Getting out there: Dating

[Always *]

So... I literally haven't had sex for a year. Up till around this time last summer I had a friends with benefits thing going on for about 10 months (it was on and off during that time). The last time i DATED anyone and was even on what any sane person could call a date (lunch, dinner, movies, whatever) was 2 YEARS AGO, and yes, TWO DU DUES, what ever language and form you want it in!!!!

Now don't get me wrong, I have been majorly focused on school and have been dealing with some personal issues. Until maybe January-ish this year I probably would have been a shitty girlfriend any how, but maybe not with the right damn guy. I know a lot of girls who are more emotionally stressed out than me and THEY have boyfriends.

I feel like I USED to have a lot of guys interested in me (well, not LOTS LOTS but like, you know, people showed interest so what ever). I am a reasonably attractive person, I mean, I'm not a model or something, but I still consider myself legitimately on the pretty side, I'd be considered plain at worst (and NOT ugly). I am educated (in university), I like to joke around, care about others a lot and I have goals. I like to play sports and travel and have a lot of other interests..... I know there is nothing WRONG with me, but no guy knows this. I am so good at helping my friends with relationship stuff, but I can't seem to do it for myself. I don't know how to put myself out there cause I don't like partying or drinking cause I am a quieter person and don't find clubs and stuff all that fascinating, and even if I did that isn't where I want to meet guys.... I have considered often approaching guys before or after my classes, but I have NO idea how to do that with out being awkward and I tend to stumble over my words sometimes if I am uncomfortable (yet I do quite well and am very good during interview typed situations I think MOSTLY cause I know what I am getting into there)....

I don't know what to do, and the "you're only 20, there's not rush" BS gets really annoying. I'm not asking to get married right now, I just want to find a way to date within my comfort zone (ex. I am NOT going to a club to meet guys BUT I WILL work within school and stuff), cause other wise I'm going to be bloody well 30 and still single. It's just that I have a lot of really frustrating friends. I want just ONE person who I can rely on. It's not like being single ends my life. I am VERY independent so I am fine. I can HANDLE being alone, but it doesn't mean i want to be. It would be nice to have ONCE person in this city though. Just because I am not depressed being alone doesn't mean I should go against human nature and pretend like I enjoy being alone (cause even my friends are unreliable company). So any advice on how to get out of my hermits hole would help. Thanks.

[PSY]

If you're ruling out clubs/bars and university groups/organizations, then that pretty much leaves your classes and connections with friends/social gatherings that aren't at clubs/bars. I'm a little uncertain as to how close you are with your friends, but why not ask them to introduce you to single men they know at the university? If you don't have any friends at your university, do you know anyone in your classes, male or female? I agree that approaching male classmates can seem awkward, so you could start off by sitting near some men and casually striking up conversations, or you could talk to the men who partner up with for group projects. For the female classmates, you can start to develop friendships with them, and in time, ask them to introduce you to their single male friends. It's not going to happen overnight, but you can certainly start to work toward your goal now. =)

[Always *]

Well, I volunteer at a few places and play sports, so I have a few avenues outside of school. I was in a few campus clubs, but most of those I didn't really get into it because I TEND to be really quiet in groups of people if I don't know them (sometimes, not the case) and not everyone is good at including the "outsider" so... yeah... I was thinking about joining a club or 2 for this year but yeah, I guess I'll have to see, I'm already planning to be volunteering at 3 places by the time September rolls around and I am training for a triathlon, so I guess it depends how much I can do on top of my school work. The main thing that sucks about places that I volunteer at is that it is with students and dogs SO unless another volunteer is a male/female in my general age group it doesn't help much. It's not like I'm unfriendly or anything, I think I am quite friendly a lot of the time, I'm NOT shy, I am well educated and well travelled so I have plenty to talk about, and I am sarcastic, so that's not the problem, it's just that I keep to myself most of the time. I ACTUALLY REALLY REALLY want to be in a play or musical haha

[Brandon]

Two words: dating service.

Seriously. I wasted over two years of my life depressed because I wanted a relationship but was told to either:

a) pursue women
b) let women pursue me
c) both a and b

Yeah, I could pursue women. I did a couple times. One time, this girl and I were having a conversation during the beginning of semester and I ended up asking her out. She responded by saying "step in line." Shortly after, I asked another woman out...completely random, a bank teller, by walking up to her desk and saying "I'm just going to be honest with you. Would you like to go out sometime?" She said no and backed away with a smile.

Ask yourself...even if were the master of getting relationships, why does it even matter? Multiple relationships doesn't bring you closer to true love, it only brings you closer to pessimism and heart-break because you'll feel like you can't find a guy that's worth dating. All you need is one relationship, and the probability of finding that guy/girl who is best for you is slim to none. You might find someone who has one similarity...perhaps you see a guy who reads Harry Potter, and you like Harry Potter too...so you begin talking, but that by no means ensures that you have other matching qualities that really helps the relationship. You're already risking too much when you try to get out there in reality because something may spike your interest in someone...but after that point...anything could come out of that person's mouth. It's really not that necessary.

You're independent. Here's what I suggest...join a dating service, and check up on it. Free dating service. Answer questions about your personality, give an extensive profile description of yourself in all dimensions, and sit back and relax. Show that confidence in yourself, that independence, that patience, and the messages will start rolling in. Then once you start having conversations, you can admit that you haven't had a relationship in a while, and they may actually feel the same way.

But if you expect to not join a dating service because you may feel that it's an act of desperation (and if that's the case...who cares?) then you need to understand that there's no sole reason why you don't have a relationship. If you don't pursue, someone else has to. If they don't, then there's reasons why (and there's potentially millions of reasons). If you want to pursue people in reality, you gotta show your best qualities. If I'm a single guy and I look at you, I'm gonna ask myself "why should I date this woman and not someone else?" What do you have to offer me that makes you different than all the other women? An amazing sense of humor? Pretty eyes? Funny laugh? If you accentuate those qualities, you'll convince me to date you. If you accentuate the wrong quality...perhaps you have big tits or a nice round ass, then may only convince me to pursue you sexually. Put yourself out there as date material, which is important. The best places to meet people are the places that you enjoy going to, but also places that force you to interact with people. Otherwise, you're gonna sit somewhere in the corner, cradle your body together, and gaze at people as they walk by as if you were about to murder them. Going to the bowling alley is a prime example of where you don't want to meet people, but maybe a poetry club or some kind of organization that brings people together is the right place as long as it's something you enjoy doing.

Otherwise, it's all based on luck. Gotta be at the right place at the right time. Personally, I'd choose a dating service because it's essentially cutting out the middle man. With dating services, you meet people and know a lot about them before you actually talk. Going up to someone in reality, however, is walking up to a stranger and not know whether they'll pull out their stun gun or not. The worst that can happen on dating services is you don't get a response.