't know what to do. None of the coping mechanisms I've tried seem to work for me- none of them give me that comforted feeling. I sometimes wish I just had someone, you know? Someone to hug me and tell me "You're okay." I just. Really want someone to tell me I'm alright, instead of people telling me how fucked up I am all the time, and feeling sorry for me. I want to be told I'm okay... but that never happens I just don't know how to cope, I suppose. I'm scared to live without my safety blanket.
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bailatyvm Offline
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Re: Losing It - June 12th 2011, 07:38 PM

Aww..I'm so sorry :/ I know just how you feel, and it's alright. I know how it is...I've figured out that it's like self harm is replacing love for me. No one ever loves me, so I deal with that by taking it out on myself and just...grieving, I guess. You're going to make it, don't let anyone get you down and tell you you're just a disaster. You're sooo much more and even though you have a problem that's breaking you down, you're going to get put back together again. <3

searching for myself...
and hugs. mostly hugs.
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Re: Losing It - June 12th 2011, 09:49 PM

The antidepressant should help you have no urges to self harm. If the med is not working tell your therpist they can always put you on a diffrent one that may work better for you.

Dont cut your self up ouch I have self harmed rarley do it now but never to the point to need stitches. Maybe instead of cutting put ice where you want to cut instead, draw red pen on your self, tear up paper. Yes I get what you mean just want some one to hold me when i cry and tell me they care that there for me.
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