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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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ryan. - November 21st 2009, 03:56 AM

when i was 14 i was in a really bad relationship. it was our first serious relationship. we were young, dumb & in love. he could be the sweetest boy, i really loved him. too this day i have feelings for him i've stuffed way deep down inside. memories i'll never forget. i know he loved me. but in the end that didn't matter. things got bad when he started doing drugs, i begged him not too, i had a bad feeling but he wouldn't listen. i was young, i didn't know anything about drugs and i was scared what it would do to him. he became violent, irritable, overly emotional, controling. he use to scream and scream at me. when i made him mad he would make me sit in the corner of the room on the fall and wait for him to calm down. he would play mind games, tell me i could call my mom to come get me but then hang the phone up when i would dial the number. he slammed me around. tried to rape me after we broke up, i had to beg him to stop. we were on and off all the time. one of us was always crying. we just couldn't call it quits. we wanted it to work, even know we both knew it wouldn't. i got him to talk to a doctor, they put him on pills for depression, they helped for alittle while, but he stopped taking them after awhile, said they didn't help him anymore. finally enough was enough. i had to end it before i got in any deeper than i already was. i knew it wasn't healthy. i was sick of the fighting and crying. i broke up with him. it was one the the hardest things i had to do. was stand there and tell him i couldn't be with him when all i wanted to do was love him and make him better. he was on coke at the time, so he picked up metal trash can and threw it at me. i knew then that i had made the right choice, and i walked away. i went thru it all alone, at 14, i was scared and alone. and what hurts the most is that my mom and brother knew what he was doing to me but didn't help me. they may not have known everything, but they heard him screaming at me and never did anything. he was my brothers friend and he would come over to the house and stay the night after we broke up. that's one of the times he tried to rape me. in my own house. did they really think he would stay away from me. they should have know, they had to have know. no one helped me and to this day it hurts. i'll never have closure. i'll always wonder what would have happened if we stayed together, what would have happened if he didn't do this to us, what if things were okay and we stayed together, what would my life have been like. and i'll never be able to ask them why they didn't help me. i'll never be able to look them in the eyes and ask them why the hell they didn't do anything. its been done and over with for years now, yet i'm still left with this horrible emptiness in my heart.


I make mistakes, that's what I do.
I speak without thinking,
Act without knowing,
I drink so much I can barely walk,
I'm a fantastic lover though,
& amazing friend.
God knows I mean well.
   
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Re: ryan. - November 21st 2009, 06:15 AM

This story has really touched my heart. I started my band to reach out to individuals such as yourself, and it's really stories like this that make what I do so meaningful. Really.

I've talked to people who have been in similar situations as you a lot, and believe me when I say you're not alone. I've been in terrible relationships as well where I've been cheated on and emotionally abused.

I can say to you with full confidence that you made the right decision. No one should ever have to suffer the tragedies that you did, but they still happen, and those who commit the crimes more often than not go unpunished.

However, you made the decision to break it off and go seperate paths. The fact that you did it without your family only shows how strong of a person you are; that you have character, guts, and are a clever person. Of the two of you, you are FAR more likely to go off into the world and do well.

He will end up alone. You will end up successful, with a man who treats you the way a beautiful soul like yours deserves to be treated. I wish you all the joys and fortunes the world has to offer.

If you want to talk about this, please feel free to PM me. I'd be more than happy to talk to you about this.
   
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Re: ryan. - November 21st 2009, 03:55 PM

i just wish the pain and memories would go away. but they won't and im scared it never will. im completely broken because of this and i'm scared i'll never be fixed, there will always be a crack or two somewhere. i'm with an amazing man. amazzing. and i almost lost him because of this. i was too scared he would hurt me like ryan did, and all the other ones, (i was raped when i was dating ryan, i never told, and was raped by another boyfriend and choose to stay with him because the damage was already done, ugh stupid i know but i was a mess than) what if he hurts me. i can't take that risk, it would be the death of me. so i started to push him away, so if he hurt me it wouldn't hurt sooo bad then? i came clean and told him everything this morning, i have to go to work so we can't really talk but hopefully he will try to work this out with me. how do i get better. how to i get over this.


I make mistakes, that's what I do.
I speak without thinking,
Act without knowing,
I drink so much I can barely walk,
I'm a fantastic lover though,
& amazing friend.
God knows I mean well.
   
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Re: ryan. - November 21st 2009, 09:32 PM

Trusting is something you're going to have to learn again. I understand that after someone has done something terrible to you, it's hard to trust again, but please believe me when I say that not all guys are like "Ryan".

