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DomoKay Offline
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Why do I do this to myself? - April 9th 2016, 04:56 PM

When I was 15 I was set-up by this guy and his friends, and was sexually assaulted. I never really thought too much of the event because it seemed normal at the time. I know I didn't want that to happen and was begging him to stop until I blocked everything out, but it didn't seem to affect me until I moved away to go to college and everything came crashing down. I am in the process of starting EMDR (trauma counseling) because I've used it for two other traumatic events and it works well for me.

The other day I was really lonely and just wanted a warm body to be next to... but my friend started making sexual advances even after I asked him to stop. But he wouldn't stop and I just gave in because I was tired of fighting... Why do I keep putting myself in these horrible situations? I feel so disgusting. No amount of showers can wash this away. I guess this is really bothering me because I am doing EMDR for a car crash I was in, and it is bringing up memories that I stashed deep down in a box. And because it's around 7 years exactly when it first happened... Please help, I am so tired of being so dirty and disgusting and promiscuous.
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Re: Why do I do this to myself? - April 9th 2016, 05:20 PM

I'm glad to hear you're starting EMDR. I know it has done wonderful things for people, and I have had a few sessions of it myself. I know it can be tiring so I hope you are able to get some rest after all of that reprocessing.

From what you've written it seems like you're assigning blame to yourself and you're not to blame, the person who did this to you the other day is to blame. You didn't do this to yourself. Someone did this to you. You did nothing wrong and you certainly didn't put yourself in a bad situation because you didn't know things would turn out like that. You had no way of knowing he was going to make advances. Like you said, you were struggling and wanted to be near a warm body.

I know what it is like to feel dirty after something like this and it is something I've been trying to work on recently. I'm not sure if affirmations work for you, but it might help to think of some (or research some) that you can repeat to yourself. Something I've been telling myself is that the cells in my body are regenerating and I am not dirty because the people who did this are no longer completely on me. Maybe you can try something like that? Trauma meditation stuff is helpful in addition to EMDR. There are CDs out there, but you can probably find some on YouTube if you wanted to give it a try.

Hang in there.

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Celyn Offline
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Re: Why do I do this to myself? - April 10th 2016, 11:05 AM

When we block things out, we can manage to not let it affect us in our daily lives, but at some point it will come back. I'm glad that you are starting EMDR and hope that it works for you!

I agree that you're blaming yourself, when you should be blaming the other person. It's entirely normal to want to feel warmth, especially when you feel lonely. But it is your friend's fault for making sexual advances and not listening to you. You have done nothing wrong.

I also agree with the affirmations...there's nothing wrong with wanting to be close to someone, and you don't deserve what happened to you. You are not dirty, disgusting or promiscuous at all.

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