Is this considered a normal thing for an older sibling to do?

Flora

Since January this year my brother has been hitting me pretty hard, but in a 'friendly' way. He's 19 and we've always been close, but he wouldn't admit it. We've always had soft playfights here and there, but this is different. He's punching me so hard I can't move where ever he's hit without being in pain, it leaves massive bruises and he seems to find it enjoyable. I don't hit him back because he just punches me harder or pins me to a wall. He wants to be a police officer, so he tends to do that thing where cops bend peoples arms back to restrain them. He does it to the point where my arm is in danger of breaking. I end up having to endure it because he's too strong for me to get away. He doesn't listen if I try to talk to him either.

For example, last week he punched me so hard in my shoulder that I had to lie on it for about 5 minutes just get the pain level down, and it still hurt the next day. Yesterday he hit me in the head with the bottom rim of a full drinks can so hard it dented the can. I can't see where he hit, but it felt like he'd took a gash out. It wasn't bleeding or anything, but still, it really hurt.

I've asked him several times why he does it and if he enjoys it, but he doesn't say anything. He just punches me while I stand there... Both of my parents know he does it, they've seen the bruises and told him to stop hitting me, both know it's totally wrong for him to do it. They just tell him in a nice 'stop hitting her' way, but it hasn't made him stop.

Yesterday he was squeezing my hand really hard, and my dad walked in. He let go, but my dad didn't say anything, just playfully grabbed my hand and said 'I'll break your fingers for you' (because I shouted at my brother that he was breaking them). I'm at a loss on how to make he stop. He sees my bruises and finds it really funny that he's done that to me...

MovedByMercy

My brother is a lot like this. He is younger than me, but only by 11mths, and is a lot bigger than me. He also thinks he can boss me around and do what he wants to me because I'm quite small and shy. He will jump on me, twist my arm around until I can't move it at all, or hit me until I'm bruised.

Older siblings generally want to be in control (speaking from experience

), so maybe he's doing it for control over you, I don't know. Or maybe he's angry at something, and takes it out on you, because apparently it's not assault or abuse when it's your own sibling; it's just sibling rivalry, or something stupid like that. But what I do know is this: it's not right, and he shouldn't be doing it. It's not normal (most people's older siblings that I know look out for them, not put them in danger).

And it's not funny. It should be taken seriously. You said he wants to be a police officer, right? Well, what if he did that to an innocent bystander on the street? Or even someone who he was arresting (potentially someone who deserved it)? He would probably be taken to court, and charged, because no one deserves to be treated like that. You need to get your parents to stop him. It's for his own good, really. It sounds like they aren't really listening to you when you tell them about this, and I know what that's like. I tried and tried to tell my aunt and uncle what was happening, and they told me to get over it. But I couldn't. So I wrote them a letter explaining what was happening, and that worked. Mostly.

Does he do stuff like that when other people are around, like your parents? If not, then being around other people could help him stop-never giving him the opportunity to hurt you. And if he does do it when your parents are around, then maybe they'll see and do something about it.

Hope this helped

Flora

Thanks for the reply Hannah, glad to know I'm not alone

He will happily do it infront of my mam, he doesn't listen to her if she decides to say anything. Most of the time she acts as if nothing is happening which I think encourages him. When she asks where I got a bruise from and I tell her he punched me, she either ignores it or says something along the lines of 'if he's that strong he can weed the garden', which obviously doesn't help. I don't genrally speak to her anyway, she's useless.

I've told my dad several times and he has told my brother to stop hitting me countless times. He wouldn't do it in full view of my dad, but would do it in the same room behind his back. My dad used to body build years ago so is a lot stronger and bigger than my brother, I think that puts him in his place.

I've always thought he was angry about things, or even with me for things that aren't my fault. Sometimes he won't hit me too much, but tries to hurt me by saying things. For example, he constantly says that I have OCD, that I'm mental and should be locked up. He calls me fat and tubbs, even though I'm skinny. He doesn't know this but I have spells where I skip meals and exercise loads because I feel fat, and his comments don't help. He says countless other things.
I'm the only person he comes into contact with that he can attack like this. There are days where he will sit and have a nice conversation with me, and not even touch me, so anger and/or stress seem likely. Personally, I think he's got the same mentality of my dad, he gets angry and stressed but bottles it up until someone comes along that he can moan about it to (always me).

I'd love to be able to avoid him as much as possible to see if he calms down, but I feel bad knowing that he might be bottling things up and taking them out on me, I don't want him to feel like he can't express it. Do you think planting relaxing scents in his room might help

JKmadu619

Well, like you said it's normal for siblings to play fight, it's something seen in all of the animal kingdom. However, I think it's possible that he's simply outgrown the concept, and is too strong for his own good. He would not be leaving welts/bruises on you. You are not a contractually binded MMA fighter. Next time he begins to hit you, you should do three things:

- Tell him not-so-kindly to leave you along. "Leave me the fuck alone" is generally a good line.
- Fake cry or make yourself extremely emotional. This is a good way to show how much his behavior hurts.
- Threaten to phone the police. You are both adults, and the state where this was "cute" is long over. He could be arrested for assault.

