Triggering: I HATE MYSELF

[Dark Horse]

Recently, since the beggining of last year, Ive been going through a particulalry rough time (mainly with my own emotions and 'inside stuff)

I realised, like yesturday, that I've actually been self-harming for much longer than I thought I have. When I was about eight or nine I frequently used to put my fingers into candle flames, and drip wax onto my hands. I never really knew it was SH, I just did it because...I don't know...I just remembered now. (IS it self harm?)

Why would an eight-year-old want to do that? I don't remember ever feeling overwhelmed, angry or particularly sad in general back then.
There's also other stuff that I did...it's been bothering me a lot lately (Im not going to mention it) and is the cause of a lot of my present SH because I feel like I have to punish myself for it... Lets just say that it was stuff that other eight year-olds were not doing and Im so ashamed of it (I only remembered this recently as well - like end of last year).

I feel so ashamed. Im not good enough to be here. And I can't tell anyone about it, not even a therapist; I wouldn't be able to. Plus, even if I was, my mom completely ignores the fact that I feel like I need help, even though Ive told her countless times.
Also. Often, I even feel like Im weak coming onto Teenhelp (I know its stupid). But sometimes I tell myself that I shouldnt be here because other people's problems are way worse than mine and that I should just shut the fuck up and live with it. But it just gets so hard

Sometimes I even feel like everyone's life, including my own, would be so much easier if I was never born.

[escape_thereal_world]

It depends on your thought process at the time of the candle wax incidents. I used to hit my legs on my desk until they bruised. No reason, really. I just did it because I liked how it felt. Apparently, many people consider that self-harm. I personally, do not think it was because I didn't do it on the intent of truly harming myself. Merely did it because I was bored and I liked investigating bruises - I was a strange child

You may have done it to just "investigate", see what it felt like. I mean, come on, melted wax is pretty awesome. :P No, really though...I don't think it is anything to worry too much about. You were young and still learning what pain was. That's why a lot of little kids will touch a hot pan after you tell them they get burnt. It may take them a few times before they realize it's not something to investigate.

Arabella, TH is here for YOU. It is here for anyone at all with any sort of problem, no matter how big or small it is to you or anyone else. That is what it was made for.

Maybe you broke a fingernail and thought it was the worst day ever, whereas someone else had lost someone and was in grieving. It doesn't matter. Your broken fingernail affected YOU, and YOU need the support and help.

Nobody is here to judge you on why you are upset. We are here to help. If someone thinks you are overreacting, then they may mention. Sometimes people mention it to me, and I go "Oh. Oh, wow. You are right!" Other times, I know I am not.

It doesn't matter the circumstances, as long as you feel the way you do, someone should still help you and support you. That's how I feel, and that's how I see it. So please, post on TH, and don't feel weak. You are never weak for asking for help!

Feel free to PM me anytime. <3

-Kelly

(PS: Sorry if that was confusing :O I got so into my post I rambled a bit.)

[Dark Horse]

Thanks, Kelly

[Kristen1995]

You need to explore your own strength to rid yourself of those negative thoughts about yourself. Ask yourself what your advantages are and what you are good at.