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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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What do I do now? - May 14th 2009, 12:44 AM

I dated this guy for about a year and a half in 8th and 9th grade, and I'm just starting to realize that he may have raped me.
Like, I knew what was going on at the time, but I never really considered it rape, because we'd had a sex before, but I did say no a few times, and he kept going, anyway. I'm not really sure if this would be considered rape, but i'm leaning towords yes.
Anyway, I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't want to make a big deal about it. we broke up 2 years ago, and I pretty much havn't seen him since then, and I don't want him back in my lif in any way. I just want to tell someone what happened, without getting him involved.
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Re: What do I do now? - May 14th 2009, 01:50 AM

Hey Sarah,
It is totally understandable, and very brave and self-caring of you, to wait to tell someone what happened. That shows that you want to help yourself heal. You would not necessarily need to get him involved. I've talked about my two sexual assaults to professionals (and others like friends and family members) but I've kept it about ME. Unless you want to press charges or anything, which you do NOT have to do, it's about you, and only you!

It's okay to make as big of a deal out of it as you feel necessary and helpful--because to you it WAS a big deal. It really affected you, and that's completely understandable. Do you have someone you could reach out to? Teacher, guidance counselor, parent, etc.?

You're being very brave, Sarah, and doing a great job taking care of yourself. Keep us posted and PM me anytime you want to chat, okay? I really understand what you are going through.
xo
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Re: What do I do now? - May 14th 2009, 08:58 PM

Hey Sarah.

What happened was rape. You said no, and you kept saying no, but he continued anyway. You didn't give him your consent, you didn't tell him it was ok to keep doing what he was doing, so it's rape, yes. Whether or not you've had sex with him before - well, you may have told him yes before, but you didn't tell him yes to that time.

I can understand if you don't want him back in your life. I'm going to suggest you report what happened but if you're not comfortable making a report or if you don't feel that would be the best thing to do, then do what you're okay doing. Don't push yourself to do something you aren't ready to do, all right?

It's good you want to talk with someone about this; bottling it up inside is never healthy, and keeping quiet is never the right way to go. Do you have any friends you trust, who you think you'd be able to tell? A favorite teacher, a school guidance counselor, a religious leader...? Even think about finding a professional who specializes in sexual assault, counseling can be a huge help if you keep an open mind.

In the meantime though, something I think may help would be to journal or blog about this. Getting thoughts out of your head and onto paper can be really helpful.

My PM box is open anytime you'd like to talk about anything, ok? Take good care of yourself, and keep safe.



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Re: What do I do now? - May 15th 2009, 03:22 AM

Sarah,

Like others above me said, this wasn't your fault. Just because you've had sex before, consensually, doesn't mean the times following are the same. You must be equally involved in all sexual invitations. You said no and that means anything continuing beyond that wasn't wanted. Therefore, he shouldn't have forced it or continued. One of the hardest things to do with any form of abuse is coming forward. Talking about something that can make you feel so used, isn't easy at all. I understand. So do others. Sometimes, the best way to cope isn't reporting him. Sometimes, it's to simply work through it on your own terms. If that is all you feel you can handle, then so be it. You don't need to push yourself at all. It's great that you came on here, that's a good step forward. Now, maybe you can try a close friend? A female would probably be easier. Simply because we relate more to it. Maybe someone else you know who was abused? Possibly a parent? Considering you're 17, I'm guessing you can't legally see a therapist without parents consent. I would suggest something professional in the future, just to be safe. As for now, maybe you can find a local rape victims unit? We have them here in Canada. They are facilities established for the soul purpose of helping victims overcome rape and abuse. They are free and secretive as long as you're 16 and over. Possibly looking into something like that can help? If nothing else, at least blog about it. To get the feelings and emotions on the outside. This can help things not get tangled up inside you, which can save you from having an emotional breakdown. If you need ANYTHING at all, let me know. I'm always here for you. Take care.

~Stay strong and have faith.


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