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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Mason Offline
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My girl - November 7th 2009, 04:16 AM

My girl was raped. I dont know wat to do to fix things now. Its been bout 2 mons now and things are just getting worst. She went to a party while she was in the city visiting her cousin. I feel bad cuz I wanna be there for her but at the same time I can't handle it. Like she tried to tell me what happened but I flipped out. I couldn't hear what they did to her..yeah it was two guys. I told her to talk to someone like a doctor but she won't. She hasn't told her parents or anything, just her cousin and I know. She seems to want to have sex with me all the time now and I just can't. She will be all over me and the whole time I'm picturing what those bastards did to her and I just can't get hard anymore and then she gets all pissed and asks why I can't and I dont wanna tell her why cuz it will upset her and I don't want her to think it's her fault. But she will get really mad if I can't preform. She will seriously scream at me and the last time she slapped me across the face and then started crying and locked herself in the bathroom till I left. I really don't know what to do with her anymore. I figured she wouldn't want to have sex after something like that but that's all she wants to do. I don't understand it.
   
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Re: My girl - November 7th 2009, 04:25 AM

Hey, I'm sorry that happened. It's not fun for anyone. But it's completely normal for you to be upset about it too. It's hard to see someone you care about bothered by it, or hell, not be bothered by it because you know they should be. And it's hard to hear about someone being taken advantage like that...

My advice would be that... I don't know what to say other than she NEEDS to tell someone. She needs to be checked out to make sure everythings okay. Unless she's on the pill that gives you less periods, she'd know by know if she was pregnant right? But she could still have picked something up like an STD... :/

As for the sex thing, there are basically two ways girls react to getting raped. One, is fear of men/people in general. Not wanting to be alone with someone or not wanted to get close, or especially not wanting to have sex.
But another reaction, which happens a lot more often I've found, is the exact opposite. They figure they have nothing to loose now. like, "well I've already lost my virginity" or "I've already had my dignity taken from me so why the hell not?" or like... "If I give it to them willingly then they wont rape me"

I really do think she needs to talk to someone about it. You can't be expected to completely fix this girl, you just can't. An issue this serious needs to be watched over by a professional. Make sure you tell her how much you care for her, and how much you just want her to be happy. And that ultimatly, it's up to her, but that she needs to keep in mind that you're worried about her and think a serious issue needs to be talked about seriously, and calmly.

She also seems to be getting angry and emotional a lot lately, which is understandable as well. Unless she's always been super emotional... In which case... Don't know what to tell you about that. :/



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Re: My girl - November 7th 2009, 04:31 AM

Hi,

It's so great that you want to be there for your girlfriend during this very tough time. It is obvious that you're doing your best to be understanding, and she is very lucky to have you in her life.

Try to realize that what she is going through is so complex and confusing; it's not something that is easy for one to grasp. It is common for victims of rape and sexual assault to, instead of closing up sexually, become more promiscuous. It's very hard to understand, I know. Just try to realize that her pushing for sexually activity could very well link back to the trauma she has endured. You're being extremely respectful and loving by not taking advantage of this behavior; I truly admire you as a person. Because of this, I think that it would be a great idea if you tried to talk to her about this. Explain that you're afraid to hurt her, and that you are concerned for her well-being. She may get upset; anger is a normal, healthy part of recovering from abuse. However, I am certain that it will do more good in the long run.

It's very true that it may be good for your girlfriend to open up to someone about the rape. Try to encourage her without being too pushy; this is an extremely difficult subject for a victim to discuss. Instead of criticizing or pressuring her, explain why you feel it would be a good idea. Praise her for her bravery, her strength in attempting to overcome this. She may be much more receptive to this than to pressure to open up.

In all of this, make sure you are taking care of yourself, as well. This sort of trauma can be very hard on the loved ones of the victim, and it's natural for you to have a lot of difficult feelings surrounding the situation. Realize that it's okay to talk about these feelings, and that you need to express them in a constructive and healthy manner. However, before talking to someone in your life about this, make sure that you will not be breaking confidentiality with your girlfriend. It's very important that you do not tell someone that she is not ready to tell.

Take care, and if you'd like to talk about this or anything else, I'm always around here somewhere. Just shoot me a private or visitor message, and I will respond ASAP.


