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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Jordyn Offline
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Unhappy I need help. - December 31st 2009, 01:28 PM

So I'm thinking I was sexually abused as a child, but I can't remember. I can't remember anything from my childhood. And the sad part is, I'm just realizing this and I'm fifteen.

I do remember bits and pieces...but I'm looking down on myself, I don't remember it from my own view. It's really weird.

My mom used to do drugs a lot and hung around the type of people that would do this to me. I'm thinking it was a mexican middle aged man, because I get very uncomfortable around mexican middle aged people, and I get very paranoid for no reason.

I don't know if I'm just overreacting or being paranoid or what. I looked up what symptoms someone who had been sexually abused as a child would act like. I have a lot of them. I started having a panic attack the other night because I was so freaked by the thought of me being sexually abused.

I'm scared that one day I'll start remembering what happened, because I heard that the way some sexually abused children deal with it just block out the memory because it's too painful. But what if it suddenly hits me again someday?

I'm really scared and I need help. I've been really down this past week because I have no clue how to figure out if I've been sexually abused, and if so, how to process the memory in a healthy way, without having to lose myself along the way.

Someone help please. ):
   
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Re: I need help. - December 31st 2009, 03:19 PM

Hey Jordyn,

This is such a hard situation. A lot of people can relate to this; knowing something isn't right, but not remembering it exactly. You're not alone, and that's the most important thing I want you to know, okay?

What specifically makes you think you were sexually abused? Aside from the signs and symptoms--do you have any memories? Even pieces of memories, snipits of things that happened. I think the best thing you can do, to help yourself remember (at least remember what your brain is capable of remembering) is put together all of those pieces of information. Write down (or blog, post, etc.) anything you remember--even if it's just one tiny little memory. All of the memories and thoughts and feelings can add up and help piece the puzzle together. Doing this can also help you feel like you're in control of the situation because you're doing the detective work on your own life.

However, child sexual abuse isn't something you can deal with alone, and for that reason, I want you to think about talking to someone. That's not because you're weak or anything, but it's because this is a super awful, scary, intense thing, and like you said yourself, you don't want to lose yourself along the way. Do you have a parent, teacher, relative, guidance counselor, friend's mom, etc. that you trust and could talk to? They can help you figure this out, figure out what happened, and keep you safe.

Hang in there, Jordyn, I'm here for you and you can do this.
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Re: I need help. - December 31st 2009, 03:43 PM

Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me. I have no memories, whatsoever. Of any sexual abuse. I can remember sleeping in my grandpa's bed a lot, but no. nononono. I would never accuse him, and please don't think it was him just because of that. I know most sexual abusers are the ones we love and trust the most, but no. It wasn't him. I can remember being very scared of the dark and always having terrible nightmares. I was and am still very scared of the bathroom. I could remember when I was in the third grade I had to leave the bathroom door open when I took a shower or bath and have my grandma sit in the other room. And I remember having a dream when I was like...seven, of a toilet flushing and I was being sucked into it. hah. I don't know how that could be relevant to this, but maybe something happened in the bathroom?

I remember my cousin used to kiss me. He said it was a "tradition". Cause evey year we go to Palm Springs and he used to ask me if I wanted to kiss him and I'd say sure (I wasn't really sure how it was wrong, I don't think it's wrong even today, because I always used to kiss my cousins like that) and he'd take me into the bathroom, shut the door, and give me a peck on my lips. And then we'd walk out and not speak of it ever again. It was honestly only a peck and we were both really young...but I doubt I was very tormented by it. I thought he was cute anyway. Still do.

And plus, if I can remember that, then it couldn't be that, right? And if it was...then wow, I'm freaking out over that?

I also have...erm...fantasies of this certain thing which I'd rather not say. But I read that usually, that's what happened to you if you fantasize about it or it turns you on. And I think that's what happened to me.

I don't know. I'm a very paranoid person in general. What if nothing happened to me and I'm just saying that this happened to scare myself?
   
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Re: I need help. - January 2nd 2010, 02:21 AM

Hey,

You are very brave for talking about this. It's so hard--I can relate to having all of these little symptoms and signs but not knowing how to piece them all together. For some people, all of a sudden it will click, and for others, it might not. Which I know is so frustrating.

I think your best bet is to talk to someone. There are great therapists out there who work with people each day helping them figure out what happened to them. And, even if something DIDN'T happen to you, that's okay, too. In fact, it would just be a good thing, right? The point is, no matter what did or did not happen, you are having a hard time now. So regardless of WHY you are struggling (though of course that's important too) the point is, you are struggling and need some support. You know?

Hang in there, Jordyn...
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Re: I need help. - January 2nd 2010, 12:32 PM

I know where you are coming from and i can understand what you are going though but i think and what has helped me is talking about what happen and i know that it can be hard but i think that is what you should do.

PM me if you ever need to talk
   
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