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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
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that trapped feeling - July 9th 2016, 09:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi everyone,

So, I was going to write a poem about this but I just can't bring myself to do it. I start it out in my head and it just gets overwhelming. Anyway, the issue at hand is that my situation at home is good enough to live here day by day and not pick up my belongings and leave but bad enough to feel depressed and suicidal and question myself on a daily basis about whether this is abuse or not. Whether I deserve this or not. And so on. I at least came to the conclusion that this environment is dysfunctional...unless I change my mind about that too later on. Ughh. Anyway...my main issue here is that things are really bad for a while, then it calms down and then it gets bad again. During the good times, I am like in some kind of bliss, like I tell myself i was so silly, my family is great etc but I also punish myself during that time too to make up for my family being nice to me. During the bad times, I self harm too but more for the fact that I need to escape in the moment.

Okay so here's the thing. I still have memories of not too long ago of the most recent bad days, and it's like I'm anticipating when the next bad days part of the cycle will come again because it's scary how unpredictable it can be but by now I know the good days won't last even though I'd like to think that it will or that I can try to make it last.

Yesterday and rather the past week, it was mostly a good day (in terms of not being the target) for me but a bad day for my sister which means she was the target. I feel bad watching my sister(s) being the target so it's actually really triggering. But for some weird reason my father slapped me at one point. The last time he hit me was several months ago. I had made a post about it but that time I was using a different account that time. This time it was over something very small as well. Basically my father had been on my case about me having tupperware in my bedroom, which I explained I did not multiple times. As I was leaving for work, he said "go to your room and get me the other tupperware like the one in my hand" I said I didn't have it, and in fact that I saw it in the fridge, open the fridge and see it etc. He then said "why are you raising your voice?" and slapped me 2 seconds after. I then told him "don't slap me. Say sorry now" it took me repeating it multiple times and he actually DID say sorry. Not in a serious tone though; it sounded very jokingly to be honest. But I guess it's a huge difference from the usual of refusing to acknowledge that he did something wrong to me AT ALL. Instead he says that because I'm upset and/or crying that he'd never speak to me again and gets very defensive. So I would say most of the problems at home are emotional, verbal, but there IS a past of physical. I just never thought it would last until now, into adulthood. I thought it was his way of "discplining" us and I was coming to terms with that. But now as a 22 year old, he decides to slap me. And it is the first time that I ever remember him apologizing, as insincere as it sounded.

But I was still suicidal last night and the way he was treating my sister was horrible and just reminiscent of my whole life so far. Meanwhile my other sister is treating me particularly nicely such as offering to take the cucumber peels and throw it out for me which btw she NEVER did before. She is known for asking others (usually me) to get up and do things for her. I feel like it's an act. And that was confirmed when today, things stabilized between my sister and father arguing and they both cooled down and guess what? my other sister being "nice" to me also went down and she started insulting me all over again.

While I was suicidal last night I texted a crisis chatline which resulted in my phone freezing but then I fixed it but before I managed to fix it, I went on the computer...and talked to a chatline on the internet. The person told me what I'm going through is domestic violence and then referred me to a homeless shelter that has a special unit for domestic violence and told me I can try going there as it is open 24/7. I ended up not going to the shelter. It was 10pm and I decided to go to sleep instead.

In the past others such as counselors and other chatline volunteers and friends have all confirmed that my home environment is at the very least toxic and better for me to get out of there ASAP. Some suggested I find a counselor who specializes in abuse.This is also not the first time either that I was referred specifically to some kind of domestic violence service. But I still have my doubts. I still think that it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be. The thing is, today is one of my "good days" but on my bad days I tell myself that I'd rather die than live another day here. I just don't know if this is one of my self doubt moments for something that is really valid or is it really ridiculous to think I need domestic violence services involved when it is really a tiny problem that I'm blowing out of proportion.