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in my own way"

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My girl - November 7th 2009, 07:35 PM

I'm trying really hard to be good with her. Not to get mad at her, to understand this but she is a completely different person. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a stand still with her. No matter what I say or do it's wrong. She's always mad at me. Like it's my fault. She is taking her anger out on me and I don't know what to do to make this better for her and that's all I want to do right now. It's so fucking frustrating. She came over last night, said she couldn't sleep alone. She wanted to mess around but like I said I just can't right now. Seriously all I can think about is what could have happened to her. What they did to her. If it really hurt her. I mean its just so many thoughts and I start getting sick to my stomach becuase I wasn't there to help her. I know it's not my fault but it still makes me feel shitty about not being there to help her. Fuck its driving me insane. Well she got mad again because I told her I just wanted to go to sleep and she was like oh you think I'm dirty now that I have stds or something and I was like no ya know it's just hard for me because all I think about it what happened..and she was basically like get over it....I told her again she should talk to someone about it but she just flipped out on me and said she would find someone else to fuck her then and left..

I don't know what to fucking do anymore. This girl is not mmmy girl. My girl would never say that to me. Fucking say she is gonna go fuck someone else. I just want to flip out. I called her cousin up, her cousin said to just give her some space. So am I just sup to stand by well she falls apart and fucks other guys? I'll loose my mind. I'll prolly kill someone. I don't understand why she is doing this. Does she want to hurt me because she was hurt. I know she is the one who got hurt but she sure as hell doesn't seem to care..telling me to get over it. Two guys fucked my girlfriend and hurt her and I'm just sup to get over it and pretend it never happened. This is insane. One weekend and our lives are fucked.

She came over today and gave me back all my shit...after yr n a half she just gives back all my shit. All I said was are you serious when she dropped it off. She just nodded and left.

I just wanna say fuck it but I can't. I love this girl way to much to see her do this to herself. She was a virgin when I got with her so I don't see why she wants to go be with other guys after this. It's fucking nasty and seriously if I find out she fucks anyone I'm gonna freak out.
   
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Re: My girl - November 16th 2009, 08:31 AM

You never know in till you sit down and talk to her. In my opinion, something doesn't sound quite right that she would be having sex after being raped. Most people who are raped are emotionally hurt or develop a fear after. It could possible be, that she was not forced.

Calm down and clear your thoughts for a minute.
Ask her to sit down and talk with you.

If she is angry with you, she is angry with herself. Something isn't matching up..

Last edited by Candytwinkle; November 16th 2009 at 08:42 AM.
   
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Re: My girl - November 17th 2009, 12:24 AM

Nah she was def forced. I saw the marks all over her legs and arms. Someone def held her down and forced themselves. Her ma took her to the hospital after I told. And they confirmed she was raped. I don't know why she is being like she is. Confusing the fuck outta me. I don't know if she feels guilty, thinking she cheated or whatever. I don't know. She won't talk to me.
   
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Re: My girl - November 17th 2009, 12:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Candytwinkle View Post
You never know in till you sit down and talk to her. In my opinion, something doesn't sound quite right that she would be having sex after being raped. Most people who are raped are emotionally hurt or develop a fear after. It could possible be, that she was not forced.
I'm gonna have to disagree with you there. One friend of mine was raped by her dad and went to hell after it. Basically what you'd expect, scared of people especially men, didn't want sex, a complete wreck ext... Didn't end so great either.
Anothing 'friend' (i say friend lightly because she's rather... i simply don't like her no matter what she went through) of mine was raped and molested by her step-father and has since turned into the biggest slut I know. =/ it depends on the person and how they handle it. A rather common thought is "Well I've already lost my virginity, what am I holding out for?"

It sounds to me that since he saw the marks, she isn't lying. (though I won't say I've never heard someone lie about so many things I can understand where you're coming from... people have lied of rape, being pregnant, having a brain tumor, dying, the works to me.)



I think you're just gonna have to be patient with her, no matter how frusterating it may be. Try to understand all the emotions running through her head right now. She probably feels dirty, and yes, like she cheated, scared, angry, depressed... a mix of different emotions. She's NOT angry with you, if she is then it's an accident. Anger has a tendancy to manifest itself from anger at herself or anger at the world or at the rapist, onto the closest person; you. It really sucks to have someone angry with you when it's not your fault...
There's not much you can do if she isn't talking to you other than stay by her side. Don't bother her or try to force her to talk to you, that might just scare and upset her more. But reassure her that you're always there to talk to and that you're a safe person to talk to. Hopefully her mom and the doctors will get her some proffessional help like a therapist or psychiatrist or something, and things will get easier with time.



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Re: My girl - November 17th 2009, 12:59 AM

Im dropping out of school for her. She just acts out worst when Im around. And its making me lose control. I dont want to hurt her or anyone else because of this. The more I see her with other guys the more I wanna beat the shit out of both of them. I love her but I cant take this anymore.
   
