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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Mayhem Offline
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I'm a Horrible Person - January 6th 2010, 01:21 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm sorry if this is long, and no one needs to reply, but I need to vent about this before I explode.

Basically, I have been sexually abused most of my life. I mean, when I was younger, my adopted cousin (who is 22 now) came into the family and soon after began touching me. My grade 5 teacher did the same, but to a lesser degree. These things were always in the back of my mind until I was about 12 and my cousin and I had sex. He hadn't touched me sexually in years, but the feeling and look in his eyes were always there. And everything surfaced from there. Even though, by some degree, we could say some of the occasions in which we had sex were considered rape, or at least forced. There were days when, in all honesty, I felt like I loved him. At some point or another, I felt alone in the world (because I was also moving and working through my parents separation) and I needed physical contact. Maybe not to the extent of sex, but I felt like I could relate to him because he too was coping with a separation. The 'sex' went on for months. Sometimes it would be under blankets in the room full of family. Sometimes it would be at night when he'd sneak in my room. Regardless, it scared me. But I feel horrible for also wanting it sometimes too.

Anyway, eventually, I told him it needed to stop. And I didn't like it and bla bla bla. And he seemed confused to some degree. Because there were times in which it wasn't about me struggling. And maybe those times I validated everything he was doing as okay, which allowed him to continue without thinking anything was morally wrong. However, it did end and we're close. We spoke about it and I ended up discussing it with my mom because of the side effects.

When I was 15, a depression spell came on. Through this I was trying to cope with everything that had happened and I began feeling alone and unloved. Again, my cousin was the only person I felt like I had. We spoke a lot and became extremely close, we lived in the same house for a long time too. He had a girl friend, and I'll admit, I was jealous because he seemed to forget about me entirely. Which was hard because I had to resort to coping with feeling alone again. But I managed.

One night though, things with us changed and we started fooling around again. It was like...I knew what I was doing but I didn't care. I was tired of feeling alone and I felt like the only way he would talk with me is if we became closer. So, we had sex again. It wasn't forced, and I was a little bit of an instigator.

I guess, I feel horrible for encouraging him to cheat on his girlfriend. I feel selfish for allowing it to happen and sick for not being a victim this time, but an accomplice. This wonderful girl is in love with him and here I am cheating with her boyfriend. Who previously forced me to have sex, but yet, I'm willing enough to initiate it years later?
   
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Emily. Offline
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Re: I'm a Horrible Person - January 6th 2010, 04:58 AM

Hey there hun. First off, I want to tell that what happened when you were younger was not your fault. If I did the math right, he would be five years older than you and was definitely in a position where he knew more and could take advantage of you. And your teacher especially. They both knew better, but chose to hurt you anyways. It was not your fault.

As for those days when you felt like it wasn't abuse, you are not alone in feeling that way. Your cousin had already taught you that to be close with him, you had to allow the abuse, and he knew that. He was in a position where he could take advantage of that. It's okay to have wanted to be close to him, to have loved him and wanted to spend time with him. I felt the same way about my abuser sometimes. Even though some of the things they have done hurt you, we still can't help but love them sometimes, especially when they are family.

I think you are being too hard on yourself about the sex recently too. You were trained to feel like the only way you could connect with him was through sex, and when you feel alone, your mind goes back to what it was taught. It is something that we have to kind of go back and retrain our brains on. It might really help you to talk with a therapist. They can really help you to work through things and teach you ways to change how you associate sex with being loved and not alone. Because love is definitely not just about sex.

And as for feeling guilty because of his girlfriend, don't. He was the one who cheated, not you. You have been put through a really hard and confusing situation growing up and I'm sure it's going to take some time to kind of come to terms with it and start working on changing things a bit.

Be good to yourself and don't give up.

I hope you are doing okay right now and please feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.
<3 Emily


"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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