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TH Anonymous Offline
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This is on my mind so much - January 27th 2018, 10:25 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

[SIZE="a"]Certain things in my life are bringing up feelings. It is hard to go into detail without breaking my anonymity so I apologize if there's confusion at some point. So I might also write a post on a different part of this site. But for now I'm anonymous. Anyway...the primary unhealthy person in my life is my father. My sisters are unhealthy to be around too though. Sometimes the dynamics is as such that my father pits one or more of my sisters against me. Sometimes they do it on their own though because they dont realize how they treat me is wrong. They believe that I'm the overly sensitive one. Which sucks because my "over sensitive" perspective is usually what validates each of them when they are the ones feeling victimized.
Let's just put it this way: I feel extremely betrayed, taken advantage of ,disrespected, misunderstood, taken for granted and used/reduced to the things I can do to benefit them rather than seen as a human being, by all my sisters, father and family overall.

Now, two of my close friends also have dysfunctional families but their families are way more physical than mine. My family used to be physical but for the most part are not. As of late, my father would do certain physical things to me. He would also simply violate my boundaries by touching me when I dont want to be touched, tickling me after I tell him stop repeatedly, and "messaging" my back, when I tell him to stop. I was told by professionals that this seemed creepy and a little sexual.

We also used to share the same room, only a couple of feet apart from each other, on separate beds. I have these intrusive thoughts that he'd hurt me sexually. But I don't really have a reason to because he has never sexually abused me. He has only made sexual jokes, and has vulgar language and done the grooming behaviors but has not touched me in my private area for instance.

Then there's the fact that he used to hit me as a child while I was naked in the bath. This was a common place.

My uncle would do certain not directly sexual things like tickling uncontrollably and hitting me on my butt. Or just being careless and overall disrespectful about my body and my privacy. This is how my father is too. I tell him to knock on the door before entering my room and he gets angry and continues to barge in. I ask him to not look at what I'm doing while I'm on the computer, he then starts circling around me on purpose and does certain mocking behavior like he would stick his face near me but then say "I'm not looking at what you're doing" and he clearly has no purpose in staring at the speakers near the computer I'm using. It makes no sense....he never in his life stares at a speaker and he'd do completely immature things like that. I cannot speak to him. If I tried being assertive or speak up about my needs, he uses my request to make it even more difficult for me. He goes out of his way to push my boundaries even more.

Lately, someone confided in me that last time they've argued with their parent, the parent choked them.

Now my father has never choked me. He has in the past, covered my mouth shut. He has thrown things, he has threatened.

He has lifted my sister when she was like 4 years old and spun her around in circles till she stopped crying.

My older sister says he would be violent with our mother. But I dont know if that's true. Plus my mother was not the most stable person.

Regardless. Something that sticks with me is the time in 2015 I believe it was, I got into a huge fight with one of my sisters. The way she was treating me felt so unbearable. So when she walked past me and brushed my elbow, I thought she was doing it on purpose. I thought she intended on shoving me.
And at the time, when I was in such deep emotional pain, the physical pain felt much more than it probably was. And I lost control and started physically hurting my sister.

My father in an attempt to restrain me, he grapped me by my arms and spun me around the room. I instantly became dizzy and disoriented. He then left me on the floor. I was bruised up from all the furniture I bumped into.

Since then I have apologized profusely to that sister. I told her how deeply sorry I was. And that I regret getting physical.

But at the same time she continues to do mean things. She continues to bully me.

At this point we are not on bad terms, but being on "good terms" is when she starts insulting me, making rude comments, snide remarks, starts doing and saying controlling things.

Like she criticized me for having long hair and told me it was ugly and wanted to chop it off.

I mean, it adds up eventually. And if I were to say anything, you know what would happen? She would play a victim in the situation and tell me she feels so misunderstood and attacked.

My father does this too.

My two other sisters do this.

My relatives do this.

I end up doing a lot of the emotional work. I end up apologizing. I end up taking back how I feel in order to protect her and not have her angry at me. Because all I want is understanding, and not for her to hate me for it. I want her to learn from what I'm telling her instead of holding a grudge on me for having emotions.

