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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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What is Wrong with Me? - June 13th 2009, 10:31 AM

Idk if this goes in this forum. I guess it does to a degree, so we're just gonna role with it.

When I was little (6) I was raped by my teenage next-door neighbor. I've vowed never to hurt little kids or anyone like that. But recently, I think my mind has been playing tricks on me or something.

I guess I always just worry about becoming sick like my rapist. I don't want to hurt little kids. But sometimes I get these random thoughts in my head, "That little kid has cute thighs" "They have such a cute face" but then there's this thought that makes me sick that I don't even choose to think, "I'd totally do them." I always reason it out, like "No you wouldn't. If they were your age, then you might. But you'd never do something like that."

Is that something that everyone thinks about? I told my Mom and she said that she looks at younger guys all the time, but I'm thinking, "Yeah but not at little kids."

I don't want to hurt little kids. I love kids. I want to have some of my own some day and make sure that nothing bad such as rape or sexual abuse happens to them.

Why do I think those thoughts? Are they uncontrollable? Are they lust? Are they merely just my mind playing tricks on itself? I don't really understand.

Any time I think these thoughts, I get sick and disgusted with myself and guilty. I don't know if it has anything to do with what happened to me. I don't want to blame it on that because it seems like a lot of things are blamed on what happened to me. Or is it just teenage hormones that are messing with my head.

I'll feel a lot better as soon as someone reassures me or tells me what's wrong!

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Re: What is Wrong with Me? - June 13th 2009, 11:32 AM

I have not been abused personally or really have known anybody personally who has been abused however I do know that it's not uncommon to start to relate to the abuser.
I think what you're going through from being abused is normal.

Studies done by Haywood, Kravitz, Wasyliw, Goldberg and Cavanaugh in 1996 reflect some disturbing sexual abuse effects. The study found that the odds of becoming a child molester were 5.43 times greater for adult male victims of childhood sexual abuse than for adult male non-victims (Lee, Jackson, Pattison, & Ward, 2002, p.8814).
Source: Sexual Abuse Effects

Live and let live.
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Re: What is Wrong with Me? - June 13th 2009, 11:39 AM

I refuse to become the abuser. And I also want to refuse that what happened to me has an affect on me like this. It's already affected me so much, I just want it to stop butting into everything. You know?

I don't want to hurt kids. I don't want sexual relations with kids. I don't want to hurt them at all. I always scold myself and get disgusted when I think about being attracted to them. Or anything like that.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much on it. I've had brief passing thoughts on this before. But I just forgot and moved on- and I could look at a kid ten minutes later and not feel anything. But maybe because I'm beating myself up on it too much and it's just making me worry over nothing.

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Re: What is Wrong with Me? - June 13th 2009, 04:23 PM

You arent a freak and you i don't believe you actually feel this way about them. Its just a side effect of you dealing with your rape. Its not uncommon for victims of rape to identify with their rapists. Its not that you are becoming like him. Its that you are seeing things sometimes like him. I know that that happens with PTSD sometimes. What I would do if you are really concerned is tell someone. Talk to an adult like your mom and tell her you are really concerned about it. Maybe go see someone if it gets worse.
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Re: What is Wrong with Me? - June 14th 2009, 02:00 AM

This is a side effect of your rape like the others have said. Many people go through it. I am not sure why but some people say that it has to do with relating to your rapists other people say it has to do with seeing the innocence in the little kids(innocence that you lost) and envying it. And, actually there could be a lot of different reasons for it.

Here's the thing though; you do not embrace these feelings and you do not act on them so you are in no way like your rapist. Now, I would suggest that you go talk to a professional about these feelings that you are having. Professionals deal with this on a daily basis so they will have the ability to help you work through these thoughts.

I know you don't want to let your rape control you and you want to be done with it but things like that stay with a person forever. They don't have to run your life but you can never completely forget them. You have to accept what happened to you and talk about it and all the effects and move on. I hope that makes sense. I am also not trying to sound unsympathetic. It is just something I have come to realize over the years.

Your rape doesn't have to rule your life even if you talk about it. Please stay strong and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.

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Re: What is Wrong with Me? - June 18th 2009, 06:24 PM

I really appreciate it guys. Thanks! Actually I told my Mom right after I posted this, because it was so early in the morning and no one was answering my post. She said that she thinks I was worrying too much and that it wasn't a weird thing. It was probably just puberty messing with my head some. Plus- I was close to my period so my emotions were off the wall.

I do know that I can never forget what happened to me. I just don't want the memories or the pain to control my life.

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