I am so messed up
Nothing can fix me.
I give up on trying to fix myself.
I talk to friends and it just makes them worry, and makes their lives harder.
I don't know what to do anymore.
It's beginning to be too much for me.
It needs to be over.
I feel like if I don't cut, I'm going to kill myself.
I'm not going to disagree with you that you are messed up. I think the whole world's crazy and screwed sometimes. But there's nothing wrong with being messed up. Everything doesn't have to be perfect to be or to feel right, in fact, imperfection is oftentimes what makes something beautiful and natural.
It might not be "over" if you kill yourself. If there's an afterlife or something similar, and you retain your memories, all this act will do is intensify feelings of regret and guilt from what you have done beforehand (and will also bar you from returning and "fixing" those mistakes). You don't need more or worse of these feelings, obviously.
What do you feel is "too much" for you (also, what ties you so much to cutting that you think if you have to stop, you have to kill yourself?)? Is it having people worry about you? I don't think you should worry so much about making people's lives harder if you tell them about your problems (although you are a caring person for doing so). In my experience, true friends are willing and glad to help, and would rather be told of a friend's problem and then worry about it than be kept in the dark.
I hope this helps. PM me if you'd like to chat; I'm always up for it. : )
"Who, being loved, is poor?"
- Oscar Wilde
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"When all you've got is nothing,
there's a lot to go around."
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"Though hope is frail,
it's hard to kill."
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HelpLINK Mentor since 1/12/12.
Last edited by Akito; December 1st 2011 at 08:15 PM.
I think you should try to get away from the source of the constant hurt and ridicule for a while, if you can. Take a little reprieve from what has been harming you and it may be easier to stop harming yourself. The time away can help you heal and give you a break from the trouble. It can also help you to take a step back and think about your troubles from a different, more impartial perspective. If you can't get away, try spending some time alone or with people who don't hurt or ridicule you. It can do the same thing, but more briefly.
Try finding some other distraction from your problems. Have you seen the list of alternatives (it's in a sticky in this forum)? I've found them very useful when I have urges to self harm. Not all of them work for every person, so you just have to keep trying until you find some that work for you.
Yes, it will hurt your friends. Yes, it will bother your friends. Because they care about you, and that's a good thing. You've shown that you care about them by just not wanting to hurt or bother them with your problems, now let them care about you. Friendship is a give and take relationship. Not just take - and not just give. You've got to let them in, so that they can help you out. If you don't, you aren't allowing them to do their part in the friendship. I know it's hard to let people help you, but it's really helping everyone to become better people and friends. By sharing more information, you grow closer to those whom you share it with and thus better able to fix those problems. I think that is preferable to being completely ignorant of the situation. I wouldn't want a friend of mine finding out my problems after I committed suicide, that's horrible and would deprive them of their chance to help. If you don't want your SH to hurt or bother them, then you have to stop doing it, not stop telling them about it.
Please don't cut. I understand that its hard for you right now. But try to look in the future. Your not always going to have bad days. There will be good days were you feel better and there will be bad days. On the bad days try to get out of the situation for a while go do something fun something that will distract you.