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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
unusedaccount Offline
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Exclamation Need help for my friend? - March 14th 2012, 06:18 PM

I'm sorry if I'm posting in the wrong area, or if there's already threads about this, but I really really need someone's help/advice.

Basically my best friend recently confided in me that she'd been self harming for the past three years (cutting). She's really against me telling anyone, and doesn't want to burden her parents, who are divorced. I fear I may have made her problems worse, because I'm currently in the early stages of recovering from anorexia, and before I was diagnosed or being treated, she was always the one I talked to and went to for support. She was also the first person I told my eating problems to.

She only told me when I admitted I'd been scratching at my arms to deal with the anxiety caused by eating, although my therapist and treatment team are now helping me deal with it. She then admitted to me she'd been cutting herself for 3 years. I've known her for 5/6 years and she'd never told any of this to me, or indeed anyone else before.


I am out of my mind worrying about her. I've told her how much she means to me, and how I'll always be there for her should she need me. She quite possibly saved my life by telling a trusted teacher about my eating disorder, but she says he doesn't want support. She's dead set against it and I know her to well to kid myself she'd get over me betraying my trust.


Sorry if this post is too long. Any advice?

-A very worried friend

I am out of my mind worrying about her.

Last edited by unusedaccount; March 14th 2012 at 08:13 PM.
   
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Re: Need help for my friend? - March 14th 2012, 07:21 PM

Hey there First off I want to say how nice it is to see that you care so much about your friend, and well done for getting help with your ED! That is a huge thing and must have been very hard.

Don't worry about the fact you leaned on her a lot, that is in the past now and there is no point dwelling on it. The main thing to do now is to get your friend talking. She has obviously kept this all to herself which never helps, so if you can just carry on being a good friend and get her to open up to you that will help a great deal. But I must say to make sure that you don't take too much on because you need to think about you as well. Does she want to stop harming? That is a very important question because even someone with the best will in the world won't be able to help your friend unless she is willing to help herself and try to beat self harm.

Just keep being a good friend to her, and then if she starts to open up to you it will be easier to decide what to do. You might be able to convince her to reach out for help, or at least let you tell someone.

Best of luck with everything
Georgia x


"Friends are like stars; you don't always see them but you know they are always there"

"It gives me hope. I love you so much. You give me a reason to breathe. Its something for me to not kill myself for" >>> means so much :')

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Re: Need help for my friend? - March 14th 2012, 07:35 PM

Thank you for replying

Would it be too hard to ask her to stop? I looked at the self harming thread about what to do instead of cutting, but she said she'd tried most of the ideas and they didn't work.

I would feel terrible if something happened to her, and she ended up in hospital or dead. I'd be wholly responsible for not telling anyone. But at the same time, she'd never forgive me for "taking it away from her" or telling someone. I know how hard it is to have your coping methods taken away, and I don't want to do more harm than good.

I just don't know what to do.
   
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Re: Need help for my friend? - March 14th 2012, 08:41 PM

I think just outright asking her to stop at this point would put too much pressure on her and maybe scare her away rather than get her to open up. Try to find out what's causing her harming and see if she wants to stop. If she doesn't you might be able to help her by pointing out all the bad effects of cutting. It might help if you mentioned this site to her if she decides she does want help


"Friends are like stars; you don't always see them but you know they are always there"

"It gives me hope. I love you so much. You give me a reason to breathe. Its something for me to not kill myself for" >>> means so much :')

Paramore! <3
Pm me anytime, I like to help!
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Re: Need help for my friend? - March 14th 2012, 09:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veryworried View Post
She quite possibly saved my life by telling a trusted teacher about my eating disorder
If experience is truly the best teacher (which it most often is).. what did you learn from this?

Exactly.

When someone you really care about tells you they're doing something that is blatantly self destructive, your priority is to protect them, and most often, that means getting them to someone who can help them. As she did for you.

You can use your experience to share with her what that means, and how life saving it was for you, what treatment is really like. Sometimes, by giving a personal account of something that someone is dead set against, it can change their perspective. I think this is worth a try. Suggest your accompanying her, sometimes having that support helps, too. If she refuses, I know this is a hard spot to be in and some will disgaree...but...you really do need to tell an adult so she can get the proper care she need to stop this self destructive behavior. Hopefully, she'll trust you enough to change her perspective and willingness without that, but if not, do not hesitate to tell. It's not 'Betrayal' or 'Pressure' or 'Snitching'. It's life saving.


PM me with the link of the post you'd like me to respond to.
   
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Re: Need help for my friend? - March 15th 2012, 10:36 AM

She only told a trusted teacher about me after I agreed to it. She wouldn't have done so if I had been dead set against it.
I don't want to isolate her any further. It took her 3 years to tell me, and I know she'd never forgive me or tell me anything ever again, and I'm the only person she does talk to. She's already said how it's nice to have someone to talk to about it, and that it makes her happier. I've managed to get her to agree to an "emergency" plan, where if she bleeds too much or feels faint, she'll allow me to get immediate medical help for her.

I can't betray her trust, it'll isolate her further, and I know her- she can be very secretive. She didn't want me to find out, I found out by myself. She doesn't want me to help, she just wants me to talk to. I can't share a positive story on therapy because I'm not in a good place in the moment, and I feel it's making me worse.

It's impossible to get her to open up, and the first time she does it, I can't react by going straight to tell someone. She needs me to talk to.

Last edited by unusedaccount; March 15th 2012 at 10:41 AM.
   
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Talking Re: Need help for my friend? - March 15th 2012, 07:08 PM

Update-

It only took 3/4 hours of none stop persisting, begging and reasoning, BUT SHE'S AGREED TO GO TO THE DOCTORS!
I made an appointment earlier for Monday, after school so her family don't have to know where she's going. I'm honestly so relieved and glad she's getting help!!


Happiest I've been in weeks.
   
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Re: Need help for my friend? - March 15th 2012, 08:43 PM

I'm so glad she's getting help!! That's really good of you, you seem like a fantastic friend.
If there's anything else we can help with, let us know. Or at least keep us updated
   
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Re: Need help for my friend? - March 16th 2012, 11:57 AM

I will keep you lot updated- but I might have to remove the thread, because I think if I refer her to this site(I think she needs the added support), and she sees my post, she might get a little bit annoyed with me- and I'm trying to keep her as happy as possible Is there any way to delete this/ make it private?

Now I just have to get her to that appointment.
   
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