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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Imaginary Offline
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Could the Gods be smiling upon me? - May 8th 2009, 02:58 AM

How do you know if the memories are true? I’m recalling my step-dad touching me, and my father, you guessed it, touching me, the pricks. I know at least one incident is true.

I only feel happy when I’m in pain, emotional physical mental. I have a horrible memory. I disassociate all the time. I used to play very erotic games with other girls and my step-dad.

There are circumstances that are strange. He wouldn’t need to be around me while I took a bath every day, right? He also wouldn’t need to put his hands in the water, would he? I sort of want to crawl into a hole with a flash light and read Harry fucking Potter until I can recite it backwards.

I’ve written out lists of reasons why I think I may have been abused, but were I to post it, the internet would a’splode. It’s very long. And I don’t know if I should tell my mother until I’m sure it’s true. Because if it is true, that means she didn’t do anything about it. I’m remembering things that are just too obvious to ignore. I understand that loneliness can do strange things to a persun, but she should have done something (assuming that these recollections are veracious).

Anyway, to reiterate, how is one to know if these memories are true? I’ve been exposed to a lot of sexual content from a young age (perhaps not the most admirable parenting method, but all the good movies are rated R anyway). It’s possible that I could be making all this shit up, right? Arg. This is irksome. Carking dogs Batman! What’s that over there? Is it…. Could it be?.... Yes! It is! It’s DENIAL! WHOOO!

Thanks for the help. Sorry if my use of humour upsets anyone, but I find bad jokes soothing.

Edit: I'd really find any help lovely. I'm smacking myself over the head because I have no answers, I'm terrified of my parents and sort of want to die. Again, reeeeally would appreciate the help. Thank you.


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Last edited by Imaginary; May 8th 2009 at 05:45 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Could the Gods be smiling upon me? - May 8th 2009, 07:03 AM

Hey. I'm really sorry you're going through stuff like this right now, and I know that it definitely has to be really tough for you. Do you think that maybe talking this through with someone may be of benefit to you? Maybe sharing your memories with someone will help you become more clear on what has really happened in the past. Try to remember the times that you spent with your stepdad, and how it is that he treated you. Don't worry so much about if these things happened exactly the way that you imagine, just remember all you can about your stepdad and what he's done to you in the past, and try to prepare yourself to get it out in the open.





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Jen Offline
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Re: Could the Gods be smiling upon me? - May 8th 2009, 06:59 PM

I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through now. It's awful, isn't it? I can relate to the whole "did it happen??" thing. And from talking with professionals and reading literature, one thing has stayed constant, and that is being told that people RARELY make up false memories. It is common to have distorted memories, about various things, because we're only human. But people, especially kids, don't just make up scary things for no reason. If you have memories, it is extremely likely that SOMETHING did happen. Trust your instincts. The exact details aren't as important, as funny as that seems. It's about how it affected you, you know?

Take GOOD care of yourself. Think about someone you trust, and could reach out to. And in the meantime, keep posted and don't hesitate to PM me anytime, okay?

Jen




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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Could the Gods be smiling upon me? - May 8th 2009, 07:41 PM

Hi Imaginary


How do you know if the memories are true? I’m recalling my step-dad touching me, and my father, you guessed it, touching me, the pricks. I know at least one incident is true.

Memories are difficult, they can come from dreams, bad experiances, or difficult times. It maybe that because your memories are a bit confused you think that maybe the 2 molested you....but you are no sure who. Its best to keep away from both.

I only feel happy when I’m in pain, emotional physical mental. I have a horrible memory. I disassociate all the time. I used to play very erotic games with other girls and my step-dad.

Im guessing you have no confidence. Im also guessing that you dont like youself...that is why you want pain....to feel something. Emotional & physical & mental pain is much easier to have when you have been through so much. But that doesnt mean you have to live in pain for ever. As for the erotic games...I'm sorry you went through that. But thats not your fault. Your stepdad abused you....please dont blame yourself.

There are circumstances that are strange. He wouldn’t need to be around me while I took a bath every day, right? He also wouldn’t need to put his hands in the water, would he? I sort of want to crawl into a hole with a flash light and read Harry fucking Potter until I can recite it backwards.