I mean we talked about it but everytime, it's her walking away feeling more understand and feeling better and validated and she tells me this and she tells me so. And I walk away feeling happy she feels better. But then as time goes on, the next day or so, I start replaying the conversation and realizing how I still feel very misunderstood and I still feel like she did not hear me out, she did not care about my feelings, she did not indicate she will make an effort for next time.

Okay I guess that part was just a rant.

I guess I'm just in a spot that I have memories of being physically abused. And I have that isolated incident of my father restraining me, which no one sees as abusive because he apparently was rescuing my sister.

Since the 2015 restrain, my father has hurt me physically. He has slapped me, he has stepped on my bare feet, he has put immense pressure on my head that was really painful. And I'm afraid he will hurt me again but it is probably irrational.

He would never choke me for instance. He does neglect though. Like he has my foodstamp under his name because he's head of household so he is in charge of buying the food and got very livid when he found out I was considering applying for food stamp on my own (which turns out I couldn't do because I'm part of his household) but he has refused to bring food home. Or he would single me out in other ways, by hiding the food, or cooking enough for everyone but me and also using the stove for long periods of time.

Last time he hurt me physically, I remember I was feeling like he hasn't hurt me physically in a while and that I deserved physical punishment. I was even craving it. Everytime I hear or see physical things happen to my friends, I start wishing it was on me instead. It is similar with news stories about sexual abuse. I start wishing I can take it away from the victim and have it on me instead.

Sometimes I have intrusive thoughts that my father will rape me but it doesn't make sense. But in a way, it is more like "emotional incest" which is a form of emotional abuse. And the fact he was sharing a bedroom with me. He treats me like i'm my sisters' mother and his wife. But other times he treats me like I'm his mother too. Professionals noticed this dynamic and I am working on moving out. But in the meantime, how can I cope with these distressing thoughts?

Also, the last time I was sexually assaulted was May of 2017.But then recently I was bullied because of my mixed ethnic background. But the staff have somewhat addressed it so I kind of processed it.
I have been sexually assaulted several times, all of which had to do with me going to different places, trying to make a way for myself to escape from my family so it always have felt like a punishment for "cheating" on my father/family. But I feel like I dont have enough reason to leave. Because if I did, there'd be legal action I can take to protect myself and there isn't. And I feel like I *deserve* more severe abuse and shouldn't even think of leaving till it is more severe. Because I'm being ridiculous. And because i'm questioning myself. Professionals say my anger is justified. But it's like I am still shaming and blaming myself for the way things are.

I dont know why I wish severely violent things to happen to myself. Like with the intrusive thoughts about being raped. It's distressing and I dont really want it but I also do want it because feel like I deserve the pain and I feel like I have to "give myself something to cry about" because of how stupid I am being upset over non-physical things.[/size]
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Re: This is on my mind so much - January 28th 2018, 03:12 PM

You do have a reason to think that your father could hurt you more physically or harm you sexually. He has done physical things before and things that toe the line of sexual and that is reason enough to have those intrusive thoughts and fears.

Did talking about that one memory of abuse help you cope? Maybe you can share the others with us or write them down, or blog about them somewhere so the memories aren't in your mind anymore.

It is probably hard to accept your abuse but you certainly have plenty of reason to leave given all you have been through. It is hard to recover when you're still around your abusers so the acceptance about your abuse may come to you when you're no longer around them.

Intrusive thoughts are really hard to cope with. Perhaps you can write them down and then try not to give them the attention that they want. You could also think of an affirmation to say when they appear. One of mine is "This is just an expression of my OCD."

Here if you need anything.

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Re: This is on my mind so much - January 29th 2018, 05:17 PM

Hey there,

Your feelings are valid and I understand why you are questioning these things. As Cassie has said, you do have reason to believe he might do more because he has done these things in the past. I think the thing to remember is that when we are abused we continue to anticipate more abuse (or we can) especially if we are still dealing with the people who abused us. I know, I still anticipate abuse even though I know I tend to be in a safer environment than I was back when I was being abused.

I hope that talking about your abuse helped you cope. I know that processing things like that can take a while though so it might help if you continue to work on processing things?

You do have a valid reason for leaving. It sounds like the current living situation is not safe and you deserve to be safe! I know it can be hard to accept the abuse and to accept that you don't deserve it. Just remind yourself that you do not deserve it and if you need help reminding yourself of that maybe you could reach out here or reach out to your friends.

I hope this helped and I am wishing you the best of luck.

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