Triggering (SH): If I don't stop, I lose my home

[MacGuffin]

I tried to be good today, I really tried. I'd gone over a week without any kind of self harm whatsoever. And it makes no sense, because things were actually looking up today. I had a great weekend with my family, and my boyfriend and I were no longer fighting. I had a good therapy session. I decided I was going to try and work on myself a little harder, so I could start on my way to a proper recovery. I had lunch from my favorite fast food restaurant. I was going to go home and read and work on a project I've been thinking of doing. It was a good day.

And then there was that stupid song. I was just listening to it and I don't know what happened. I went into my room, got out my razor blades and sat down, and just dug into it. When I finally stopped I couldn't believe what I had done. And then I felt like I was in big trouble.

Last week I had family therapy with my mother. She was concerned about my recent self harming (not only was it visible, but I had had to go on antibiotics to treat an infection that broke out). She basically told me that I couldn't keep self harming under her roof. In essence, if I did it again, I would get kicked out. The thought was enough to keep my self harm at bay for a week, but now look what I have gone and done.

I have nowhere to go if I lose my home. I can't stay with my boyfriend, and I don't think I have any friends who could take me in. I wouldn't be able to go to school. I'm panicked. I need to stop this, because so many things are at stake, my home being the most important. But I can't seem to. I don't know what to do.

Help?

[Cabron]

Okay. First off, I hope you're doing okay right now. I can more than understand how panicked and sacred you're feeling right now as my mom has done the same thing to me.But try and calm down for just a second and think this out in a somewhat rational manner. Right now, you have three choices: you can talk to your mom about her ultimatum, you can continue self-harming in secret and risk being kicked out or you can stop altogether.

In my opinion, the first option will be the best for you in your current situation. Try to explain to her that self-harming isn't just something you can stop like that--it takes time and her threatening to kick you out is only making it worse. It may be difficult to phrase it in a non-confrontational manner, however. You could perhaps say that you need her support to stop self-harming and you can't get it when you aren't living with her, or something to that effect. I'm not sure how your mom is or what kind of relationship you guys have so it's tough to give really constructive advice concerning that conversation.

For the time being, I'd try my hardest to take a break from hurting yourself, even if it is really hard. Note that I say 'take a break' as opposed to 'stop', because it really isn't that simple. Every time you want to, just remind yourself that you need to show your mom that you're making an effort to quit, not just tell her. She'll probably take you a lot more seriously if you're talking to her without fresh cuts. You mentioned that listening to a certain song triggered you. Staying away from things like that will make your life a whole lot easier.

When I want to self harm even when it's been a 'good' day, I make a list of all the reasons why that day was good and read them over and over again. I tell myself that there's no point in wasting a good day by hurting myself right afterwards because it will only negate that 'good' feeling. Make it your goal to keep the good day going. Stay away from anything that may trigger you, and give yourself lots of leeway on this too. You're going to be okay, and this is a bump in the road. Nothing more. PM me if you need a chat.