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Name: Isabelle
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: Franklin, VA

Posts: 11
Join Date: February 16th 2015

So Frustrated With My Bipolar - March 27th 2015, 03:42 PM

I'm so frustrated a lot of days. I have Bipolar and a lot of social anxiety. I figure that if I just keep trying, just keep working on it, that I can overcome it a liiiittle bit. But it's very frustrating. I can barely talk to people and after any conversation I spend the next week unable to forget anything I feel I said wrong in the conversation.
I wish (rather frequently) that I could just talk to people. I wish I didn't have days where I am completely unable to leave the house, much less hold a conversation. My greatest fears are small talk and outgoing people. My family gas just moved, and I'm only fifteen, so I can neither get medication and we're working on finding a doctor.
I get a 'social hangover' after any period of prolonged social interaction where the next day I just cannot function. I know there are many people who have it much worse, but it's very frustrating. I want to talk, I want to get to know people, but I just feel like I have nothing to say.
The positive side, i guess, is the two weeks of mania where at least I'm happy and don't give two cents whether anyone minds me or not.
Recently my anxiety attacks are more frequent, where I cannot stop wondering 'Have I done something wrong?' My heart races, my stomach turns, and my arms get tingly.
My OCD has gotten worse over the past few years. My books all HAVE to be in order (from biggest to tallest), when I eat everything has to be perfectly aligned, I can't look at house numbers without trying to force it into a math equation for it to make sense, I have to dunk my tea bag exactly three times before I take it out and when I stir in sugar it has to be first clockwise, then counterclockwise. When I make my bed the lines on the blanket must be perfectly straight and the blanket equally dispersed on both sides. These things drive me crazy, but it's worse when i try to resist it and I end up giving in,
Bah, I've been ranting again. I look forward to the day when I don't have to be unmedicated because of my age. This may be something I'll have to deal with my whole life, but at least it'll get better.

War doesn't determine who is right, only who is left.
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anxiety, bipolar, bipolar disorder, frustrated, vent

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