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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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The Darkness Offline
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Angry He reaccurs - March 30th 2017, 06:22 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

if this is incoherent I sorry because I'm really not ok and I don't understand evnything right now
so right now I'm listening to music my aibuser would listen to, why because its my form of sefl harm.
qhat did he do? he was my boufrined and he was emotionally abusive. he wold make fun of me and make me feel very veryb little. it was a strange relationship because sometimes he would act as if he hates me but then be very sweet. he would go on making fun of all ia m and then when I would cry he would be sweet and kind and the best bowyfriend I ever had an give me gifts
but the one night we were chilling in my room and he stucj his hand down my pants and asked inf I wanted to have sex ith him. I didn't want to but I was afraid he wold get mad at me if I sais no so I said I don't know and he said ill keep my hand right here until I get a answer, so I eventayally said ok and we had sex
I didn't think mucj of it but after I didn't want anyone to touch me. and when he would touch e I would feel disgusting nd horrible and gross.
eventually when he found my mental illness to be too much for him to handel he left me
months later I realized this ws sexual assault. some friends say it can even be considered rape but it scares me to think of him as rapeist
I ahvent faced it in theraly mich because I am scared to face it and I dnt know
iw ant to die right now because I feel so awdul. or maybe go outside at night rnight now ans down myself in the lake nearby, a cold embrace to this poor, disgusting, delusioned, broken and abused body.
I'm scared ov everything and I just wnana take my life. think my hallucinations are comin back and all I wanna so is go to my abusers house and kill him. I want to stab him in the chest and slice his arms the way id id when he lef me and make it seem like he killed himself. or actually psychologically torture him until he wants to kill himself the way he did to me
its almost as if I want to kidnap him, psychologically and physically torture him, castrate him, then send him out to the world ahain and then make him wanna kill himself.
and then kill myself
I just don't wanna live though this anytmore, he torments my every waking moment. he made me make him my entireworld and then he crushed it entirely
he found a center in me
he chewed it up and left
I trusted him
I trusted him
I trusted him

and he raped and abused me


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: He reaccurs - March 30th 2017, 01:47 PM

Hey,

I am sorry you're struggling so much right now. What you went through can be considered sexual assault or rape but if you don't want to think of him as a rapist, that is okay. That word in itself can be shocking. It might help for you to define your experience in a way that makes you feel most comfortable.

You don't have to face it if you are not ready. Being forced to face your experience before you're ready can be damaging. Just bear in mind that everyone copes and heals in their own time. There is no amount of time that can be considered right or wrong.

It is normal to have thoughts of harming your abuser. Many people have these thoughts; they're commonly used as an outlet. Having thoughts like that can be a good outlet, but do take notice of your thoughts if they start to get worse. If you feel like you are going to harm him or harm yourself, you can try reaching out to someone so you're not alone any longer.

It can be really hard to see the other side of this. Sometimes you don't see it at all, other times you get a glimpse and then it is taken away from you. You said he made you make him your entire world, and then crushed it entirely. Try to remember that this won't last forever. You will make it to the other side and you can build your world up again when you are ready.

Take care of yourself.


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The Darkness Offline
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Re: He reaccurs - April 1st 2017, 11:39 AM

Hey,
Thanks for the reply. I was heavily dissociating when I wrote this so I don't even remember what my intention was in writing this, but thank you for attempting to piece it together.
This entire situation happened about a year ago, so it's not like it's fresh in my mind anymore. It's a redundant old thing, and, when I'm in a clearer headspace, I do switch between just calling him an abuser and calling him a rapist. I know that it is hard for me to admit that he's a rapist, if you knew him he seems like the least likely person to even hurt a fly. But, I mean, that's how all abusive tropes go, right?
The reason why I want to face this now in therapy is because, frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of giving him all my energy and mindspace that it's damaging my entire world still. In some ways, I feel he's still abusing me. I don't know if it's the right time or not, and I'm not really determining on other people's recovery because I acknowledge that people recover in different ways, but like I said, I'm tired. I just want to face it and be over with, and I know that's rushing the process, but I don't really know.
The idea that nothing is permenant really scares me mostly because that's with everything. Eventually, pain will ease, but happiness will fade, and then we all die. Does that not terrify you?
My world has become being the person that helps others, because that's what I'm going to do with my career after graduation. But, I just don't feel fulfilled anymore with that. Not with the feeling that he took all the life out of me and fueled me with anger and hatred and deep empathy for those with similar experiences. Not to mention, deep psychological scars that I fear I may never recover from.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
Verbal venom.

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Re: He reaccurs - April 2nd 2017, 10:56 PM

It can definitely be hard to come to terms with the fact that someone is a rapist. It can be hard to call them that if you're having trouble accepting your experience, but it can also be difficult in that many abusers disguise their tendencies as you have mentioned. Maybe referring to him as a rapist over time will help you come to terms with that eventually.

Something to consider about facing it in therapy is that there may never be a right time to face it. I think some people have a defining moment when they feel ready, but others never feel ready. For instance, I sometimes struggle with being ready to face things but I frequently tell myself that I have to "learn to fly on the way down" because I know I'll never be ready otherwise.

That sounds like a lovely career; I think you will be able to take your experiences and make them into something worthwhile by helping people. Recovery from abuse is subjective; I personally think that those scars remain and you have to live with them, but they do fade. I think yours will fade and the life he removed from you will return someday.

Struggling with with dissociation can be very unpleasant, so know I am thinking of you and hoping you're okay.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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