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Memories - November 18th 2009, 06:16 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

For the longest time I have always had this feeling that I was molested but I could never remember so I just pushed the thoughts aside as me wanting to have a more substantial reason for my depression. Well, about 5 or 6 months ago I had a flash of me as a little girl scared and not clothed and a person looming above me. Another time I had a flash of someone taking pictures of me (no clothes on) and last night I had another memory. These visions or memories are so blurry that I don't know whether or not they are real or not. I talked a little bit about it at my treatment center but I feel so ashamed and dirty and I mean what if these thoughts aren't real. But, it seems like the more I actually acknowledge that something happened and that these memories could possibly be real the more memories/visions come flooding in.

The thing that makes me feel even dirtier is that the person who I think I see in these memories was my ex-best friend's dad. And, I mean if he did do those things to me why would I have kept going over to their house? What could have made me do that? I mean, was I that stupid.

Gah, I don't know, I mean I know something happened but how will I ever be able to know what is real and what isn't. And, as much as I really want to know I am scared of knowing as well.

I just don't know what to do. And, thinking of possibly having to tell my dad one day. That would break my heart and it would scare me because what if he did something really stupid? Idk....

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Re: Memories - November 19th 2009, 05:07 PM

Hey Jenna,

I’m really proud of you for writing this post, I know it wasn’t easy for you.
I think that generally speaking, people don’t come up with false memories unless they are directed in doing so (like, unless a bad therapist leads them to believe that something happened when it didn’t). But it sounds like with you, you’re having thoughts and memories on your own, and you’ve had them for a while. That doesn’t necessarily mean that exactly what you’re imagining DID happen, but you’re thinking these things for a reason.

It can be so frustrating to not know exactly what happened, and I can actually relate very much to this topic. Not knowing is the most frustrating thing for me, even more frustrating than knowing! I think you can benefit yourself by continuing to speak up about it. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re not purposely making something up. You’re just talking about what you’re dreaming and thinking, and there is absolutely no harm in that. Whatever did, or didn’t happen, none of it is your fault. If it did happen, it’s not your fault, and if it didn’t happen, it’s certainly not your fault. So you can use that knowledge to try and stop making yourself feel bad for speaking up.

Hang in there, Jenna.

"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

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Re: Memories - November 20th 2009, 05:13 PM

I keep having these memories and the more I have them the dirtier and the stupider I feel. The person that I think did this to me was my best friends father and I just don't understand why I kept going over to there house if he was/did all those things to me. Didn't I have any love for myself? Did I like what he was doing to me? Was I asking for it by going back to their house over and over again?

The memories keep getting more vivid and it is so hard to deal with. I want to cry and scream and let it all out; let all my hatred and anger go but for some reason I can't. It is like my mind and body just will not let me grieve. It's as if all the memories happened to someone else and not me; so why should I grieve?

I just want to cry. I want to scream. I guess I just want to be able to mourn but I can't.

I mean, I thought all these years that I was a virgin and I really don't think that is the case. I think he took that from me too. So, I am a used up dirty thing and I hate it.

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