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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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extremely embarrassed.. - September 4th 2016, 12:20 AM

yesterday in class i had a major breakdown. like i started crying and i just couldn't stop.
i was sitting at a table with three of my friends so they all obviously saw.

earlier that day i called a rape crisis center hotline, just to talk to somebody about what happened to me freaking six months ago. i really just wanted to know if i was supposed to be over it by now, because it's been half a year.

i think i'm still so messed up about it because i really haven't even allowed myself to think about it. i've been blocking it out and pretty much doing anything but confronting how i really feel about all this. so now that everyone seems to be expecting me to accept it, and i'm starting to consider if i should have accepted it by now, i think it's opening up how screwed up i really am about it and..
idk i'm just a huge mess.

so i cried on the phone and for a bit when i was walking to my next class, and i think people in that class could tell i had been crying.

and then later in the class with my friends, my rapist came in with his friends (he and his friends always stare me down in the halls, he'll usually get wayyy too close for comfort to walk past me, or he'll try to talk to me, and they'll all laugh and high five him because they know..) and they were talking to the teacher.
one of my friends told me that he calls him a rapist every time he sees him in the halls.
and my friends were just talking shit on him.
and i saw him talking to one of my favorite teachers.
and i just lost it, honestly.

just the fact that this teacher is talking to a fucking rapist, and she has no idea.
she's joking with him and they're all having a good time, as if he didn't destroy my life.

so i put my head down on my desk to try and take control so nobody would see, but the tears just kept coming and coming.
and my friend apologized for triggering me. (he didn't mean it in a joking way, but i'm most used to seeing the "triggered" memes and jokes on the internet) so i wanted to clarify what i was really sad about, and that it wasn't his fault.

so i looked up to try and explain myself, teary eyed but they weren't streaming down my face yet, and i just couldn't get the words out. i lost it.
my friend immediately got up and hugged me, and the friend sitting next to me just rubbed my arm.
and the teacher saw.
and i'm pretty sure a lot of my classmates saw.

i couldn't stop crying for a good 10-20 minutes. luckily, about 10 minutes in to me trying and failing to control my fucking self, i got called in to the counselor's office for something about my schedule.
so then i took a few more minutes out of class just to cool down in the bathroom and clean myself up.

but yeah, it was just so embarrassing.
like i know that my friends aren't going to judge me for it, and i don't really think anyone in that class judged me.
obviously i was extremely upset, and most students there are pretty mature for our age.
so i'm not worried about being bullied or teased or anything, but that doesn't make it any less embarrassing.

especially because i've cried in front of literally one person in my entire life, and it was one of my closest friends, a few weeks after i was raped.
that was the first and only time i've let someone see me cry, and have been able to cry on someone's shoulder.

i'm just ashamed of how ugly i must've looked. especially since all my makeup came off in the process.
idk.


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Re: extremely embarrassed.. - September 4th 2016, 02:14 PM

Did you find the hotline helpful? Maybe you can continue to call it when you're struggling and over time you'll have the familiarity with it which could be helpful. I'm not sure what they said, but there is no timeline for healing. Everyone's experiences and reactions with this sort of thing are very individual and it takes time to heal. You have to go at your own pace, so take as long as you need to process everything and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It's understandable that you've been blocking things out and avoiding confronting it. What you went through was horrible and processing it, talking about it, or even thinking about it, can bring up a lot of unpleasant emotions that are difficult to cope with on your own. It could also be that you just aren't ready (consciously or unconsciously) to process it yet. In that case, you'll process it when you're ready and working on making things more comfortable and bearable in the meantime could be beneficial.

I know that crying can seem inconvenient and embarrassing, especially if you aren't able to cry in an environment that makes you feel safe. But the crying itself probably released a lot of bottled up emotion and it could help ease your pain later on, since it might not have helped immediately. Your feelings are your feelings. You can't help how you feel. I know crying can be embarrassing but try to remind yourself that it's okay to cry.

I am glad you don't feel as though you were judged by your teacher or classmates, though it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. In the future, would it help if you could get up and go to the bathroom or take a walk around the hall for a while? Or maybe you can think of a happy memory or something that distracts you from other things in your mind.