His snide comments on the other hand are likely just sibling teasing. My brother often refers to me as "fatso" despite it being a bit of a sore spot as I have been sensitive with body image in the past. But that's just how things work with siblings. My older sister often calls me "girl hair" as well, but that's just who she is. It's an unsavory nickname, but it's "normal" for what that's worth.

I wish you luck.

- Justin

bullystopper1999

Well... he is an older brother he is supposed to help you... not hit you... whether he wants to be a police officer or not... its not right and you should tell your parents again so you can keep yourself safe...

Rising_angel123011

My brother use to do kinda the same thing after my parents got divorced. At first I just thought it was him being him since we used to play really rough. My mom ignored it, but my grandma didn't. Finally I got tired of it and stood up to him. The last time he tried to hurt me I kicked him across the room. Now we're like best friends and he would never hurt me. I don't put with people's crap anymore and he knows it.

αγάπη · 1/7/12 - Live Help Operator

Hey there, Michelle.

My brother has literally done everything to me that you've said your brother does to you, plus a few more things. It is certainly not normal, especially because he seems to find hurting you funny. I know where I live, I believe a parent has to call the police and report the other sibling, which is ridiculous. There is a difference between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse. I'm not sure about where you are, but it might be something to check into.
First off, none of what he's doing is your fault. Everything that he says is bullshit.
Second, I think you should talk to your parents about this. Tell them what he says and how much he's hurting you. I don't know if it'll do anything for you or not, but it's worth a try. Stress the fact that what he's doing is really hurting you.
Since he's an adult, you might be able to call the police on him. I would, honestly, if he's hurting you like you say. I know he's your brother and all, but this is out of hand.

Good luck to you. PM me if you like.

My inbox is always open.

JustACityBoy

Personally I'm not sure. There are alot of different types of older brothers. According to my ELA teacher he gets into fist fights with his brothers. Marshall from Himym a tv show pounds his brothers and its a mutual relationship. I sometimes get hit by my older sister but its small hits and get called jokey names. Depends how mutual it is I guess. I find it odd that an older brother would do this to a younger sister, It's possible he might not know how much it hurts so he doesn't know the seriousness of it.

Flora

Sorry for not replying, I've had a busy few days

I've made it as clear as I possibly can to him that what he does is really painfull, usually his reply is 'good' and another few punches just to rub it in. He has no fear of me telling either of our parents, probably because they don't really do anything to stop it. He was the same when we were little, except our parents stopped it back then.

Justin- He doesn't like swearing when it comes from me, so that just makes him worse. And if I fake cry, and he knows he's hurt me really badly, he stops and looks at me every now and then. He has that sort of regretful face. But it doesn't stop him in the long term.

Lorra- I don't want to report him, if he gets a criminal record there's no way the police would hire him. That would be his dream job out the window, and I imagine that would make him even more aggresive towards me.

My parents, or mam at least, seem to need to see a massive bruise on me for them to do anything. Before, they only told him off because my dad saw a bruise on my arm. I don't think they realise how serious it is :/

Mitch

Explain that he is obviously going to fail his psychometric test with that kind of behaviour, if he doesn't quit, threaten to press charges and explain that could be his police career over before it even begins. Issue an ultimatum and don't take his shit. Also, rage at your parents for being irresponsible, they are supposed to be protecting you.
He is an adult and fully understands everything he is doing to you, this is not sibling conflict by any means. This is blatant abuse and shouldn't be tolerated.
Technically, your parents are also liable as they are willingly and knowingly allowing him to harm you. He full well knows that by striking you on the head with a full soda can could have left you with permanent brain damage and in a coma, explain that to him, then perhaps give him some examples so he gets it through his thick skull. He obviously has some underlying issues. So maybe you should speak to someone in authority about the situation and perhaps they can advise you on a proper course of action to take. It can just be someone you trust.

missmorgue

My brother is just like this. He's 19 too and I'm 16. He's always hurting me for no reason and I just let him because he's a lot stronger than me so there's not much I can do. I tell my parents but they just tell him not to do which doesn't really help.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. The only thing I can suggest is to try and go out when he's home or stay in your room/away from him. Maybe you could try talking to your parents about how serious the situation is if they don't realise?

Bunny48

I think maybe you need to talk to someone about this like sit your parents down when he is out of the house. This is considered abouse and he knows it wrong as he stops when your parents are around. Consider it this way what if your boyfriend was doing that? Or your dad?