He is completely wrong. I cannot emphasise that enough. You can get him done for sexual assault. I understand about wanting to hide away. You must be very scared. Anyone in your position would be...but crawling into a hole will just cover the problem, not solve the problem. You need to really realise that what is happeneing, is not & was not your fualt.

I’ve written out lists of reasons why I think I may have been abused, but were I to post it, the internet would a’splode. It’s very long. And I don’t know if I should tell my mother until I’m sure it’s true. Because if it is true, that means she didn’t do anything about it. I’m remembering things that are just too obvious to ignore. I understand that loneliness can do strange things to a persun, but she should have done something (assuming that these recollections are veracious).

If you have Doubts its better to do something about it, then ignore it, because most of the time, the doubts are actually real. Specially things to do with abuse.
If you cant talk to your mum, then please....see a counsellor, a teacher, anyone that you can trust.

Anyway, to reiterate, how is one to know if these memories are true? I’ve been exposed to a lot of sexual content from a young age (perhaps not the most admirable parenting method, but all the good movies are rated R anyway). It’s possible that I could be making all this shit up, right? Arg. This is irksome. Carking dogs Batman! What’s that over there? Is it…. Could it be?.... Yes! It is! It’s DENIAL! WHOOO!

No, you will not now for sure if the memories are true or not....it comes from your heart...if you think you was abused...then most probably you were. Being exposed to a lot of sexual contented film, my have influenced your thoughts...but you should not doubt yourself.


Thanks for the help. Sorry if my use of humour upsets anyone, but I find bad jokes soothing.

I hope I have helped you.

You are so special to me. I just want you to be happy & safe.

Have faith in yourself

Jamie

xx
Edit: I'd really find any help lovely. I'm smacking myself over the head because I have no answers, I'm terrified of my parents and sort of want to die. Again, reeeeally would appreciate the help. Thank you.


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Could the Gods be smiling upon me? - May 8th 2009, 07:58 PM

I have verified to myself that at least one incident it true (my biological father showing me that movie Heavy Metal, sick fuck), though it would be impossible to prove it to anyone else. I think there may have been more acts of such a despicable nature, but I can't be positive. I just saw a flash of my bio. father putting his hand down my pants (again, the sick fuck).

In addition to that, I think my step-dad also abused me. But I can't prove it. Thank you for all your help. I've been reading about memories and repression, and I'm kind of clinging to the hope that they are false, but all the criticism I've read is about memories recovered in therapy using squiffy methods. I've seen all these flashes in my basement listening to crappy music.

Thank you again for the support. I'd appreciate any further information on the topic.


myspace.com/lonesome_fish for poetry. I like feedback sometimes. And I like smiley faces .
   
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Re: Could the Gods be smiling upon me? - May 8th 2009, 08:03 PM

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It's horrible when you know something's happened, but agonising over what's true and what isn't can be just as bad. However, I agree that from a psychological point of view, most of what you remember is likely to be true, in at least one context. For example, it's extremely likely that you were abused, but you're not sure who it was. Denial could well play a part in this. Perhaps talking to a councellor or psychologist could help sort your feelings out?
Take care x




   
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Re: Could the Gods be smiling upon me? - May 8th 2009, 08:07 PM

I'm sorry the memories are so hard right now. It's awful. You should never have had to endure what you did. "Recovered memories" (from hypnosis or other methods) have a lot of criticisms and do not hold up well in court. This is because it IS possible for therapists to "plant" memories in people's heads or lead them to believe something happened when it didn't. So if you are wanting to press charges against your step-father and/or bio-father, I would say it might be in your best interest to NOT do so-called "memory work" or whatnot. However, it definitely would be helpful and beneficial to talk to a therapist or doctor because getting support around these memories and incidents is going to be crucial. Do you think there's anyone you could talk to or reach out to?

This website is one I liked--I thought it provided a bit of good information about wondering if you were abused, and signs that might help confirm it, etc. Keep taking care of yourself okay?

Jen




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Re: Could the Gods be smiling upon me? - May 10th 2009, 04:48 PM

The humour was actually a bit refreshing.

I don't know much about memory repression, except that when the mind decides it can't handle something, it stores it away into a little corner so it doesn't have to look at it, but then sometimes the memory will start sneaking out and that is when you begin questioning such things, most likely.

I'm not a pro, but these sound legit. You can go through hypnotic therapy if you think there's a lot hiding in that little compartment.
   
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