TeenHelp - Talking didn't work

TeenHelp (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/)

- Education and Careers (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f22-education-careers/)

- - Talking didn't work (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f22-education-careers/t146854-talking-didnt-work/)

Talking didn't work

I've posted about this quite a few times a while ago but I'll go over what happened again.

So between this ages of 9-15 I was sexually abused by my neighbour who was only a year older than me, and then when I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by my neighbour at a family party.

With my cousin he was very drunk and he has acted normal with me since but I avoid him as much as possible at first I questioned whether he remembered it at all but just before he did it I told him I fancied a boy called Aiden and the next time I saw him he asked how Aiden was so surely if he remembers that name then he must remember assaulting me?!

But yeah anyway so I struggled with not telling anyone for a long time, I told my sister and she was supportive but I wanted professional help. The day before my 18th my mum took my phone and read some messages about it and I was forced to tell her, she just laughed and said that I'm not a victim and said I should not tell anyone about it because I don't want to make out im a victim and said she'll be annoyed if i tell anyone. I'm currently at sixthform at my school and I really want to tell this teacher about it because I want someone to understand why my grades have gotten so bad the last few years. I was so scared of my mum finding out and i thought once she knew I could talk to someone and now I'm gutted that my mum reacted like that. The school would have to call home and I can't deal with my mum being angry with me because she makes life hell and I don't want to go down that route again.

Any advice please?

Re: Talking didn't work

I'm sorry to hear that you were abused by your neighbour, and later assaulted at a family party.

Though alcohol affects memory, it's understandable that if your cousin could remember the name of the guy you fancied, which you told him right before he assaulted you, that you would question or maybe even assume that he would remember the assault. However, quite often those who abuse and assault go into denial about their actions. Denial can be quite powerful because deep down, they know what they did, but being in denial allows them to ignore those memories and seemingly carry on as normal. That may or may not be the case for your cousin, but it can help to explain his behaviour a bit. It's really good that you try to avoid him as much as possible though.

It must've taken a lot of strength to tell your sister about what happened, and I'm so glad that she was supportive. It's also understandable that you would want to get professional support too. However, I am really sorry to hear about your mum's reaction. Your mum may also be in denial about what happened, but perhaps she may feel that she should've protected you or at least noticed what was going on. She may also find it hard to believe that these people hurt you too. So perhaps as a defence, she shuts you down and may go into denial. This doesn't defend what she said to you (you were assaulted regardless of age or relation, so you can say you are a victim/survivor of assault/abuse), but is another way of looking at it.

Though your mum's reaction wasn't helpful, it doesn't stop you from telling others and getting the support you need and deserve. If you feel that telling the teacher is what you want to do, then I think you should go for it. Teacher's do notice when grades have dropped, but when it comes to high school, they don't get to spend enough time with individual students to find out why this may be. There are certain rules in place for when a student discloses abuse so the school may have to call home. However, you can explain that you already told your mum but she doesn't want you telling others about it. The teacher should be sensitive to your needs as well as follow the rules. Another option would be to talk to your school's nurse or counsellor (if you have one). Or you could also go to your doctor and get a referral for counselling from there.

Keep reaching out to others and I'm sure you'll get the support :hug:

Re: Talking didn't work

Hey there Emily,

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this, but I'm glad that you at least have your supportive sister on your side. It's unfortunate that your mother reacted in that way, but it may not have to prevent you from telling the people you want to tell. As Holly said, you could tell your teacher that your mum already knows, but is unwilling for you to tell others about the sexual assault. I'm not sure how things work at your school, but at some in the UK, they will have a guidance counsellor who is bound by confidentiality to you. For others, the nurses at school (provided that they are under NHS), have that same duty of confidentiality. Therefore, you can open up to them and ask for possible referrals for counselling, if possible.

I hope this helped somewhat and feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk!

Kyra :)

Re: Talking didn't work

As it's been said, the denial could allow this person to carry on as normal. Additionally, people who harm others don't always see what they've done as wrong because they are ill. So it's possible he doesn't see or understand what he did to you as wrong and is continuing to live his life like nothing happened.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom's reaction. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone about what you've been through and being disregarded like that is damaging. However, as someone has said, don't let your mom's reaction keep you from telling other people about your experiences. There are many reasons as to why your mom could have reacted the way she did, but not everyone will have the same reaction. I think you should consider telling someone about this so you can get it out of your system and have the support you deserve.

School administration does usually call your parents in a situation like this, however, you're eighteen, so they shouldn't have to. You can remind them of that to see if that keeps them from calling your mom. You can also explain that your abuse is in the past so they're less likely to report, and you can tell them that your mom will only hinder your health and recovery. I know some schools do not call home if parents are part of the issue or if they're too negative.