Major Relapse, and I Liked It? -
March 1st 2012, 04:46 AM
I have not self-harmed on my arms in almost a year. However, I have been cutting my theighs and rarely my stomach. For a while I stopped completely, but this past week I don't care at all. The pain will get so bad I cannot stop myself no matter what. I don't even know what I am feeling. But tonight, I started cutting again. Badly. This is not something I usually do, and if you are sensitive, please do not continue reading.
Normally, I just let the blood flow out and think nothing of that, just of the pain and how comforting it is for me. Yet, I startled myself with how deep it was and when it started coming I grabbed my leg and it just started getting onto my hands. At that point, I started smearing it around and I started laughing. Then I tried writing with it and basically I was just playing with it until the bleeding stopped. I thought it was actually really pretty. Right now, I do not feel appalled by it. It's like... so what? But at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be like... so what? I usually don't act like this. When I do this, I am usually just so depressed, but I don't understand what compelled me to act so unlike me. I am very confused. I assume quite a few other people do this? It's just not like me. Instead of stopping to do that, I just keep cutting more and more and more.
I guess I am looking for some support.
Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."