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Re: My girl - November 17th 2009, 12:59 AM

WOW man, i dont mean to sound like a bitch or anything but that sounds really odd... rape emotionally scars girls its an all time fear and when it happens your hurt for a LONG time its really odd that she WANTS sex....i dnt mean to diss your girl or anything just im agreeing with you bout figuring she WOULDNT want it. And if dhes slapping you over not gettin hard then maybe you should explain you dnt aprove of being hit and you should sit her down and ask her y she wants sex so much but make it casual if you can bcuz she mite take it the wrong way just kinda beat around the bush
i hope things get better


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Re: My girl - November 17th 2009, 01:15 AM

From what I know she hasnt had sex with anyone sense the rape. Ive asked around in school no one has heard about her sleeping with anyone, just suddenly she is hanging out with guys and being touchy feely and flirty. She is drunk all the time, never drank before, actually bitched me out for my drinking habits. She acts like she is pissed at me, touches them when Im around to piss me off and I dont understand it. If she wants me to feel the pain she is I get it, I feel it. Sometimes I think I feel it more than her. I text her once and while. Saying I love her and Im here. I want to tell her how much she is hurting me but Im scared that will make her feel more guilty and she will be worst. Idk. Thats why Im getting away from her, its for the best. She is better off without me. She will get the help she needs from her mom.
   
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Re: My girl - November 17th 2009, 01:19 AM

Hey Mason. I just wanted to add a couple things to this thread.

First off, I don't think you should drop out of school. Maybe she does have a hard time being around you right now, but that does NOT mean that you have to give up what is best for you. Stay in school. It's the best thing for you now and when she starts to heal, if she thinks she was the reason you gave up school and your future, she's most likely going to feel very guilty about it.

The second thing is that everyone reacts differently to sexual abuse. Some people get very promiscuous, some are scared to even be touched, and some are able to carry on with normal sexual relationships. Try your best not to judge her on this. Right now she is probably coping in the only way she feels like she can. The way she is reacting to what happened is not that uncommon.

If you can't handle what the ways she's acting and you truly think you are going to freak out like you said, maybe it would be best for you to take a step back for right now. You have to take care of yourself or you will be of no help to anyone.

Last thing I want to add is to give her time. It's one of the few things that is going to help her right now. That and talking with a counselor/therapist. You are doing really well trying to be there for her, but a lot of times getting professional help is the best thing we can do for someone who's going through this.

Take care of yourself and PM me if you ever want to talk.
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Re: My girl - November 17th 2009, 07:11 AM

Woah! Okay to all the people saying that is not a copmob reaction to bring raped you are wrong, dead wrong! After my rape, as soon as I got back to Anthony in that's all I wanted, I guess I was trying in some way to get rid of the fact that anyone else was ever in me. But then after about a three weeks, which was the three month anniversary, I started flipping out everytime we had sex, crying and fighting, enough that he got freaked out, thought I was cheating, and came on here. He was talking about it on relationships, I was talking about it on rape, and someone connected the dots, thank you I can't remember your name! And of course everyone convinced me to tell, I ended up in therapy, but now have a very healthy trusting sex life with Anthony, although I still sometimes freak out.... Anyway my point is y'all are probably wrong!

And fife, her parents need to get her in therapy, whether she wants to go or not... After a while of sitting there not talking to the shrink, one day, she will, and it will move from there. Help her as much as you can, but DON'T hurt yourself in the process, olne old my biggest regrets is how much it hurt my now husband. Good luck guy! PM me if you want!


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Re: My girl - November 18th 2009, 07:59 PM

I know this must be really hard for you to deal with. I strongly urge you not to drop out of school though. If it's too much seeing her there every day, maybe you could transfer to another school?
Maybe the reason she's acting like this towards you is her way of trying to find out whether all guys are like the scum that raped her. She could be trying to hurt you and make you angry so that if you lash out at her, then she can "prove" that all men are monsters, but if you stay calm, then there's hope for her.
It's good that you told her mum. Don't give up hope, her um will get her help. Just take a step back and let her know that you won't turn your back on her.
   
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Re: My girl - November 18th 2009, 08:16 PM

I think everything you're doing is the right thing to do, giving her distance, getting her help, all that... EXCEPT, dropping out of school! You can't give up your furture over this. At the most, transfer school. Maybe get some classes changed so you can avoid her as much as possible if thats what you really want to do. Stay being there for her, but you really do need to look out for yourself as well. While you personally weren't raped, I completely understand why you're so upset by this... I would be too, anyone would be. You're seeing someone you care about in a lot of pain and seeing them act flirty when they shouldn't be... But I assure you it's not your fault, that's it's all reaction from the rape.
Again, be there for her. But if you think it's best to start getting some distance, then by all means do it. Just don't drop out of school man. That's too much.



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