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Goals and Ambitions Share your goals and ambitions here, whether they are about your future career, recovery aims or anything else you're hoping to achieve.

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My Goal is to be Me. - October 27th 2013, 06:39 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

All my life I have struggled with over-doing myself in order to please others. Others who ( I have now painfully learnt) will never be happy, and once you please them with one thing will find something else to pick on and be unhappy about. There is no point trying so hard to achieve acceptance from others when their expectations are always going to be changing and more to the point i don't even accept myself :/ I am going to find this extremely difficult, and a constant fighting battle in my head, because depression, self-destruction, and anorexia is all i have ever known. It's what i have turned into because of trying so hard to make other people happy and try to help everyone and be here for everyone. It's come to the point where i know that i can't do this anymore. I started a nursing degree in mental health, this year. And in order for me to achieve my best in that I need to be healthy, happy and more-so i need to be me.

For me to pass this degree, and be the best that i can in all my placements, exams and assignments, I have to be okay. Meaning i need to be in control of my depression, and i need to be in control of Sheila. I dont want her to control me anymore, because for her no matter what weight i am its never low enough. This anorexic voice in my head needs to go. And i WILL do this. I NEED to do this, i am tired of being depressed, tired of destructing myself, wearing myself out, looking so so pale and withdrawn and thin. I want to be the best that i can be, i want to be happy. But i have so many demons that i need to fight in order to get there. I know i will have set-backs, and days where i will think, 'you know what fuck this coz i cant fight anymore' but i will not give up. I will accept them days do whatever i need to do and start the next day anew, fighting again to achieve my personal best.

I'm putting this all on here in the hope that someone could maybe give me some tips or advice to stay focused and maintain motivation, so that I can achieve my goal. I know in some ways my goal itself could be motivation enough to keep me on track, but the place I'm at and the place i want to be are miles and miles apart. And for me to get out of where i am now, i need to really really battle with myself. I have a lot of internal set-backs. I'm gonna try and be as open as i can to explain this. Internal set-backs meaning problems that are from me. for example: i have a lot of OCD like tendencies. in order for me to function i need to have a set routine, the same routine everyday, need to be completely organised. This fits in with what i am going to be eating, what i am going to be wearing, what shoes i will wear what bag i am going to be using, my books/work i need to take in to uni, and the time i set off from home, the time i reach my bus stop, the time the bus comes, the time i reach the bus station near uni, how long it takes me to walk to uni and what i am going to do once i am there. typing it all out makes me think omg, so much to think about but that's the way i am. and i am hoping that in sorting myself out, being a minute either side of my set-time wont matter to me anymore. I hope that i can walk to the bus stop without rushing like im going to miss the bus even when i know that i have left the house in plenty of time to reach the bus stop at snail rate. I hope that my anxiety will calm down and that i will reach a certain level of peace in me that i can keep for the whole day, and not be so so stressed for no reason at all. I hope that i can stop being so angry every time i need to eat or the time has come for me to eat or my mother says something about my intake, I need to calm down and take a control of my emotional state.

In essence I want to do this because of the people who I am never good enough for. My Father. There is nothing that i can do which is good enough for him. Even sat on the sofa is wrong as far as he is concerned. Because he hates me. I know that anything i do is never enough for him, so why should i do it for him? now its time for me to focus on me! He has never provided me with emotional support or physical support, he has never held my hand or hugged me or told me he loves me. He has never even spoke to me, and i am his first born child. He should have known better. Turning 20 on Thursday made me realise what I'm missing out on. Now is the time for me to sort my life out and get where I want to be. And i will never be able to do that if i continue trying to please the likes of my father knowing that they will never be happy with me. Completing this degree to the best i can do is going to be a massive achievement for me, so i will do this degree for ME. No-one else, just ME.

I need to be strong.
Can't give up.
Need to accept the good days as good days and bad days as not so good days.
I need to take things one step at a time and each day as it comes.
Set backs are inevitable, but how i react to them is what defines them, and hence what defines me.
I will not be controlled by these selfish bastards any longer.

I WILL BE ME.


''No pressure, no diamonds''

There may not always be a direct answer to a problem, but there is always a way to get through it.
Strength is the best quality of the human mind and body, and I believe everyone has it; whether they believe it or not. Look for that tiny glimmer of hope deep inside yourself and once you've found it let it blossom, glow and illuminate your life.

I'm always here if anyone wants to talk.


x x x
   
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Re: My Goal is to be Me. - October 27th 2013, 09:01 PM

Hey there. It sounds like you are going through a rough time, but a life changing time as well. It sounds like you've had a break-through of good thoughts, and of ideas that will bring you so much closer to success. I think you brought up some great points throughout this thread; ones that you should hold on too. I have a few tips for you:
-Print out what you wrote on this thread. Wake up, and read it. Before you go to bed, read it again. If you constantly read what you wrote, you will begin to fully believe and understand it.
-Get professional help. Handling all those internal things will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life. Since I'm not a doctor or counselor, I can't really provide you with effective tips to help those internal voices and issues. Especially in your case where you are dealing with several things (all which are probably effecting and re-enforcing each other), it is best to seek professional guidance. It will be nice to sit down with someone and fully plan out actions to take to get where you want to be.

Most importantly, believe that you can do this. As you said:
Quote:
i WILL do this. I NEED to do this


"Just know, when you truly want success, you’ll never give up on it. No matter how bad the situation may get.” - Unknown

“One of the most important keys to Success is having the discipline to do what you know you should do, even when you dont feel like doing it.” - Unknown

Keep your head up, and keep pushing forward.


Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
   
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Re: My Goal is to be Me. - October 27th 2013, 09:12 PM

Thanks for taking the time out to read my hefty long post lol. Printing it out is a great idea, thanks for that, i actually didnt even think of it!

I am in the process of professional help from a couple of different places both happening at the same time. One more focused on my life and dealing with the past/ocd behaviour, and the other is uni based so more about staying focused on my studies. But yeah i totally agree with you, i need to have some one more experienced and professional working with me so that i can achieve these goals.

Thanks again


''No pressure, no diamonds''

There may not always be a direct answer to a problem, but there is always a way to get through it.
Strength is the best quality of the human mind and body, and I believe everyone has it; whether they believe it or not. Look for that tiny glimmer of hope deep inside yourself and once you've found it let it blossom, glow and illuminate your life.

I'm always here if anyone wants to talk.


x x x
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
x_sepi_x Offline
BrokenInside
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Name: Sabah
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Re: My Goal is to be Me. - November 4th 2013, 06:36 PM

I need some help. Cant do this on my own


''No pressure, no diamonds''

There may not always be a direct answer to a problem, but there is always a way to get through it.
Strength is the best quality of the human mind and body, and I believe everyone has it; whether they believe it or not. Look for that tiny glimmer of hope deep inside yourself and once you've found it let it blossom, glow and illuminate your life.

I'm always here if anyone wants to talk.


x x x
   
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