You say your guy is a good guy. Trust him. Trust that he will do the right thing. You know the signs from when "Ryan" started to change for the worse, so keep an eye out for them in your current man. Eventually, you will learn to trust him fully and completely. If he is a good guy, he'll understand and work with you.

Take slow steps. Take the time to talk to him, hopefully he'll understand. Just try not to keep him at arm's length.

There are good boys out there, too.
   
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Re: ryan. - November 21st 2009, 11:45 PM

i know. ugh its just so hard. i cant help but think what if he does hurt me. lately i have this huge fear he is going to cheat on me, he will find someone else because i'm so broken. someone he doesn't have to struggle with every day, and living with me is a struggle because i'm so emotional lately. i just don't understand after all this time why these feelings are comming back. i think its because i've been with my boyfriend for four years now, and it's like anyyyy mintue now he is going to hurt me because that's what always happens. sooner or later. i love him so much but it's so hard for me to show him. he hasn't said anything to me since i told him i'm having these feelings about my past. he hates when i bring it up and i don't know if he is mad at me or thinks i'm comparing him to them, it's not like that, i don't thinkkkk he would ever hurt me, but i don't know for suuure. it's like he could. bleh. i prolly don't make any sense anymore.


I make mistakes, that's what I do.
I speak without thinking,
Act without knowing,
I drink so much I can barely walk,
I'm a fantastic lover though,
& amazing friend.
God knows I mean well.
   
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Re: ryan. - November 22nd 2009, 04:05 AM

You're insecure, which is totally natural. Given your situation, it's natural to worry, "What's going to happen?" "Will he still love me, knowing what I am?" "What if he can't deal with me?"

Finding answers to your questions is going to be hard, and you're just going to have to go and experience them for yourself. Life doesn't wait for you to make decisions, you have to tackle it head on.

It's important for you to love yourself. Find self-worth, and understand that you, as a person are special and mean something to someone. Telling someone is the first step, and just know that, though I haven't met you, I love you unconditionally as a human-being. You shouldn't judge a person based upon things they can't control, and you certainly can't control the actions that affect you, but you can control how you deal with them.

What I do when I feel down or worthless about myself is write a song. I just get the emotions out on paper, and I examine every lyric, phrase, and word. Just write about how you feel, don't stop to think, just keep going. If song-writing isn't your thing, write a letter to the person describing how you feel. Don't send it, but keep it. Read it out loud. Scream it. Holding your emotions in does nothing for you.

Talk to your boyfriend. Talk to your mom. Talk to your highschool guidance counselor. You've already taken a phenomenal first step by writing out about your abuse here. You've put yourself in touch with people who are ready to love you and care about you. Know that you are a beautiful person and the world is lucky to have been blessed with your being.
   
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Re: ryan. - November 22nd 2009, 03:27 PM

thank you. its nice to be able to talk to someone who understands. i'll try writing, i don't want to keep a diary because i'm scared my boyfriend would find it and he wouldn't understand ya know. so this site is kinda like my diary, lets me get my thoughts out. i use to write poems, my boyfriend made me throw them all away because they were about my abuse, but i'm thinking about starting again. he just hates knowing someone hurt me so much so he hates when i mention it or anything. maybe someday he will understand. i feel so much better talking about it with you, thank you again. i don't feel so alone in the matter now. i just hope one day i'll get closure. i have so much to say to ryan but never will, maybe writing them down on paper will get some of these negative emotions out.


I make mistakes, that's what I do.
I speak without thinking,
Act without knowing,
I drink so much I can barely walk,
I'm a fantastic lover though,
& amazing friend.
God knows I mean well.
   
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yoloyoloyolo Offline
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Re: ryan. - November 25th 2009, 04:10 AM

Hey, no problem! I know it's taken me a bit to reply to this (sorry, that was a little scatterbrain on my part!) but I think you REALLY need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious discussion about this. Let him know that by telling you to throw the poems out and getting upset about your writing is only make the problem WORSE. Help understand that ignoring the problem is only making it come back worse and worse every time. Remain calm through the discussion, because getting upset won't help the matter, and just remember, you ALWAYS have us here at teenhelp if you ever need a virtual shoulder to cry on, or just an eye to read about what's going on with you.

Well, I wish I could give you a really hug, cause kinda sound like you need one (just a little ) So I hope a virtual one will do for now. *hugs*
   
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