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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Bree
Age: 22
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Join Date: September 16th 2012

Stuck - June 27th 2017, 12:53 PM

I am very hesitant to make this post, but I feel like I have no where else to come to. My boyfriend and I have been off and on for a year now, and I feel like I should leave him. Actually, I've ALWAYS felt like I shouldn't be with him because our opinions and views differ very much, and he is very abrasive. But, me being me, I have to go and fall in love and hope they change. Anyways. This man has a wonderful side to him, he has real potential. However, I think I need to get out now. He has said and done abusive things, always blames me for problems, he's not always wrong, I do mess up, but literally every problem or things he's done it's my fault. Just right now, our THREE MONTH old puppy went pee on the carpet, and she walked into the bathroom probably do go more and he literally ran in there and she started screaming and he was yelling. I was in the other room and ran after yelling at him to not hurt her, and he says," well if you had trained the dog not to go pee on the carpet this wouldn't have happened." Her puppy pad is full, so I imagine she wanted somewhere else to go. He woke up very late and mad this morning, and I assume that's why he went after the dog. That is just one example of things he's done to her as well.

I don't want to bring too much of the past into this but I'd like to go over some things he has said and done. He has always been rough and likes to push physical boundaries as well. He once told me to do something sexually I said no to, and he 'spanked' me, hard. I yelled at him and he literally said if I had just done what he told me to do I wouldn't have gotten hit. He GENUINELY believes that is ok. He also lied to me for four months straight. The last time we broke up was because he told me, a month or so later after taking my virginity, that he wanted to sleep with other people and when I said 'no' obviously, he told me it wasn't my choice. So after a long fight I broke up with him. A month later we get back together, he swore up and down he was changed and never had alex with anyone. Well, four months later he told me he lied and that he DID have sex with someone, unprotected might I add. All of this I let slide and just accepted. Not easily obviously, I gave him hell, but still accepted.

It was only now when I saw him treat the dog this way it just hit me, I need to be done with this. And that isn't the only stuff he's done to animals. He forgot to feed the cat and the fish, the fish sometimes for days. So I took the fish to live with my grandma and made sure I took care of the cat. He never cleaned the litter box, always had the cat outside. And then a huge storm rolled around in our city and he left the cat outside, meowing at the door, freezing. I yelled and cried and pleading but it wasn't my house or cat, and he refused to bargain with me and made me keep the cat outside. After hours of debating I got him to get rid of the cat to a loving family. I wasn't about to let that happen.

So yeah. I need advice, opinions, encouragement? Am I being a big baby? It's not like it's all bad with him, there have been great times as well and a very very deep love connection. I just don't knew the difference on if I'm settling or if I'm just working through issues in a relationship. Anyways, thank you all for the read...

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: Stuck - June 27th 2017, 11:06 PM

Hi Bree,

You aren't a baby at all. You have the right to feel the way you do about what you've been experiencing.

You said it isn't all bad with him but you've always felt like you shouldn't be with him and that you'd like to get out of it now. It may help to trust your gut in regards to leaving him. Usually, your instinct is a helpful aid.

Feel free to keep us updated.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Stuck - June 29th 2017, 07:11 AM

You are definitely in an abusive relationship and in most cases the abuse gets worse as time goes on.

He told you that you had no say in whether or not he slept with other people and the fact of the matter is that something like that is a decision that both parties in the relationship have to talk about and decide if they can do it. There are a lot of people who are able to have open relationships but both people agree to it and talk about boundaries.

He spanked you because you would not perform a sexual act that he wanted. That is inappropriate and in my opinion it counts as physical abuse. When it comes to sex both parties need to be comfortable with the things they are doing. If one partner is not comfortable with something then they should be respected.

He is abusive to animals and it seems like he uses the animals to kind of manipulate you (The cat is an example of this; he knew you were upset by it and he kept pressing the issue because he wanted to hurt you).

I know that leaving someone you love can be hard but the truth is that most people who are abusive have a really hard time changing. There are people who can change but in order for an abusive person to change they have to be able to see that they are abusive, accept the fact that they need help and seek out therapy and groups for abusive partners/spouses. I remember once learning that the classes available to those abusive people have a very small chance of helping them.

You can't change him. He has to be the one to make the change and put in the effort.

If you ever want to chat please feel free to message me.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: Stuck - June 29th 2017, 05:55 PM

You're not a baby at all. It can be so hard to decide to leave a relationship, when you are conflicted knowing that they don't treat you right, but also knowing they have potential and feeling in love with them.

Spanking for not performing a sexual act is abusive. Spanking can be seen as a 'kink' but at the same time it still needs consent from both people, otherwise it is just physical abuse. This is especially true if your boyfriend was using spanking as a punishment.

It's interesting that you link your boyfriends attitude towards pets with how he treats you. It sounds like he has abusive and neglectful tendencies both with you and animals.

If you feel that you should leave him, then maybe you should seriously consider it. As it's been said abusive people are unlikely to change, and if they do, it's something they need to do themselves.

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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
del677 Offline
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Re: Stuck - July 1st 2017, 08:03 AM

He obviously has issues he needs to deal with. This is more than just "relationship" issues. These are issues which he would need to work on for a period of several years to seriously change. First it's probably not his fault he's that way, I'm imagining he comes from a broken family, had a rough childhood, he learned to be aggressive as a child in order to survive, it's a survival pattern he learned as a child, possibly his father was an alcoholic, and was abusive to him, so he learned to be abusive to others. It's a pattern that takes time to break.

Unfortunately the first step in breaking these patterns is often the person has to lose everything they cherish and love most dearly. You may have to leave him permanently, for good, both for your own good, because being around that kind of endless anger can wear on you and eventually break you down, it's bad for your health; and ultimately if he's ever going to start his journey of recovery, he needs to see that good people simply will not put up with his s**t; good people just walk away and do the "release with love", releasing them, hoping that they will begin their journey of self-recovery, wishing them well, while keeping a safe distance.

He ultimately could start to heal himself if he took a class in Qi-Gong, or Tai-Chi, or Yoga, or Mindfulness Meditation. If he's not willing to do that, if he can't even admit that he has a problem, then he's at step 1 of the 12 steps, which is admitting he has a problem that he can't control, and he might want to seek out a 12 step recovery program. (Those programs work because of the commradery the groups produce over time. The people heal each other by their presence.)

If you haven't been in may relationships, and don't have many to compare with, this is definitely not a normal relationship. He's stressed to the max. He may even be a secret drug user or alcoholic, as they often act this way, in which case, there are NA or AA groups he can go to, where he will find very kind and caring people who will help him in his recovery.

Best wishes, and I hope your future relationships are much better. You are a very kind and caring person to stay with this man for so long.
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
teensavior Offline
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Re: Stuck - July 14th 2017, 01:38 PM

I think you should talk to him and talk to your relatives. If it will be abusive again is much better to go away
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