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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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ladyninetyfour Offline
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Unhappy I Like It Rough - August 8th 2009, 10:57 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I try to cover it up so much. I'm not ready to tell my story yet, sorry, but...
I try to cover up the pain. I joke, I laugh, I boast about the things I've done so people dont see how much it hurts me. So people don't see how used, and dirty, and ashamed I feel.
I'm so used to guys taking advantage of me. It's the only way I get attention - good attention. No one compliments me. No one looks at me. No one but disgusting guys who just want to take. It's the only way someone tells me I look nice. It's the only way someone hugs me, or kisses me... only they always turn into more.
'I like it rough'. That's the way I act. I act turned on when a guy pins me down or is forceful. If he hurts me, I moan, I act like I like it. I never used to, before I was abused, but now I do. I do that so they don't see how upset I am that they're touching me.
I feel stupid. I never got raped. I always managed to escape that. So I feel whingy and stupid for even caring about the way guys have touched me.
I guess I'm asking to get hurt when I act like this. I never acted like this before I was abused. Never. But now I'm just making it easy for more guys to hurt me, just so I can cover up how much the other guys have...
xoxox Bex xoxox


Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


Last SH: 03/08/09
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Re: I Like It Rough - August 8th 2009, 05:30 PM

hi bex,
i know me saying that you don't need a relationship to be happy won't change what you feel, because that wouldn't work on me either.
the problem as i see it is that whilst you crave attention, you're scared of how far it may go and how much it could hurt you. but you can't object, because then you'll lose that attention, and you can't bear that.
partly, it's this need to obey the person you are in a relationship with. because of how much you feel you need to be with them, you let them control you. because of this there's an (how do i say this without sounding patronising?) imbalance of power (ok, i failed). essentially, they have control over you, and a relationship like that is never going to last. you need to relax a little and take it at your own pace.
a relationship has two people, and they have to be equal. once you're equal, you'll stop feeling the need to obey -- and you won't have to put on a brave face when they do something you don't want.
r&r xxx


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ladyninetyfour Offline
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Re: I Like It Rough - August 12th 2009, 03:08 PM

Hmmm... I get what you're saying... But it doesn't help (sorry)... If I stop acting like this, I'll crumble, break down, cry in front of guys. I don't want that either... but I don't want this to carry on. I'm just sort of stuck.
xoxox Bex xoxox


Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


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Re: I Like It Rough - August 12th 2009, 06:21 PM

Bex, it doesn’t matter whether you were actually raped or not, if someone has done something to you that you didn’t want, didn’t like, didn’t feel comfortable with or didn’t agree to then it is wrong and you didn’t deserve it. I don’t think that you should compare what you have been through, or say ‘well, I wasn’t raped so I can’t say anything’ because it was still wrong. Your pain is valid and important and you deserve help and support. You’re certainly not whining and you’re not stupid either.

I think that you’re starting to find that even though you can cover up your pain from other people, you can’t hide it from yourself. No matter what picture you paint on the outside, it doesn’t change the hurt and pain you’re feeling on the inside. Have you got any close friends who you can talk to about how you’re feeling? I understand it’s difficult when you don’t have someone around you telling you, but having sex with someone isn’t the only way to feel special and cared about. You are a special and important person who deserves to be cared about, without having to do anything with anyone. You have the right to say no and to still feel loved. That is your right.

I know you said that you don’t feel able to tell your story yet and that’s ok. No one here is going to make you talk about anything that you aren’t ready to, but please know that whenever you feel ready, whether it’s to say everything or just a little that there will always be someone here willing to listen and support you. Your voice deserves to be heard. Take care and know that you’re not alone with any of this.
   
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Re: I Like It Rough - August 15th 2009, 08:45 PM

Thanks Ellie...
xoxox Bex xoxox


Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


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Re: I Like It Rough - August 19th 2009, 05:20 PM

its weird... i just posted the same kinda thread in addictions... cuz i didnt know if it was a sex addiction. i know what your going through i feel the same exact way!!!! its really hard to deal with. but i want u to know ur not the only one going through this... if u want to PM me feel free cuz im the SAME way!!

i will def b here 2 tlk 2 u if u need 2
   
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