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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Am I aloud to feel this way? - June 21st 2018, 06:38 AM

So I will start of by saying I was going back and forth between putting this here and friend&family because it relates to both. But I think I may get more answers here. But if it needs to be moved feel free.

So as some of you know Ron(sperm donor) mentally, verbally, sexually abused me and neglected me when I would go over to him and my moms on the weekend. He was also all those things to Meghan except sexual. Ron has gotten a facebook in the last year and Meghan has found the new feature on the FB chat app where you can video call people. She has been video calling him and talking to him all the time. I know Meghan doesn't really understand what he did was wrong(for you that don't know she is Mentally disabled). But it bugs me so much that she talks to him, one of the main reasons is because she talks to him when my mom is around so she hears everything and then she repeats the whole conversation for Nanny in front of me. I fucking HATE hearing his name or knowing anything about him. I mean he is the reason I started SHing in the first place at the age of fine, he's one of the reasons why I have C-PTSD, and Borderline. It pisses me off so damn much. I don't even know if I am aloud to feel this way. Like do you think it's okay to feel this way? Or should I have moved past all the shit he did to me and all that he caused? This is causing me so much distress. I actually have tears in my eyes writing this because I honestly don't know if I am aloud to feel this way.

So Meghan also talks to Paula are "step-mom". I am really pissed at this as well. She started dating Ron when she was 14 years old and her parents let her. But then she sticks by him and says there is no way he molested me and god knows what else(since I've blocked those memories out). Like seriously how the fuck can she say that when he was like in his late 30's early 40's when they started dating? Ugh I mean she is only 7 fucking years older than Meghan and 9 older than me that is fucking gross. Again I don't know if I am aloud to be this upset with her. I mean she never did anything to me, but then again she is the one that pushed him to try and get visitation and they reason I had to have fucking supervised visits with him, then phone calls until I was 18 and all of this caused more harm. Like is it okay to feel this way? Or should I have moved past all of this already?

I just have no idea if what I am feeling is okay. Especially since I don't remember a lot of the things he did to me, I do remember something though.


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Re: Am I aloud to feel this way? - June 21st 2018, 08:58 PM

Hey Frankie, I am so sorry this is happening to you right now. I believe your feelings and thoughts are totally valid! This man abused you and your sister for years and has somehow found his way back into your life. It doesn't matter if 20 years have passed since then, moments of abuse stay with us for the rest of our lives. There's no time limit on how long we can be angry or upset about the abuse that happened to us. Hell, I'm just beginning to come to terms with abuse (non sexual) that happened to me when I was eight or nine, and I'm 33 now! I'm never going to forget it, but trying to step outside the box and see the bigger picture can help a bit.

Of course, that does not work for everyone. Especially survivors of sexual abuse. Something that has been helping me is journaling and talking to my counselor about the abuse at each session, and she has been trying to make me see that while what I feel or think are valid, I'm not a worthless retard like my abusers said I was.

I know blogging isn't quite the same as posting on the forms in term of reaching out for advice; but that might be a good outlet if you choose.
   
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Re: Am I aloud to feel this way? - June 24th 2018, 02:02 PM

You are entitled to your feelings.

This person abused you, and it's natural to feel anger at this person, despite the fact that Meghan keeps in touch with him. Since your mom repeats the conversation to nanny, maybe you could ask your mom that if she wants to tell nanny about the conversation that Meghan had, that she doesn't talk about it in front of you?

I am also sorry to hear about Paula saying that Ron couldn't have molested you. Sometimes people only want to hear what they want and won't accept that people they know and like have done terrible things. Since she was 14 when they got together, it may be that she doesn't want to think of herself as young vulnerable- like you were- and so is in denial about his behaviour. However, what happened to you, is nothing to do with Paula. You are more than within your right to feel upset about this as you know what you experienced, even if you can't remember all of it. You know the suffering that he caused so it's natural to get angry and upset about what Paula has said.

You are allowed to feel this way though, and you aren't expected to just 'move on' from any of it.


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