I'm here if you want to talk.


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Re: extremely embarrassed.. - September 5th 2016, 02:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
Did you find the hotline helpful? Maybe you can continue to call it when you're struggling and over time you'll have the familiarity with it which could be helpful. I'm not sure what they said, but there is no timeline for healing. Everyone's experiences and reactions with this sort of thing are very individual and it takes time to heal. You have to go at your own pace, so take as long as you need to process everything and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It's understandable that you've been blocking things out and avoiding confronting it. What you went through was horrible and processing it, talking about it, or even thinking about it, can bring up a lot of unpleasant emotions that are difficult to cope with on your own. It could also be that you just aren't ready (consciously or unconsciously) to process it yet. In that case, you'll process it when you're ready and working on making things more comfortable and bearable in the meantime could be beneficial.

I know that crying can seem inconvenient and embarrassing, especially if you aren't able to cry in an environment that makes you feel safe. But the crying itself probably released a lot of bottled up emotion and it could help ease your pain later on, since it might not have helped immediately. Your feelings are your feelings. You can't help how you feel. I know crying can be embarrassing but try to remind yourself that it's okay to cry.

I am glad you don't feel as though you were judged by your teacher or classmates, though it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. In the future, would it help if you could get up and go to the bathroom or take a walk around the hall for a while? Or maybe you can think of a happy memory or something that distracts you from other things in your mind.
this is my third or fourth time calling the hotline, so i do find them somewhat helpful. however, on this particular day i really didn't have any questions in mind or anything, and i feel like that's kind of something you need in order to call these people. i don't know if they'd be okay with just comforting someone.
and it was actually really spontaneous of me to call them. i don't think i realized i was calling until they picked up and i was talking to them. which is weird, i've been doing a lot of things just on a whim, kind of without even realizing it. what's scariest is when i do it while driving. like i'll be planning to go straight because that's the way i need to go, and right when i get to the intersection i turn right instead. .__. like wtf. (idk why i added that, i just find it kind of weird that i'm doing spontaneous things a lot lately. not sure if it's related to how messed up i'm feeling or not.)

so yeah i just asked them questions about reporting, and i'm not even remotely ready to report it, so i have no idea why i asked about it as if i was going to. then after that i asked i guess what i really wanted to know, which is if it was okay i was still so traumatized by what happened half a year ago.
so yes haha, overall i did find it helpful, i guess. i really just feel like i would make a lot more progress with an actual counselor, but i'm nervous about the whole "mandated reporter" thing for staff members in schools.

and yeah, i wish i could've just left the class for a few minutes, but unfortunately i was in a class with the only teacher who still treats us like we're in elementary school. so she has bathroom passes you need to fill out and get her to sign, and you lose points for using the passes. i already suck at this class, and getting up teary eyed right UP in front of everyone i think would kinda make it worse.

but if it does happen again, i'll try thinking happy thoughts.. though it's hard when the only thought pounding in the back of my mind is the memory of my abuse.


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Re: extremely embarrassed.. - September 5th 2016, 03:47 AM

Doing things spontaneously can have to do with how you're feeling, especially because you said you don't always realize it. Do you struggle with dissociation or numbness? If you do, doing things without realizing or sometimes without having the memory of doing them can be partly because of dissociation.

You could always ask them if they'd be okay with just letting you vent whenever you feel like you need to, and if not, if they could give you any resources or additional hotlines to use.

Having things reported can be scary. You might be able to be vague enough so that you can get help. You can tell a school counselor or staff member that you experienced a trauma in the past and would like to get some support and advice, or that you're feeling something (related to trauma without disclosing it) such as depression or anxiety and would like some new skills.

The same goes for additional help during class. You can tell your teachers enough (or even have your counselor tell them) so that they know you're going through something and need some extra leeway. Some schools offer a pass that you can take to the counselor's office, the nurse's office, or you can just walk around the halls with it.

It is really hard to try to think of something that made you safe because remembering abuse makes you feel anything but safe. Maybe you can write down what you're thinking about or remembering? I used to do this in school a lot because it looked like I was taking notes and I never got into any trouble.


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The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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