I've come close to leaving my home and I've also made suicide attempts in the past and been close to making attempts countless of times (for years now) so I tell myself my pain is real, it felt real, I know it did. I have scars to prove it. I have memories to prove it. But is it just those normal family problems that can be solved internally and I'm making a big deal out of nothing or is this one of the many faces of domestic violence. I don't know if I will ever have this answer and until then I cannot get myself to use the resources for domestic violence that I was given because I don't want to be that person who complains about nothing. Or makes a problem over nothing.

On a side note, therapy is one of the (many) things my family is against and doesn't approve of, and I've been going in secret but for some reason they seem to be figuring it out. I am scared about this too. The things they're saying makes me strongly believe they found out. I don't know how. Well actually it could be because I told someone from my family and she promised not to tell but I guess she did. Ugh. Now they're going to tell me how therapy doesn't work, how I don't need it. How I don't have any problems, how this family is wonderful and I have no right to complain because it could be worse. (then they list all the things they COULD do that could make it worse but don't and how I should be grateful for that)

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; July 9th 2016 at 10:36 PM.
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Celyn Offline
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Re: that trapped feeling - July 12th 2016, 03:06 PM

I can resonate with the first part of your post really well, about your home situation not being bad enough to leave, but still being damaging. It can be frustrating at times, because when this is our situation, itís easy to question whether things are abusive or not, and when things are going well, itís easy to think that we were exaggerating before. This in turn, will make us feel worse about ourselves. I think itís great to try to conclude that the environment you are living is dysfunctional, because it can help to give you some sense of closure as sometimes things arenít as black and white with regards to trying to figure out whatís abusive and what isnít, but dysfunctional can be the grey area that might fit the overall situation better.

I think itís understandable that after having cycles of good and bad times, you are naturally going to be anticipating the bad times and think that the good times wonít last because bad times usually follow. I also think that in dysfunctional families there will be a Ďtargetí like you say, and so it makes sense that your good moments, are when you arenít the target, but equally it can still be triggering to see others around you be the target. I am really sorry to hear that your dad slapped you, especially seeing as you are now 22. While some parents do use physical discipline, this is often with regards to children (I remember getting smacked many times when I was a child), and very rarely goes into the teenage years and beyond. I think at this point it becomes more of lashing out of anger, or abusive, but not as discipline. There was absolutely no need for that regarding the situation, as it definitely seemed a very minor thing.

What you describe is definitely toxic and dysfunctional, and I can see why crisis hotlines and counsellors would suggest getting out of your home and finding suitable accommodation. However, I can see your conflict, but itís not because you feel you are exaggerating or having a good day. I think itís because the home environment is dysfunctional, cycling through good and bad times, that itís hard to make sense of it all. For example, if your dad was hitting you on a daily/weekly basis, and there were no good times, itís easy to say thatís abusive and to find somewhere else to live. But because your family goes through cycles, itís harder to label, but I think the dysfunctional one fits well here. That doesnít mean to say that what youíre going through is any less abusive than it is though, itís just a way of trying to understand things. I saw a quote online that went something like ĎIf you feel like you are going insane, and you are in a dysfunctional environment, you are not going insane.í Itís less to do with you as an individual, and more to do with your home life.

Your pain is real, you have the scars and the memories. Is it a normal family problem that can be solved internally? Well, dysfunctional families will continue to be dysfunctional until every person in the family can see that it is dysfunctional and takes up help. Without getting everyone on board, it can be difficult to change. But regardless of that, how you feel matters the most and I donít think you are making a problem over nothing.

A lot of families can be against therapy, whether thatís through being misinformed, judgemental, or not trusting the professionals or being in denial about their own situations. If youíve been going to therapy in secret, then they canít really have found out, unless that person you told, tells them. The lecturing that you might get sounds a lot like scare-mongeringÖ.which is what people do when they get scared of things, particularly if it involved admitting there are problems and getting help for them, resulting in change. Either way, if that does happen, itís best to take little notice of it. As you said, you know what you are going through and how you are feeling, and thatís all that matters, not what they say.

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