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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Sexually confused between guys and girl! - February 28th 2020, 06:26 PM

Since my rape, I have been closer to girls now and feel that the only way I will have sex anymore is with a girl. I have gotten close to a couple guys over the last year but the moment i see their penis or them just naked i just freeze and close down. I never try to actually have sex, just isn't going to happen. I haven't had sex with a guy since my rape but I want to.

I have also gotten closer to a friend of mine who is a girl, and it's been awkward at times as i never considered myself a lesbian or bi, but being with her is so much easier that being said I have no idea what i am doing, i just like the touching and kissing and just feeling another body against mine. I like the idea she doesn't have a penis which is what scares me the most.

That said, is this good for me? I mean I am torn between trying to have sex with a guy and i guess trying to be a lesbian so i can have sex with someone?? I am very confused on what I am doing. What feels right and what feels wrong are so intertwined and now what feels right is wrong and what is wrong feels right? Any help?
   
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Re: Sexually confused between guys and girl! - February 28th 2020, 08:52 PM

First of all, no matter what your sexual orientation, it's okay. Straight, lesbian, bi...there's no "wrong." It's all perfectly okay. So I hope you don't worry about that any longer.

It's very possible for sexual assault to affect sexuality, especially when it happens in those developmental stages (teen years). Honestly? I would just enjoy what you enjoy and not worry about what it means. You may not feel comfortable having sex with a guy again, but my suspicion is if you are straight (again, don't worry about the label right now), you will at some point want to try it. As for what you do with your friend, it sounds like a comfortable and enjoyable thing. As long as you're into it I wouldn't worry about whether that means you have to be a lesbian. People experiment a LOT before they figure it out, especially in their youth, and sometimes the exploring never stops. I mean I'm almost thirty and my sexuality has changed so much since I was eighteen. You're going to grow a lot, and I wouldn't waste my worrying on it.

Again, I suggest you see a therapist. They may be able to better help you puzzle out these queries. You might be surprised at how beneficial it is.

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Re: Sexually confused between guys and girl! - February 29th 2020, 07:38 PM

This is just my opinion here, but I wouldn't worry about having sex with either a male or a female until you've worked out some of your issues regarding your rape. Sexual trauma can affect us in many ways, including whom we want to be with.

I have been sexually abused by 2 male family members. I knew I was attracted to females from the age of around 13, but I was in denial. I came out as gay at the age of 16. However, I ended up having my first sexual experience with a guy at the age of 20. I've had more intimacy with men than I have women, but still continue to identify as gay as it's 'easier' for me. I don't mind hugs, kisses, and intimacy with men now that I've accepted the trauma and abuse that happened to me growing up, but I know I could never be in a long-term relationship with one. Ultimately I prefer to be with women because it's easier for me to connect with the same sex, than the opposite.

People label me as bisexual due to my sexual history, but that's their label and I'd never choose it. I simply go with how I feel... which is again, a strong preference to females. I'd rather not give the impression that I'd be ok settling down in a long-term relationship with a man, when I know I never could.

Everyone is different. What we choose to label ourselves is up to us and no one else, but sexuality is quite fluid. Don't worry about what you 'may' or 'may not' be at the moment. Just take things one day at a time.


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Re: Sexually confused between guys and girl! - March 4th 2020, 04:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rivière View Post
This is just my opinion here, but I wouldn't worry about having sex with either a male or a female until you've worked out some of your issues regarding your rape. Sexual trauma can affect us in many ways, including whom we want to be with.
I second this.

While there is nothing wrong with feeling your sexuality has changed over the years, and there is nothing wrong with identifying as lesbian, it may also be the case that the trauma you experienced from the rape also plays a role in how you feel about being intimate with males.

It seems that you still want to have a sex life (healthy) but that any time you see a penis or think about whether a person has a penis or not, it scares you (unhealthy). Naturally, you might find yourself still wanting intimacy, but wondering whether you now feel closer to girls, and questioning whether this is something you are going through e.g. exploring your sexuality or whether this is more related to the rape, out of fear and avoidance.

There's nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality as it's not always a fixed thing- it can change. That said, if this is more related to the rape, then it may be in your best interests to seek therapeutic support such as counselling. Sex after rape can be difficult, but you deserve to have safe, healthy and intimate relationships and counselling may be able to help you with these things.


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Re: Sexually confused between guys and girl! - March 4th 2020, 04:26 PM

You're still figuring things out. There's no wrong or right way to swing. You do what feels right for you.


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Re: Sexually confused between guys and girl! - June 3rd 2020, 10:33 AM

I think you should be honest with yourself and do what brings you happiness, regardless of gender.
   
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